What Dating Advice Can We Get from Wei Wu Wei?

In earlier posts (here, here, and here), I discussed the Taoist principle of wei wu wei (action through inaction) and its application to relationships (and happiness). The main idea is that there are some goals that are thwarted by excessive effort—in other words, you can't "try" to fall in love, or even, to some extent, to find it.

In this post, I offer some more thoughts along those lines, specifically in terms of the importance of being yourself, the difficulties with knowing and pursuing your "type," and the ironies of online dating.

Be yourself The principle of wei wu wei certainly supports one common, yet often difficult to follow, piece of dating advice: be yourself. Ironically, the more we're interested in somebody, the harder we often try to be someone other than ourselves in an effort to impress him or her. It's easy to act naturally when nothing's at stake, but when it seems that prospects are good, we think we have to "do" something to help that happen—and that's where wei wu wei comes in. It reminds us that such effort is counterproductive, even moreso due to the fact that it's focused on concealing your true self. If there's one thing I've learned from movies, it's that if you disguise your true nature upfront, it will only be that much harder to reveal your true self later on (after the obligatory "I have something to tell you" scene).

"You're not my type." A more novel application of wei wu wei to dating deals with the "types" of people you think you want to date. Determining what your type is may seem like a good way to screen potential dates, such as when you're constructing an online dating profile. But as Emily Moss writes in an article on online dating at The Good Men Project, "One might wonder if you actually know your own 'type' as well as you think you do." Furthermore, psychological research on the adaptive unconscious mind suggests that you don't; your behavior, as seen in the people you get on with better than others, may be a better guide to your "type" than your conscious beliefs about it. How often have you heard blissfully happy couples say that their beloved is "totally not my type, but look at us now!" (According to this article, Match.com actually does this to some extent, offering people that fit your past selections rather than your stated preferences.)

In the spirit of wei wu wei, don't focus on what (you think) your type is or isn't: if you meet someone that seems nice, that you find attractive (without thinking about it too much), and that you can talk to, see where it goes—what have you got to lose? You might find out that what you thought was your type wasn't and vice versa, or that "your type" is as simple as "people you got on with." (And isn't that really all that matters when you get down to it?)

Online dating

The last point above suggests a problem with online dating seen from the approach of wei wu wei (at least my interpretation of it): while online dating can be a fantastic tool for meeting new people, it seems that it excessively narrows down the pool of people you're likely to meet. In addition to the various selection algorithms they use (again, see here), I think that introducing some randomization to the people sites recommend to you would be healthy. Rather than giving you a list of people specifically tailored to your selected preferences (or those revealed through behavior), it might introduce you to a person you may never have thought of as a potential date but nonetheless may be surprised by.

Online dating

Of course, there are some things that you can safely know you definitely do not want in a person: some people won't date a smoker, for instance, and someone allergic to cats definitely doesn't want to meet a cat owner. But it's harder to be sure that you won't like someone just because he or she is a fan of sports, or heavy metal fan, or Twilight (OK, the last one may be safe to rely upon). And it's just as hard to be sure that you have a better chance of liking someone because they share any of these interests with you; common interests are great, of course, helping a couple enjoy shared activities and conversations, but they're not everything, and you may find that you have an amazing connection with someone with completely different interests from yours.

If you want to use the principle of wei wu wei in your search for love, be yourself and be open to the wide range of people you meet in places you like to be, whether that's a coffee shop, a gym, a bookstore or a record store. That will ensure that you have some interests or inclinations in common—even if that's only an addiction to caffeine—but still leaves a lot to be surprised by, hopefully pleasantly!

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