Goodbye, au revoir, peace out—we all say farewell in our own way. We've been taught the proper etiquette for ending a conversation or exchange since we learned to speak. Yet somehow, though we often know what goodbye means, we struggle with saying it truly and genuinely.
What do I mean by this? Well, take for example the dozens of goodbyes I said a little while back as I prepared to leave for my clinical internship. I had goodbye breakfasts, lunches, coffees, and dinners. But in reality, I rarely actually said goodbye. Typically, it was, "well, I'll see you when I come back for a visit," or "let's catch up at graduation." Can you imagine the shock of my goodbye coffee companion if I said, "well, I probably won't see you ever again, so uh, have a nice life and best of luck to you in the future?"
No, in this day of
Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace, we never have to say goodbye. We can hang onto threads of imagined connectivity to ease our
conscience and assure ourselves that yes, we may certainly meet again. Though in reality, we fully realize the odds are more often than not against such serendipitous rendezvous. Anyone who has recently broken up with someone may be all too familiar with the sheer torture invoked by Facebook "Newsfeeds." Do they really need to read the announcements of every "check-in" and relationship status change of their ex? Chances are no, but they allow for a semblance of continued involvement in their ex's life.
Statistically, Dunbar's number is theorized to account for the maximum number of social relationships an individual is cognitively capable of maintaining. While there is not a precise number, the range is estimated to be between 100 and 230, with the typical value used being 150. This is the number of people one can be in regular contact with and know on a personal level. It may include individuals such as colleagues and old high school friends.
The work of Bernard-Kilworth suggests a slightly higher number (mean= 290; median=231) based off of field studies conducted in the United States. It doesn't bare much purpose to say then that those 2,000 Facebook friends probably aren't all really your friends. In fact, if one were to take such research to heart, then a major friend purge would be in order after any final goodbyes. Granted, this would also invoke the many controversial aspects of "defriending" and all its intricate implications.
But imagine if we simply said, "yes, this is goodbye forever." In training as a therapist, I learned for the first time the bittersweet yet also beautiful elements associated with saying goodbye. The technical term used in the mental health literature is "termination sessions." And no, this does not involve a surprise guest appearance by California's former governor. It is however, the rare opportunity to say, "thank you for allowing me to join in the journey of your life for a brief moment in time."
Perhaps we don't favor goodbyes due to existential reasons. To think I will never again see my third grade teacher is somewhat morbid. A whole host of social psychological studies on the mortality salience hypothesis and terror management theory show that when faced with the gravity of our own mortality, we behave in all sorts of interesting ways. We may be apt to act honorably, and more peacefully toward those who we may have formerly disliked. Because if you think about it, if we're all going down, we might as well go down together or at least leave the earth having forgiven and forgotten. Only then might we embody the meaning behind, "rest in peace."
I wonder then, as a generation who moves with lightning speed and is often unaware as life is passing us by, what if we just stop? What if we cut the superficial threads, said the meaningful goodbyes, thank yous, and attended to the relationships that exist in the here and now? Such an attitude is at the crux of the mindfulness psychology movement.
Can we take that giant leap? May we do a Spring cleaning of sorts? In the words of my favorite David Gray song, should we just learn to "say hello, wave goodbye" during the many life transitions that we make? Maybe life will become a little richer, more meaningful, or at the very least more interesting. Some treasures are certainly for the keeping over a lifetime, but the greedy also rarely prosper.
