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"When there is love in a marriage, there is harmony in the home; when there is harmony in the home, there is contentment in the community; when there is contentment in the community, there is prosperity in the nation; when there is prosperity in the nation, there is peace in the world." Chinese Proverb
The institution of marriage is seeing a grand conflagration of change (see Time Magazine, USA Today, and The Economist. And for a thoughtful review of such matters, PT Blogger Barbara Ray's piece Is Marriage 'Just a Piece of Paper' Today?). The inferno is so fierce that many wonder whether matrimony, as it stands, will even endure. We have sexless marriages; spouses who've become mere roommates who share parenting tasks; partners who've grown so bitter and bickery with each other that they may raise women's risk of stress-induced illness; marriages plagued by destructive and undiagnosed mental illness; and in some, brutal physical and emotional abuse. In short, many marriages—along with the institution itself—have lost their bearings and sense of potential, in a sea of social change and marital unrest the likes of which we have never seen and are just beginning to confront.
It's no wonder we've grown accustomed to recent, seamless rapid-fire divorce.
But we needn't. Nor should we.
Here's why: Marriage, right now, is the best we have for families. I'm not talking about single-people here (Dr. Bella DePaulo, for one, does a masterful job of that). I'm talking about families with children. "The intact, biological, married family remains the gold standard for family life in the United States. Children are most likely to thrive-economically, socially, and psychologically-in this family form," according to the National Marriage Project released August 2011.
And I'm talking about the huge, unsung contributions to us all that good marriages (like well-connected singles) tend to birth. They're the ones whose partnerships spin an extended web of community and support systems: creating security and stability not only for their own children, but for their friends, neighbors, other children, and well beyond. They are the core nucleus of safe harbor. They are generative. They create. They inspire. They model unconditional love and relationship success. Their spouses and children have what has sadly become a privilege (rather than the right) to go forth in the world from a secure, enduring community. And, by the way, they also spawn a host of health benefits (including reducing the impacts of stress and mental health problems, and increasing longevity, among others; see for instance this report from the Deptartment of Health and Human Services).
These are the epic marriages we have all but forgotten as no-fault divorce has spread across all fifty states—when one partner can unilaterally end a decade's long union, overnight.
These epic marriages and their lucky children do not endure the stress of fracture; the immense pain of loss either of divorcing parents or splitting spouses; the absurd challenge of making a way in this culture as a single-parent barely able to make ends meet; or the often destabilizing (for children especially) experience of step-families. Children from divorced familes are at greater risk of abuse, and a host of health and psychological problems, including shorter life span. And, too late, divorced adults often find that they repeat all the dysfunctions in the new marriage that broke the old one. Then they must grow beyond those patterns to save the second marriage. How fulfilling would it be to do that with the parent of one's children in the first place?
I'm not going to say that marriage as we know it will, or even ought to, endure for the long-term—it's already changing. But research suggests it's the best we have right now for families. And it's pretty damn good. Plus, anything we create that works as well or better than our epic marriages, will be nourished and fed by them. We are in the throes of looking for a new, better place—a culture beyond "marriage" as we know it—but one which has learned and grown from all the generative, peace-building, stabilizing, loving forces of our good marriages. The ones so many of us aspire to, but very often now, are unable to build.
To that end, if you feel strongly about the wide-ranging benefits of epic marriages help me vote for Stupendous Marriage before December 4, 2011. The website of that name lists a group of marriage blogs, all of whom intend to support and stabilize marriages—to help couples who are struggling. These blogs offer tools, insights, and perspective that can transform a dead marriage to one of meaning, security, fulfillment and joy.
Yes, my blog Marry, Divorce, Reconcile, is a nominee. And all of the blogs listed are valuable. Likewise, some of my favorite marriage blogs are not listed, probably because they just didn't know about this program. Many of the blogs listed offer very practical, powerful and transformative tools and information.
My hope is that readers will vote for a blog that does the following:
- Examines how recent shifts in culture, legal, and social norms erode our marriages.
- Unearths deeper cause-and-affect relationships between secure marriage and divorce: Is there anything else going on that's not really about the marriages?
- Probes how human sexuality and current cultural mores intersect and what that means for marriage.
- Educates people about our overarching need for biological attachment and how we can use an understanding of that to make marriages thrive. Mature, enduring love is a choice in how we relate to others, and too often we don't realize or use that knowledge.
- Shows how easy and predictable it is for even good marriages to fall prey to divorce.
- Delivers a compilation of excellent tools, resources, other blogs, books, articles, support, and experts in the field: all of which are known to be highly successful in helping to create epic, happy marriages and to rescue failing marriages from divorce.
- Has the potential to reach many readers and experts in the field. And likewise, has an author/spokesperson who's committed to reaching a wider audience via book authorship and speaking, a compelling and highly relevant personal story, and a compulsion to learn and share more in hopes of reducing unnecessary suffering.
- Broadcasts information about the risks and impacts of divorce on adults and children: including highlighting organizations and people dedicated to reducing divorce rates through legislative and social change, such as the Coalition for Divorce Reform and Kids Against Divorce.
- Makes links between experts and fields such as psychology, evolutionary psychology, neurochemistry, biology, and cultural anthropology that explore new ways of understanding how and why epic marriages work.
- Is so focused on maintaining strong love bonds and secure family links that it explores unconventional relationship styles, including open marriage, and how and why those alternatives work very well for some people.
- Includes relevant stories from others, as well as testimonials from people who've been impacted and inspired by the blog, and how it's made a direct impact in their lives and the lives of their children.
- Looks at how divorce impacts society beyond the immediate risks for adults and children.
- Has the potential to make an impact on fostering epic marriages and reducing divorce rates.
I hope you'll join me in voting by Midnight on December 4th!
