Making Relationships Work

When people think about what makes life meaningful, they almost inevitably think of times shared with other people. In fact, we could almost argue that other people help give the most mundane events significance and meaning. Eating in public is transformed into a romantic dinner when spent with a caring partner. Traversing through the woods becomes a family nature walk when spent with loved ones. We tend to like spending memorable events with those we care about.

However, relationships aren't always easy. Relationships take work. Offenses inevitably occur, and feels are hurt. Sometimes, the ones we love the most are the ones who are capable of causing us the most emotional pain. How do we overcome these transgressions and make our relationships work? Research suggests that forgiveness might be a powerful response.

First, forgiveness is distinct from reconciliation. Forgiveness is when we replace the negative emotions we have toward an offender with positive, other-oriented emotions (Worthington, 2005). Forgiveness is an intrapersonal event--it happens within our own minds and bodies. We have the power to forgive. On the other hand, reconciliation is when we repair the relationship with our offender. Whereas research has suggested that forgiveness has many benefits (Fehr, Gelfand, & Nag, 2010), reconciliation might not always be advisable. For example, in situations of violence or abuse, reconciliation might not be a safe option. Remember that safety is important, and people need to make sure that they are safe in their relationships. Forgiveness though, even apart from reconciliation, helps improve our own well-being.

Second, forgiveness can release us from the negative emotions we experience and improve our relationships. Because relationships are a source of meaning, being in a relationship with a partner that offends us regularly can reduce how meaningful we perceive life to be. So, when we forgive, research has found, we're able to recapture some of that meaning; in fact, a six-month longitudinal research study found that consistently forgiving partners were found to report more meaning six months later (Van Tongeren et al., in press). So, forgiveness can actually make our lives more meaningful.

Finally, it is easier to forgive a humble partner than an arrogant one (Davis et al., 2013). Humble partners have the other partner's well-being in mind, so they are more likely to be forgiven. This suggests that working on cultivating humility might also help improve your relationship because it helps facilitate forgiveness.

Relationships are valuable and help give life meaning. When offenses occur, one response worth considering is forgiveness. Moreover, cultivating humility is another route to promoting harmony with one's romantic partner. In a world that seemingly promotes self-centeredness, recent research suggests that developing some of these virtues might help improve your relationships (and your own well-being).

What ways might you practice forgiveness or humility in your relationships?

References:

Davis, D. E., Worthington, E. L., Jr., Hook, J. N., Emmons, R. A., Hill, P. C., Bollinger, R. A., & Van Tongeren, D. R. (2013). Humility and the development and repair of social bonds: Two longitudinal studies. Self and Identity, 12, 58-77.

Fehr, R., Gelfand, M. J., & Nag, M. (2010). The road to forgiveness: A meta-analytic synthesis of its situational and dispositional correlates. Psychological Bulletin, 136, 894-914.

Worthington, E. L., Jr. (Ed.) (2005). Handbook of forgiveness. New York: Brunner-Routledge.