Maybe It's Just Me, But...

Musings of a mildly mad multi-disciplinarian.

by Mark D. White, Ph.D.

Is Personal Growth a Danger to Your Relationship?

Personal change can happen on different levels. Trivial changes (such as a new haircut) don’t affect who you are inside, but more significant changes (such as new dreams) may reflect a different you—and perhaps not the same you that your partner loved and appreciated originally. How can you change within a relationship without endangering it—and should it matter at all? Read More

Are You More Likely to Lose Yourself—or Find Yourself—in a Relationship?

What does it mean to "find yourself," and is it possible to do it when you're in a relationship? (If only it were as easy as doing a Google search!) And is there a danger of "losing yourself" once you're in a relationship? Do you avoid relationships for these reasons? Perhaps the answer is to think about self in a different way. Read More

The Wrong Reason to Get Married—and the Right Way to Think about It

Some single people are happy being alone, but others want to find somebody to be with, and some of them may be going about it the wrong way. Should you get married for the sake of being married? Is staying single (if you don't want to be) better than settling? And how should we understand settling anyway? Read More

Is It Selfish to Want Someone to Appreciate You?

It's natural to want to be appreciated by someone else—but is it selfish? Let's see... Read More

Are You Self-Loathing and Single? Maybe You Think Too Much

Many people say that they're not good enough for their partners, yet they manage to stay in relationships without the internal conflict that plagues "chronic" self-loathers. Is there a lesson here for the self-loather, and what does it have to do with metaphysics and Tolstoy? Read More

Single on Valentine's Day? Don't Dwell on It

If you're single on Valentine's Day and you're upset about it, the worst thing you can do is dwell on it. Instead, try to turn it into a positive. Read More

The Tragic Romantic Irony of the Self-Loather

Nothing is more romantic than restraint in the face of passionate love, as we know from many movies and TV shows—perhaps none more so than the current BBC/PBS hit "Downton Abbey." But what can this tell us about the struggles of the self-loathing and those that they love? Read More

A Better Way to Think About "Settling" in Relationships

Many people worry that they will settle (or are settling now) for less than they deserve in their romantic relationships. In this post, I argue that this is a symptom of our impulse to make overly simplistic comparisons—people are far too complex to rank on a scale of 1 to 10—and we should be looking for the "right" person, not the "best" person. Read More

Is Serendipity the Answer to Finding Love?

People in romantic relationships often find themselves thinking that they are soulmates, that something "brought them together," and that their love was "meant to be." But romance and love are amazing enough without having to invoke "destiny or "fate" to make them feel magical. Read More

The Wrong Way—and the Right Way—to Think about Long-Term Commitment and Marriage

Marriage and other forms of long-term commitment are widely criticized these days either as an obstacle to other life goals or as irrelevant because they all too often end. Are these reasons to discount the value of commitment? I don't think so. Read More

Why Do the Self-Loathing Cycle In and Out of Relationships?

Why do self-loathing people get into relationships only to break them up because they don't feel good enough? And what does this have to do with procrastination--and Family Guy? Read More

What's in a Number? Pondering the "Big" Birthdays

Today I turn 40. And naturally, I have to talk about it. Read More

If, When—and How—to End an "OK-But-Not-Great" Relationship

Are you in a relationship that's OK but not great, one in which you're content staying but, at the same time, not as happy as you think you could be with someone else? How do you know when it's time to leave such a relationship? Read More

Is Being "Half a Partner" to Somebody Enough?

I'm finding this post very difficult to summarize, but it deals with "good-but-not-great" relationships, emotional infidelity, "special friends" (the opposite of "friends with benefits"), and most importantly, self-respect. All wrapped in a tidy bow for your holiday reading pleasure! Read More

Self-Loathing and Responsibility: Your Partner Makes Mistakes Too

The self-loathing are often all too willing to take blame for others' mistakes, especially in their romantic relationships. Why do they this, or what does it deny to their partners? Read More

Does Self-Loathing Get Better or Worse in Certain Situations?

