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Family Dynamics
The 10 Secret Steps to a Happier Family This Holiday Season
The holiday season and dysfunctional family dynamics go together!
Posted December 1, 2014
The holiday season and dysfunctional family dynamics go together like turkey and cranberry sauce or a stocking full of presents and an empty wallet.
You get in a fight with your brother about how to best carve a ham or with your sister about what temperature green bean casserole should be cooked at, your parents are breathing down your neck about your "lifestyle" choices, and it's taking all of your energy not to walk out. While the movies and TV shows we watch this time of year imply that one cannot get through the holidays without infighting between family members, this simply is not true.
Instead of letting old grudges and anger covered in layers of hurt and bitterness ruin what could be a lovely Christmas or Hanukkah, make the decision that this year you're going to do things differently.
Eighty percent of our emotional upset surrounds our childhood wounds. If you keep getting in the same fights again and again with your family, it's possible that what you're really upset about isn't happening now; it's about what happened then.
Ask yourself a few questions: What are you feeling? When have you felt this way before? Now, consider the meaning you have given to the earlier events. Perhaps your arguments with your siblings about carving ham or cooking green beans aren't about ham or green beans at all, but about feeling condescended to, or not listened to, or ignored.
Now, when you notice yourself getting upset during a disagreement about preparing dinner, take a moment to pause and reflect on your emotional response. Identify the feelings and experience them while, at the same time, stay centered and attempt to make a better choice about how to address the conflict.
Some long-simmering issues with your family will be harder to deal with than the small injustice you feel about food preparation. For these larger injustices – say, feeling angry that you're paying more toward caring for your aging parents than your siblings are, or feeling rage every time you're reminded that you're the only one still single – it'll take a multi-step approach.
Ten steps, specifically.
1. Chill out
You need to address the injustice, but first you have to give yourself some time to calm down. Remember the cliché "cooler heads prevail"? There's a reason it's not, "hot tempers win decades-long arguments."
2. Assess the situation
When you feel ready to talk, assess whether or not the other person is in the proper mindset to give the matter serious attention. Ask them, "I need to talk to you about __. Is this a good time?"
3. Preserve the relationship
Approach the issue with the intent of preserving the relationship. You still want to talk to your family after this conversation, right? Try to describe the problem in a way that won't drive an even bigger wedge between you.
4. Don't punish
Avoid name-calling and insults. Be aware that, because you're angry, your personal energy might come across as punishing. Try to stay in the moment and remember your love for this person.
5. Stick to the subject
Explain how you feel about the incident and remember to use "I" statements.
6. Stay positive
Include positive details when discussing the issue. Mention things the other person did right, not just what they did that upset you.
7. Read body language
The other person's body language will provide you with feedback. If the person is becoming angry or defensive, adjust your approach.
8. Tell them what you want
Paint a positive picture of what change you want made and let him or her know why it is important to you. Meanwhile, keep in mind that you can't make them change, but you can protect yourself from hurtful behavior by creating healthy boundaries and seeing if the other person is willing to respect your limits.
9. Provide feedback
Acknowledge improvement as soon as you see it. Use specific recognition of the change instead of general thanks. If, on the other hand, you see no change, ask the person to further consider your request.
10. Follow through
Thank the other person for fulfilling your request. If your original solution doesn't work, try again, but this time approach the conflict at a new angle.
Instead of thinking of this holiday season as yet another year of the same arguments, the same tears, and the same doors slammed, make this year the year everything changes. Just because you've been hurt by something for a long time doesn't mean you need to be hurt by it forever. You love your family and your family loves you, so do what you can to strengthen your relationship with them while you're all under one roof.
For more great practical advice from Dr. Andrea Brandt, please visit her blog: www.abrandtherapy.com.
