Relationships

Moving Beyond Insecurity and Finding Relationship Happiness

Bypass the obstacles that make relationships difficult.

Posted September 30, 2014

Who are you in your adult romantic relationships? Are you a steady presence? A confident and consistent partner who finds it easy to trust and be trusted? Or do you regularly question your self-worth when it comes to love? Do you struggle with a deep-seated insecurity that twists neutral events into signs of your partner’s withdrawal, distance, or desire to leave? Do you ruminate over your relationship, wanting to be closer but questioning your partner’s commitment?

If you struggle with chronic relationship anxiety, you’re not alone. So what can you do about it? This question is at the heart of Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps’s new book, Insecure in Love.

We know that attachment anxiety manifests in romantic relationships in a variety of ways. People with more attachment anxiety might be called “needy” in their relationships; they have trouble balancing independence with closeness. Instead of being content and trusting, individuals high in relational anxiety are constantly striving for connection and attention (e.g., excessive texting) and might engage in strategic behaviors (e.g., to make a partner jealous) to elicit proof of their partner’s love. Such habits are grounded in intense longing for closeness at the expense of the self, and they come with considerable costs to one’s own well-being.

Entrenched relational habits that are grounded in attachment anxiety need not be life-long styles of romantic interaction. In her book, Insecure in Love, Dr. Becker-Phelps explains how foundational differences in attachment play out in romantic relationships. For those interested in self-examination, her book Insecure in Love provides a guide towards growing more secure in romantic relationships.

Secure love, she offers, can be “earned” through openness and deliberate effort.

There are no easy fixes here, but that’s because such suggestions would be misleading. Attachment anxiety represents a deeply-rooted set of cognitive, emotional, and behavioral approaches to close relationships and making adjustments to improve relational security is a process. Dr. Becker-Phelps’s book provides the willing introspector with research-based information on specific struggles (e.g., self-perception, self-awareness), followed by exercises that let the reader engage in self-examination and then try to strengthen their own relational security.

A how-to guide for relational self-improvement, Insecure in Love might be designed for anxiously-attached individuals, but it offers anyone in a relationship the chance to reflect and consider how to be their best self in their romantic partnership. It’s an easy, accessible introduction to attachment styles, what they predict, and how an individual might work to shift insecure habits towards more secure patterns. A compassionate author and an experienced clinician, Dr. Becker-Phelps offers motivation and empathy as she encourages positive change. As such, Insecure in Love has real potential to improve the relationship lives of its readers.

Photo credit: Oleh Slobodeniuk

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