In my last post, I explored whether self-loathing people can nonetheless feel good about certain aspects of themselves. In this follow-up post, I discuss whether general feelings of inadequacy can vary depending on particular aspects of a situation—just as some philosophers argue happens with respect to virtue and behavior. Read More

Is Self-Loathing an "All-or-Nothing" Proposition?

Does self-loathing imply that you have to feel inadequate about all aspects of yourself? Or can you feel good about some things, but feel that they're not as important as the "bad" things? And what does this have to do with virtue ethics? Read More

The Dark Side of Self-Loathing and Insecurity—and How to Avoid It

At the Huffington Post, Dr. Joseph Nowinski describes the drawbacks of dating an insecure person, including possible significant psychological abuse. By contrast, I've written on the problems in relationships with self-loathing people, but they were much more benign. What accounts for the differences in what Dr. Nowinski and I wrote? Read More

"Fish" Out of Water: Being Uncomfortable in Social Situations

In today's New York Times, eminent professor and scholar Stanley Fish opened up about his unease with social situations. Can he teach us—and me—how to feel better about them? Read More

The Single Self-Loather: Caught Between Loneliness and Guilt

If you experience feelings of inadequacy or self-loathing, you may shun or avoid romantic relationships, judging yourself unworthy of love and feeling guilty for "burdening" others. Is there any way you can overcome this and enjoy closeness with others? Read More

Does a Failed Relationship Mean That You're a Failure Too?

The failure of a romantic relationship is always a difficult experience, but regarding it as a personal failure is even worse. But what does it mean for a relationship to a failure, and does this imply that you have failed personally as well? Read More

Self-Loathing and Relationships: Believe in Others Who Believe in You

In previous posts I've detailed the problems that the self-loathing encounter in relationships, as well as the struggles their partners face. While I tried to give some advice to their partners, I have never dedicated a post to trying to help the self-loathers themselves until now. What can such a person do to sustain a healthy relationship? Read More

Utilitarians Aren't Psychopaths—Are They?

A recent study in the journal Cognition (and reported in The Economist) claims that people who make utilitarian decisions (in the interest of maximizing total well-being) also have psychopathic tendencies. Oh, so much to talk about here... Read More

Is It More Important to Be Good for Someone or Right for Someone?

If you have concerns that you're not good enough for your romantic partner, you might be asking the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself: am I right for this person? Read More

Can Wei Wu Wei Help Save Your Relationship?

I've written before how the Taoist principle of wei wu wei (action through inaction) can help you find a good partner, as well as its limited use in maintaining a good relationship. But what role can it play at the end of a relationship, either to save it or help it end less painfully? Read More

"We Were on a Break!" Dating and Sex During a Temporary Separation

Many couples are engaging in "temporary separations" to provide breathing room and allow re-evaluation of their relationships in the hope of reconciling later. But how does dating and sex during the separation work? Read More

Don't "Dumb Yourself Down" to Attract Somebody

One especially tragic example of not being yourself when dating is "dumbing yourself down," which some women find necessary to attract men. But just what kind of men are they attracting by doing this? Read More

Definitely "Be Yourself," But Make Sure That's the Best "You" You Can Be

Dr. Rettenberg's response to my post on being yourself rather than what you think other people want you to be makes several excellent points, all of which focus on what it means to "be yourself"—and there may be more to that than you think. Read More

Who Cares What Women (or Men) Want—What Do You Want?

When you're looking for love, it's natural to ask "what do [men or women] want?" Far be it for me to presume to know, but in the end, it doesn't matter. In fact, I argue that it's a waste of time trying to figure it out. Read More

Are Captain America's Ethics Too Old-Fashioned for the 21st Century?

With "Captain America: The First Avenger" opening in theaters, I have the perfect opportunity to talk about a question that I hear all the time: Is Captain America's moral code outdated, a throwback to an earlier time that just isn't relevant in 2011? Read More

Mark D. White is a professor in the Department of Political Science, Economics, and Philosophy at the College of Staten Island and The Graduate Center, CUNY.

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About Maybe It's Just Me, But...

In this blog, I discuss a wide variety of classic and contemporary issues, most often focusing on issues of ethics (especially in relationships), strength of character, and the law.