The typical response from a more organized spouse is to simply take on more responsibility.  But over the course of several years this often turns into "controlling" the ADHD partner.  Creating rigid structure, the thinking goes, will keep life in order in the face of disorder.

I recently spoke with a woman who often scolded her husband for coming home late.  When asked how late he typically is, she said often only two or three minutes!  To an outsider, that behavior seems completely irrational.  But in the context of her relationship, in which she struggles daily to feel some sense of stability in the face of his ADHD inconsistencies, the behavior makes sense even if it is misguided.  Force order, keep up the pressure so he must always think about what he's doing, "educate" him about how to do things right.  These are the (often) unconscious tools used by many non-ADHD partners in struggling relationships.

When brought to her attention, this woman had the ability to recognize the poison this repeated interaction was introducing into her relationship.  He came home each night waiting to be reprimanded.  She spent the 30 minutes before he arrived in building tension about the possible upcoming interaction.  Rather than warmly reuniting at the end of the day they were miserable many evenings.

So she decided to give up control, ceding his timetable back to him and agreeing that if he were late it was okay if he ate left overs.  She wrote after only a few days about how good it felt to not be thinking negative thoughts about her husband just before he arrived home and how much easier their time together had been as a result of changing this interaction.  At last contact she was actively seeking other ways to not control him and, with some of the negative pressure off, he was experimenting with ways to get himself home at a regular time and better manage his ADHD.

Why did he put up with her scolding at all, particularly when he was often only late by the amount of time it might take to hit an extra light?  There are two main reasons.  First, people with ADHD often have low self-esteem.  They may have spent their lives being corrected, told what they could do better and how they shouldn't be late.  His wife's behavior was a familiar extension of what he'd learned to tolerate or ignore.  Second, most men dislike overt conflict with their partners.  This has to do with their biology - research suggests it's harder for men to "recover" from angry interactions than women so they may be less willing to engage in confrontation because it's physically uncomfortable.*

Controlling behavior such as what this woman was doing is a huge issue in marriage impacted by untreated or undertreated ADHD.  That's understandable, as it's not easy to figure out how to respond to a partner who never seems to be able to "get his act together" or be very efficient.  But it's hugely unhealthy.  It reinforces self-esteem issues as well as the notion that the ADHD partner is incompetent or incapable.  The vast majority of the time this isn't true.  Rather, multi-modal treatment has not yet been optimized.

Once started, controlling behavior almost inevitably becomes more and more distorted simply because it doesn't work.  This woman couldn't really control whether her husband hit a stoplight or left the office early - only he could do that.  So in her effort to force him to get home on time, her time frame and expectations became more and more unreasonable.  Happily, this couple has learned something new - that he's responsible for making sure his ADHD symptoms don't get in the way so he can communicate through actions he cares, while she's responsible for making sure her own behavior is reasonable and loving.  And, that when they follow this path, good things happen to their relationship.

Their story is still unfinished.  But I hope they will, together, go on a journey in which she will practice the art of losing control, while he will practice the art of gaining it.

More information:
*Dolf Zillman, "Cognition - Excitation Interdependences in Aggressive Behavior," Current Theoretical Perspectives on Aggressive and Antisocial Behavior 14, no. 1: 51-64

Melissa Orlov "ADHD and Marriage - Giving Up Control" in the "favorite posts" section of www.adhdmarriage.com