ADHD authority, Dr. Ned Hallowell, often states in his speeches that people with ADHD have two time zones - "now" and "not now." This easy-to-remember way to think of an ADHD person's relationship with time is actually a simplification of the science behind ADHD - that it affects the areas of the brain that impact planning, execution, memory and focus. "Now and not now" is also often called "living in the present" though that may be harder to use conceptually when thinking about how to respond to it in a relationship.
If you live in the ‘now', chances are good that:
- You'll easily forgive others (their mistakes quickly move into the ‘not now')
- You may sometimes become completely focused on the "now" to the exclusion of all else, becoming totally and excitingly immersed but losing track of time in the process
- If you don't do something right away, you'll often forget to do it at all without a reminder
- You'll not spend much time anticipating what might happen in the future, which might lead to thoughtless or risky behavior
- You'll not dwell on the past, so you might not learn from past mistakes very easily
"Now and not now" is quite different from the "past, present, future" way of thinking of a non-ADHD spouse. Embrace the difference, then use your knowledge to make sure all the right systems get in place for the partner with ADHD to succeed. If whatever you're talking about is important, make sure to immediately create a way for that important item to be brought back into the "now" at the right time. Easily accessible cell phone alarms and organizational software can help. So can carrying a small recording device to capture ‘to do' items in the moment. Make a habit of organizing these thoughts at the end of the day to put the necessary reminders in place.
Living in the "now" shouldn't be an excuse for forgetting to help out. Rather, it should be a reason to create specific types of support systems that bring important information back into the "now" in a way that helps the ADHD spouse participate fully in the partnership.
There are other ways to use your knowledge of "now and not now" to your advantage. For example, if you decide to go to marriage counseling, be careful to work with someone who works with you in the present and the future. Yes, you may need to dig around in the past, but try to do so when it is relevant to what is going on today. This will make your counseling much more relevant to the ADHD spouse - playing, in fact, to one of his or her strengths. While a non-ADHD spouse may be still stumbling over an event that happened two months ago, discussing that 2-month old event will likely be of little interest to the ADHD spouse - it will be irrelevant for them now. Instead, take what you learned from that event and discuss it as it relates to something that has happened more recently. If you keep your conversations as non-accusatory as possible you will find that this approach will help tremendously.
Once you start thinking in the "now and not now" you'll find it will be easier to think of strategies for interacting around tasks, conversations, counseling and more that will better satisfy you both.
