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In my last post, I discussed the value of commitments, and also why commitment—especially in the case of marriage—gets a bad rap. In this post, I want to elaborate on those thoughts a bit, this time focusing on obligations within relationship. Read More
All true - until the kids arrive
Professor White,
I agree with everything you've written, except that it gets more complicated around the discussion of the "next phase" of a relationship -- raising children. Many relationships have been weakened or strengthened by having children, because by its nature, your relationship with your loved one must adapt in order to do the job that must be done. For example, my wife and I dated for several years, and then were married for a few more, and during that entire time, there was hardly a taste of "obligation." That changed, however, when suddenly midnight feedings entered the scene, then attending parent/teacher conferences, taking time off work for one sick child, followed by another, etc.
At that point, your relationship may still be based on love, and you can still enjoy "us" time -- but you cannot avoid the business nature of it. Who got up last in the middle of the night? Now it's your turn. Who doesn't have the leave time at work? Who made dinner every night this week? Who cleaned the dishes, gave the kids a bath, and read them stories multiple days in a row?
This gets even more intense for those families in which a parent, grandparent, or other relative moves in. Suddenly, you cannot avoid feelings of obligation. It's a weird dynamic because you love your significant other, and you love your children, but obligation MIXED with love is what motivates you to take on additional responsibilities when every fiber of your being screams "I don't want to." There is this ever-present "obligation" in your head that says "you both agreed to this situation, now you have to fulfill your obligations and change that baby's diaper at 4 in the morning."
A friend and her husband were in a great, fun marriage for 11 years. She gave birth to twins with heart problems, and for awhile the boys were attached to heart monitors and she and her husband would have to wake at all hours to get the boys' hearts started again if the machine went off. Over the next four years, she and her husband had constant problems and he became listless and uninspired, and no amount of therapy did the trick. Their marriage crumbled, and years later she is remarried and happy. The children, themselves, of course are not to blame, but the challenges and the stress of the situation changed their relationship. It dissolved into ALL obligation and no love, in the end.
I am a firm believer that when committed couples buy a house, or have children, or take care of elderly parents, or start a business together -- there are "obligations" that naturally arise out of this, separate and apart from the relationship itself. The key for the relationship to work in all of those situations is to consciously not let the one overwhelm the other. It's not easy, and those that believe that love alone will conquer all, have never faced the reality of a spouse who gambles or drinks all of the family savings away, for example. It's a balance between unconditional love on one hand, and conditional tolerance and obligation for the "business" aspect of the relationship on the other.
Absolutely!
I agree completely, Husband-and-Dad - when I wrote the original post, I had in mind the early stages of a relationship, when partners are still getting to know each other in the most basic sense, and still feeling out where they fit into each others' life. Once the relationship is solidified, and becomes less about how the partners fit each other and more about how they as a couple fit into and interact with the world, obligations definitely become an issue. Thanks!
Friendships
I liked what you said regarding internal / external obligations. I myself are having trouble dealing with a friend who truly disappointed me. I agree with you that expectations or obligations in friendships should never be addressed out loud because these ideas should be inherent in what a friendship is.
For example, if a friend pays for something for me, whether it be a meal, concert ticket or whatever, I feel an obligation internally only in the sense that I want to reciprocate the warm feelings I received from my friend. This is unspoken, it's the natural give-and-take that's normal in any relationship. But what if a friend continually takes and never seems to even want to reciprocate? What if they feel that I get enjoyment out of giving to them, so why should they feel any obligation to doing something nice in return? Is it reasonable that I would feel hurt when these sentiments are actually vocalized? I was told that things should be given in friendships with no expectations or obligations attached, and I agree with that statement, but with the stipulation that friends should want to do things for each other and that is silently understood by both parties. When one party feels entitled to all that they get with no sense of ever wanting to reciprocate how can this be called a friendship? What is reasonable to expect from a friend in unspoken terms?
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