As the world today tries to come to grips with the sudden passing of Michael Jackson, I've been remembering the time I was living in Santa Ynez, a couple of miles from Neverland Ranch, at the time Jackson was charged with sexual abuse. When I first began to watch the trial, I was simply curious about this singer whose music I liked and wondered if he, in fact, was a sexual predator. However, as an attorney, I was so horrified by the misconduct of the prosecutor that it was difficult to address the facts of the case.
As the trial progressed, it became clear to me that District Attorney Thomas Sneddon was prosecuting Jackson quite incorrectly for reasons of personal gain. My heart went out to Michael; it was obvious that he was being persecuted, not prosecuted. The trial was long and terribly exhausting (even for a strong person, which he was not). Michael grew weaker and weaker each day. I was jubilant when he was found not guilty, not because I believed he was innocent, but because I believed the trial was a travesty of justice. I was also glad the trial was over because I feared Michael might not physically recover.
When the trial ended, I continued to follow his career with great interest. In researching his history, I realized that the vicious physical and emotional abuse that had been his lot as a child, and the stardom thrust upon him at such a young age, had robbed him of a childhood that he desperately tried to recapture as an adult. As he sadly discovered, we can't ever turn that clock back.
The coping mechanisms he used to deal with his inner pain-with the conflict between the child who hadn't had a chance and the adult who couldn't face his reality-never worked. His self-admitted addiction to prescription drugs, which possibly started with getting burned in a fire in the late ‘80s, was certainly aggravated by the trial and by the multiple lawsuits with which he had to contend. An autopsy will undoubtedly show the drug problem to have been a contributing factor in his cardiac arrest.
There was also the lack of vitality and other problems that stem from the likely probability Jackson was an anorectic. How that bird-like physique could have pounded out 10-hour rehearsals, to be followed by a year on the road putting on the huge extravaganzas his fans relished, is hard to imagine. He certainly suffered from social isolation and withdrawal, both closely related to anorexia and depression. Who wouldn't be depressed and grieving over the loss of status as the King of Pop and being $300 million in debt? His history of multiple cosmetic surgeries also indicates he suffered from dysmorphobia, the obsessive preoccupation with body parts (the nose, for example) that are felt to be ugly or somehow abnormal. No matter how many times he looked in mirror, he never looked all right to himself.
Jackson may have known, deep down, that he couldn't really handle the rigors of the upcoming tour. He always wanted his performances to be perfect. Add in the tension of his financial situation, the damage to his reputation from the sexual abuse charges, and the extended loss of the love of the people (he said he wanted to live on stage, basking in the applause of standing ovations, and he hadn't performed in many many years), and I believe his heart was as damaged by the stress of his emotions as by the drugs.
I always wished Michael could have found some real help to banish his childhood demons and build a stronger adult self. Once again, adult dysfunction coming from childhood abuse has robbed us too soon of all that Michael Jackson was and could have been. I believe his impact on us will be even larger after his death than it was in his glittering, one-gloved life.
