Married and Still Doing It

Wanting the one you're with

6 Musts for a Perfect Valentine’s Day

For the Valentine's Day skeptic

You think Valentine’s Day is a commercial opportunity designed by vendors?  Think again, if your spouse doesn’t agree.  If you miss the world-is-observing-love-for-a-whole-day without marking the love in your relationship, regardless or your sentiments, you will be saying, “I don’t care enough about us to put in a modicum of effort for one measly date. 

For unbelievers, here’s a plan to insure romance and sex on the high, holy, holiday of love.

1)   Have a plan.  Don’t ask – “what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day?”   Terry, my best friend since age 15, has rules for gift-giving.  She taught me that a gift must combine an element of the recipient and an element from the giver.  So, ask yourself a) how does my partner best feel loved? b) how do I best  feel loved?  If your partner see love as gifts and you feel love as sex – make sure there is a lovely box to open at the hotel room reserved for the night (not lingerie as that would still be part of your gift or at least, give 2 gifts!)  If your partner feels loved when things get done and you love spending time together – give coupons for 3 tasks at the top of their “to-do” list to be done over the weekend and arrange a dinner at a favorite restaurant for the night. Let nothing reprioritize your commitment.

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2)   Sex needs anticipation.

  1. If you’re a sexual pursuer – text sexy compliments and loving observations all day.  Be a “secret Cupid” - leave notes of appreciation on the bathroom mirror, arrange for intervals of surprises – a card in the morning, flowers/balloons at noon, a phone call mid-afternoon, champagne in the evening. 
  2. If you’re a sexual distancer – this is your day to INITIATE.  Let your partner know that tonight is a sure thing so that you both spend the day relaxed. Don’t let the power struggle over sex contaminate this important day for lovers.  Whatever it takes: an afternoon off work to feel relaxed, a nap away from the children, a massage, exercise – determine to turn yourself on in order to give your partner love their way.  Let anticipation work it’s magic on your personal desire by fantasizing about your favorite sexual encounter with your spouse. Alternatively, if you are always tired in evening, make love first thing in the morning on the 14th.  Be late to work.

3)   For men: Show her that all you want is her.  Seduction is formulaic – give her your undivided attention (the phone stays home on your date), tell her what you find beautiful about her, look her in the eyes as you talk, tell her you want to make love to her.  Don’t ask if she wants sex; women often find this impersonal.

4)   For women: Affirm how attractive you think he is.  Men complain in my office more frequently than you might imagine that they feel insecure about how attractive they are.  Reassure him with affection, flirting and compliments. Since it’s Lover’s Day, make the comments about his body parts that you love most.

5)   Have sex first!  I can’t stress enough how many dates and romantic evenings end in anger and disappointment if there isn’t a climax – every pun intended.  Generate good feelings all night long by eating dessert first…. Strawberries and chocolate, champagne and sex before you hit the town or make dinner or watch a romantic movie (or get too tired, drink to much or eat too much!)

6)   Chocolate.

 

Link for more help from Laurie Watson with SexTherapy in Raleigh, Cary, Greensboro and Chapel Hill, NC. Laurie’s book Wanting Sex Again is available on Amazon!

Laurie Watson is an AASECT certified sex therapist and licensed couple’s therapist. She lectures at Duke University’s Medical Schooland is the clinical director for Awakenings in Raleigh. more...

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