• If you're a woman, never wear lingerie unless your figure is perfect. In fact, obsessing about your body is a great way to ruin the moment, so if it isn't weight, then you can think about all those stretch-marks, or about your breasts sagging (or being too small) or if you've had those fixed there must be a few dimples of cellulite to think about somewhere. If you're a man, don't even think about the spare tire but do ogle women half your wife's age.

• Speaking of children, leave a lock off your door because good mommies are always available. When they're teenagers, still wait till they're asleep at 1 AM before you start, it'd be too embarrassing for them to guess that their parents are "doin' it."

• For foreplay come up behind her when she's cooking and grab her most intimate places and say something sexy like, "You wannit, don't you baby?"

• Since all women in the movies orgasm within seconds, ask your wife what takes her so long?

• If you went first, second, third, and home in the right order, and she didn't like it, assume your wife must be frigid.

• If she doesn't orgasm, tell yourself, ‘some women don't.' As long as she doesn't complain, don't worry much about it.

• When your husband's erection starts to wane during extended loveplay, point it out and worry out loud that it's evidence he's no longer attracted to you. Compare him to your old boyfriend. Saying it in front of others gives you bonus points. If he always comes too fast, just turn your own sex drive off. Especially if it's been like that for years and he's never done anything about it, you can be happy because at least it's over and done with and you can get into the shower faster.

• Remember everything you knew at 22 and don't learn anything more. Don't read a sex manual, don't consult a therapist, don't ask your doctor. Just like you thought French kissing was yucky when you first heard it described, don't change your mind about oral sex either. Remember what mom said about how little girls smell and think about the dual functions of a man's penis. In fact, just think about your mom and all religious prohibitions anytime you think about sex. Pair them and the two thoughts will anchor together permanently.

• Say yes, when you mean no. But lay there; don't throw an arm or leg over the top of him. Ask him to let you know when he's done. Stay silent about what you like best. If he loved you he'd know just like your old guitar-playing-hippie boyfriend knew without being told. Tell yourself that your nice-guy, good-man husband couldn't stand your erotic fantasies and wish you'd married the wild black-leather-jacket boy instead.

• Don't fantasize... ever. It isn't nice. Believe really good sex should be spontaneous.

• Don't resolve your conflicts. Stare at your husband in silence and ridicule him for still wanting sex. Clearly he's using sex to meet infantile needs. Sarcasm works well for both genders to create a chasm between you. When she says she wants to talk more, raise an eyebrow and ask her if she'd like to talk in bed? Take an anti-depressant because life with him is hell; when it spoils what little drive you had, blame him further.

• Accept that boring sex is the result of marriage. Don't suggest anything new, your partner will think you had an affair. If you have low desire, realize that this is the way God made you. If you have higher desire, nag.

• Stay busy.

For more about Laurie Watson or sex therapy, visit: Sex Therapy Raleigh or Marriage Counseling Raleigh