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Dr. D. came to talk with me about his" depression". The 56 year old forensic psychiatrist works on high-profile criminal cases, and lately, he finds sympathy for victims increasingly intruding in his work, making it hard him to remain objective and analytical. At the same time, he finds himself crying spontaneously, along with having intense feelings of vulnerability in his daily life. He upped his antidepressants and has come to talk to me about his" depression", convinced there is something wrong with him.
Men tend to" come" to their heart late in Life: Yet, as Dr. D reveals, they are frequently troubled when a new found vulnerability and sensitivity arise. Few models prepare Men for the reemergence of a strong emotional life, long since left behind in their childhood and the taking on a Masculine identity, or for the value of embracing these resurging emotions, rather than overcome them. I know him well, having worked with him and his family for many years. I always noticed an underlying sensitivity masked by an intellectual demeanor. He recalls himself as vulnerable , emotionally overwhelmed and scared, as a child. He felt his father pushed him to be "tough" and not be a "baby". He bonded with his mother and, being very bright, took flight in his intellectual pursuits.
I asked him to consider how his vulnerability may be serving him, now. This surprised him, as he saw himself as weak or in decline. I pointed out how he has come full circle, now, adopting his Father's role within himself, denying the experience of his own feelings. When I asked what happened to that vulnerable part of his being, he surmised that after his parent's divorce, he "cut-off" from this emotional self, and relied on his other intellectual resources. I suggest the possibility that his overwhelming emotion is not him " going crazy", but going "sane" ; not a breakdown, but a recovery. Growing up male frequently turns men against their feelings, leaving them partially "frozen". Akin to victims of trauma, they may not be fully,emotionally/ psychologically "born".
Perhaps midlife " crises" in men is something of another chance to go through life better connected to their heart. Yet Men lack the basic roadmap for understanding changes they may go through. Many influences lead man to live defended from feelings. Yet, this half-life perhaps is meant to fail, if men are to succesfully integrate their life story; but it may feel like an undoing when they get there. Men acting out at Midlife may be desperately running from this arising vulnerability, leading to modern myths about the foolishness of middle- aged men.
