Married and Still Doing It

Wanting the one you're with

The Twelve Nights of Christmas

Sexy Seasonal Inspiration for the Bedroom

Traditionaly, the Christmas season begins on December 25th not the day after Thanksgiving. To help make our season bright, I offer some sexy advice for the holiday bedroom:

12 Drummers drumming… Do it to the beat of a drum!  Only 1 in 3 of my sex therapy patients have music in their master bedroom. In a recent UK survey by Spotify, 40% of the respondents found music even more arousing than touch. Bring the music into the bedroom. Here’s a sexy playlist.

11 Pipers piping…  Research in the Archives of Sexual Behavior  shows women use vocalization to reassure male partners and speed male orgasm rather than relate her own arousal. Moaning for true pleasure is responsiveness at its best. Use it to guide your partner in the sexiest way possible to enhance your own experience. Not only does it enhance your partner’s experience auditorily, but it can break through your own inhibition for a small risk. Pipe up!

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10 Lords a leaping… Learn to leap! Women watch a man’s dance moves and calculate how he’ll move in bed.  On more women’s lists than you might imagine – a man that can dance is a huge turn-on.  If you’re hopeless, take ballroom dance. Give a coupon to your partner for Christmas for joint dance lessons.  If you can follow simple patterns you can learn to

dance. Think it’s too late to learn?  Psychology Today studies show a man’s dance confidence increases after 60.

9 Ladies Dancing… Speaking of dancing, a woman’s sensuous moves count too.  In an article by Sally Dinfelder called Dance, Dance, Evolution, she writes that dancing has long been used for courtship and mating. Dinfelder quotes William Michael Brown, PhD, a psychologist and dance researcher at Queen Mary University of London, as saying “couples dancing together in tightly coordinated ways signal that they are highly bonded and committed to one another.” So at the office holiday dance, when they slow down the music and turn down the lights, move in real close - think dirty dancing close.

8 Maids-a-Milking… Show a little cleavage. Why men are breast-obsessed may be linked to oxytocin which is released during nursing and during orgasm.  It strongly bonds either mother and baby or lover to lover, state Larry Young and Brian Alexander, authors of the new release The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction.  Their research also calculates that 82% of women become more aroused with breast stimulation.  So, show them (a little), touch them.

7 Swans-a-Swimming…Warm water is a sex saver. Best sex advice  - make getting in your jacuzzi tub part of a regular routine.  No phones, no computers, and no TVs in the bathroom; just time for the two of you to relax and talk.  Then, see what happens when two bodies are warm, relaxed, clean and naked.  Biggest reason women tell me they don’t seem to want to have sex in the winter: their feet are cold.  Warm up wet!

6 Geese-a-Laying… Get laid! – Couldn’t resist the innuendo and you shouldn’t either.  Learning to hear innuendo in ordinary conversation is the secret to being spontaneously funny. Listening and delighting in sexual innuendo gives us a playful attitude about sex.  Hey!  It’s supposed to be fun!!

5 Gold Rings… Just do it. Give yourself the chance to get aroused by starting. More than half of all women feel sexual desire after they are aroused per sex researcher Rosemary Basson, MD. The gold ring on our fingers is an outward, visible, tangible sign of our commitment to each other. Sex is a private, personal, physical exchange sacred to the marriage sealing our commitment.  Sex consummates a marriage.  Without sex we have a friendship, a form. Don’t waste money on expensive gifts this holiday if your partner is a sexual pursuer.  Give them sex five times over the holiday. I promise it will make them happier than gold.

4 Colly Birds – Chat like a blackbird. Perhaps the monogamous, common, English blackbird is mentioned in the song because it favors nesting in the holly and the ivy. If your partner is a sexual distancer and an emotional pursuer – give the gift that offers them a feeling of connection (which often leads to sex) – talk.  Amidst the busyness of the season, plan a special date. (I suggest a hotel room with wine, cheese and raspberries, a 4 hour timeframe, napping, making love and then returning to the kids or relatives.) Bring a series of questions designed to be festive, fun and show your interest in them. 

a)      What was your holiday like when you were 8? 

b)      Can you tell me your all-time favorite gift and why you loved it?

c)      Was there ever a sad/tragic/upsetting event over a holiday in your past?

d)      Do you remember the first holiday you were in love and what it was like?

e)      What has been your favorite holiday with me and why?

f)       What traditions do you want to start in our family and how can they reinforce our values?

g)      What is one thing I can do this holiday to make it more meaningful for you?

3 French Hens…Voulez-vous a coucher avec moi…ce soir?  In junior high I decided to study a foreign language in an area of the country where Spanish would have made the most sense. I chose French because it sounded sexy. In France, December 8th is la Fête de lumières, where candles are lit in the windows to celebrate the Virgin.  Celebrate another gift - your sexual relationship - by filling your bedroom with candles for one romantic evening.

2 Turtle Doves... Love and respect.  Spend time demonstrating these two virtues as the ultimate spousal gift of Christmas.  In bed and out of bed, love your partner their way. With the clash of holiday traditions, in-laws and families, there is ample opportunity to honor the differences in our partner and their family.  Remember what feels normal and right at Christmas is subjective.

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree…two disparate things coming together to symbolize unity and joy.  Our separateness freely surrendered for one moment of merger in sexual pleasure. Marriage -  two separate people choosing a lifetime of connection.

 

 

 

*Blue Christmas note: While this post was written before the tragedy of Sandy Hook, I am, and I know many of you are deeply sobered by the loss of so many young and innocent lives. My hope and prayer is to strengthen our marriages so that our love overflows to our children, our communities and eventually, our world, overcoming evil with good.  My heart goes out to Newtown, Connecticut and all who grieve this Christmas.

Good advice for those who mourn here.

Link for more help from Laurie Watson with SexTherapy in Raleigh, Cary, Greensboro and Chapel Hill, NC. Laurie’s book Wanting Sex Again is available on Amazon!

Laurie Watson is an AASECT certified sex therapist and licensed couple’s therapist. She lectures at Duke University’s Medical Schooland is the clinical director for Awakenings in Raleigh. more...

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