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What does it mean to "find yourself," and is it possible to do it when you're in a relationship? (If only it were as easy as doing a Google search!) And is there a danger of "losing yourself" once you're in a relationship? Do you avoid relationships for these reasons? Perhaps the answer is to think about self in a different way. Read More
"But whether or not you’re in
"But whether or not you’re in a relationship, or not even seeking one, it’s important to keep in mind that being yourself is not a matter of “finding” your self but creating your self, which is at the same time frightening and awe-inspiring."
Amen.
I have a hard time agreeing
I have a hard time agreeing with this but then maybe its just me. I have spent the last 15 years fixing the emotional damage from my family and growing up. I just do not think I could have found my voice and be in a position to have a healthy relationship if I were in a committed relationship, especially if the person I was with had emotional damage as well which is typically who emotionally damaged people are attracted to. If I was fortunate enough to be with an emotionally healthy person, he would be in an unfortunate position to receive all the dysfunction ingrained in me by my family and I am sure I would have blamed him for holding me back from some way.
I see what you're saying...
...and I'm not saying that a relationship is always conducive to self-creation, just that it can be in some cases. If being alone while you sorted things out worked for you, then fantastic! I just don't want people to avoid relationships while they're going through tough times because they don't think it can ever work--it depends on the persons involved and their particular situations.
And maybe it's idealistic of me, but I like to think that sometimes two emotionally damaged people in a relationship can help each other (though not exclusively, of course). Each may know what the other is going through better than an emotionally healthy person would, and they may be able to better meet each other's needs. (Again, not always, and not with everybody, but I don't think we should rule it out.)
Maybe Its Just Me
I appreciate the name of your section as it addresses our unique situations and unique way each of us approach our issues. My attachment style is independent which is a huge contributing factor for my choice. I have also wanted the freedom to move around which I did move abroad about 4 years ago. Although, living abroad it has really hit home how important it is to have someone special in your life. While its easy to meet people and there are lots of activities, its hard to get really close to people since most of us expats are frequently transient.
However, I still do have a belief that it is hard to find yourself in a relationship since often times people want you the way you are and feel threatened if you grow. If you do find someone who is supportive that is a very special person.
Very good point!
We do fall in a love with a person the way he or she is, but as people grow, naturally they change. We should support that, but what if the change is too much and what we loved about a person is gone? (I may write on this--thanks for the idea!)
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your encouraging message! After a recent divorce this has been on my mind a lot. I get butterflies dating, especially when it's with someone previously hurt in love who puts up a front to protect his feelings. Then It's tempting to do the same but after reading this I know I won't.
Terrific...
...and good luck!
I always look forward to your
I always look forward to your introspections, Mark. To share my experience - I can't say I ever felt like I didn't know who I was - which is why I wonder at the idea of "creating" who I am. Personally, the sense of self was strong even when I was very young and used to contemplate whether others saw the world as I did (they usually didn't seem to). Things that puzzled or inspired me weren't remarkable to most others. I knew what I enjoyed and that I wanted to have a purpose - so I usually put my all into things - but this was less self-creation than self-application. The one thing I've neglected to do was to throw myself into a relationship as I just haven't had the room to let someone in - I've gotten so used to going my own way in my own way that I have a hard time letting someone in. Part of it is that I haven't met someone that has inspired that desire to make room and adjust my life to share. Maybe I will, maybe I won't - but it is important to feel content and fulfilled either way.
Thanks, Whimsy...
...it sounds like you're going about it the right way, especially where relationships are concerned. You may not have met the right person yet--the one that gives you that desire to make room--but if you do, I hope you give it a chance!
Great article. I agree that
Great article. I agree that you become the person you create either consciously or subconsciosly. In life you have the ability to chose. You always have a choice, it's just the fact you may not realize it or not. Looking forward to more of your posts.
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