She doesn’t want it as much as you and she can’t explain why. Dread – maybe she has low libido. Or maybe because men and women experience the rhythm of their body’s desire-arousal-orgasm cycle as an absolute truth, there is simple misunderstanding. Here’s a video
explaining some gender differences to help. Knowing her body’s secrets will keep sex in synch.
How to read her body:
1) Rosemary Basson, sex researcher, explains in the Canadian Medical Association Journal the normal female reactions during the sexual cycle. Spontaneous desire is more common at the beginning of a relationship and certain times during her cycle but frequently decreases as a woman gets older. Often receptive desire replaces spur-of the-moment sparks; she experiences “triggered desire.” Seductive energy keeps her activated. To use my most common metaphor, this doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a sexual distancer but it probably means she’s not an equal sexual pursuer.
- Women can learn to “trigger” themselves with imagination, erotic reading, planning
2) Low libido women are frequently sexually neutral at the beginning of sex but often motivated to please their partner. “I love him and want to make him happy,” explain many clients whose husbands wish their wives “really wanted it.” I’ve even had male commenters on this blog state how unacceptable this is. To not have the delicious craving he feels at the start of sex may be unthinkable to a man. But can it really be considered dysfunctional if one third of all women rarely experience this? If the uptake is slower than the 90 second clip in most movies, but the outcome is just as wild and passionate, isn’t beginning with her willing not wanting worth the chance of her turning on and sexual harmony?
- Take lots of time during the “change-your-mind-sex,” or the first 20 minutes
3) With touching and erotic encouragement, a woman starts to focus on sex. If the past has resulted in pleasure, closeness and orgasms, then she begins to anticipate good feelings. If her husband-sexual pursuer has conveyed joy and satisfaction in the last romp, a woman will feel that the mental effort to put her body in drive is worth it.
- If you are a male sexual pursuer, focus on what went right and compliment it
4) A woman’s distractibility in bed is grossly impacted if she lacks an emotional connection to her partner. Translation: if you’re in a fight; she won’t be able to get aroused should she even say yes to sex. You may need physical closeness to feel restored after a night of the silent treatment (given or gotten), but even if she wants to make up, too, it won’t be hot sex for her until she feels connected.
- Think twice about sex after a fight; start with holding the first night post-squabble
5) Orgasm may not be her goal. Read that last sentence again. Male client after male client says, “But I want it to be good for her. I want her to climax too.” Lovely. Got it. Your attitude is right on the money. Except when she doesn’t want to. Women experience great pleasure in intercourse, in interconnection, in feeling you inside her. Let her have that without your imposed agenda. I know I said earlier that a slow start could end in just as much passion but she may know
it’s not her night. I agree that if this happens as a rule there will be a problem even for her. Or if her mindset is, “let’s just get it over with so I can get some sleep,” you are justified in serious misgivings.
- She determines what she wants out of the encounter
6) Arousal precedes desire. Now she’s into it, though she’ll need lots more touching to reach her peak. But this slower–than-you-to-get-there woman now feels desire! This is when her willingness turns to craving. Distractions are behind her. You can now proceed to genital touching and it will feel good to her. Here’s another video where I explain arousal. She may be unaware of her body changes. When a man is erect –he’s horny. When a woman is lubricated or swollen, she may not know it. Reinforce what you observe about her physically by talking about it. This will help connect her bodily feelings to her subjective sense of growing arousal.
- Tell her to focus on her sexiest thoughts. “Oral” sex (both kinds) works well here.
Please join me for some conclusions to synching sex between the genders.
To help further with low libido, Laurie’s new book, Wanting Sex Again can be delivered from Amazon on December 4th or found in your nearest bookstore.
For more conversation, follow her on FB at Laurie Watson, Sex Therapy or on Twitter at @AskLaurieWatson. Find out about her clinical treatment options at Sex Therapy.
All Laurie's YouTube video talks in this series: Intro -Sexless Marriage, Sex on the Kitchen Floor, Desire, Arousal, Conclusion - Synching Sex between the Genders