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Bill was beaming. A smile stretched across his face the length of the Massachusetts Turnpike. He could hardly sit still in his seat, squirming like a child who has just been presented with a brightly wrapped birthday present adorned with a giant red bow. This was not the same Bill who had sat in my office the week before. That Bill was sad, dejected, and felt like a loser. But not today.
“She said she would go out with me! I saw her again at a party, figured what do I have to lose except my pride, walked over to her, and said hello. That was it. I said hello and she replied.”
A month before Bill had seen that same girl but had not gone over to say hello. Now he did. The only difference was seeing himself as doing the best that he can, rather than condemning himself for doing less than he can. Bill had adopted the I-M Approach, the idea that we are always behaving and living at our own I-M, our current maximum potential. This is who “I am”. Why not view ourselves as doing the best we can rather than less than we can?
I believe that in our heart of hearts a human being just wants to feel valued by another human being. The fear of not being valued can stifle our creativity, and our joy of life. We may be afraid to take a chance, try something new, start a conversation, apply for a new job, or try a new restaurant. Bill had been afraid to talk with a girl he fancied fearing he would be rejected and devalued. But once he realized that even that fear of being rejected was the best he could do, he was able to overcome that urge to run away and instead, strode across the room, said hello, and began a new relationship. Bill had used the I-M Approach. We all want to feel valued, but that has to start with valuing ourselves.
The I-M Approach is a simple and practical tool to rekindle your value, address your fears right now as they happen, and trust in yourself. I believe that we are at our I-M all the time: simply doing the best we can with the potential to change in the very next second to the next I-M. The I-M Approach teaches you how to start seeing yourself as doing the best you can at this and every moment of time instead of the way so many people are used to: seeing yourself as “less-than-you-can.” When you see yourself as less than don’t be surprised if you begin to live that way, missing out on a lot of potentially amazing experiences. A lot changes when you begin to see yourself at a “current maximum potential” your I-M.
Our I-M is influenced by the four Domains in this illustration:
The Four Domains of the I-M
Each of these four domains influences our I-M all the time. (The Ic Domain is how we see ourselves and how we think other people see us. It is the domain of Theory of Mind, our ability to appreciate another person’s perspective: not only their point of view, but, more importantly, how we think they see our point of view.)
Bill had come from a perfectly good home where his kindergarten drawings were placed on the refrigerator and praised and admired. But he had been bullied in the social domain of elementary and middle school. His biological domain developed some acne as a teenager, and his Ic Domain, the way he saw himself and the way he though others saw him, created a sense of being less-than.
Working in therapy, Bill learned the I-M Approach. The four domains interact fluidly, all the time, to influence who we are. But we respond to those four domains the best we can. As he traveled the road-map of the four domains he began to see how his self-image had been influencing many, many of his choices in the world. In particular, he had been stopping himself from meeting people, fearing he would recreate the sense of being rejected, just like he had been as a little boy at school with acne.
As he began to adopt the I-M idea that even those insecurities were the best he could do given the influences of the four domains, he began to feel less frightened and insecure. He began to rekindle his personal value. Seeing himself at an I-M helped him trust in himself enough to go and talk with a girl he had liked for a while but from a distance.
The next step in the I-M Approach is to recognize that everyone is at their own I-M. Everyone is influenced by the four domains. Hard as it was for him to do, Bill recognized that all of those bullies were at their own I-M, even though he didn’t like it nor condone it. If they were there in his life now he would hold them responsible for their actions, even if it was their I-M, because what they did influenced his I-M. He recognized that his biological domain was responding to the stress in his social domain by producing cortisol, making him even more anxious. His biological domain was also responsible for his acne, but even the cells of his skin were doing the best they could, and an I-M. Bill realized he had changed that biological domain by taking an antibiotic and using medicated creams to change the biological domain of his skin. His cells responded the best they could, and his acne cleared up.
Instead of judging himself as less than, instead of judging the bullies as less than, he began using the I-M Approach to look again at himself and others wondering why they were doing what they were doing based on the influence of the four domains. “Re” = again. “Spect” = look. The I-M lets you look at people’s actions with a deeper understanding and respect. And when you begin to see everyone at their own I-M you don’t have to like it or condone it, you can hold a person fully responsible for their I-M, but you begin to respect it: “re” (again), “spect” (look). You can look at yourself and others without judgment, but an honest interest in why a person does what they do. And when is the last time you got angry at someone treating you with respect, or worried that they would see you as “less-than”? Respect leads to value. Value leads to trust. And trust is the antidote to fear, an antidote that allows you to unleash your unlimited potential.
Everyone is at their own I-M. Bill is, the girl he wanted to talk with is, I am, you are. Bill realized that even if that girl rejected him that would have been her I-M, the best she could do. Instead of feeling less-than by her response to him, he could wonder why she was doing what she was doing, why the best she could do was reject him. This power gave him the trust he needed to walk across the room. It was with this Approach that Bill strode across the room. He was already seeing that girl as doing the best she could, and wanted to know more about her. I am sure that girl recognized this on some deep unconscious level. Bill was treating her with respect and interest, satisfying her own desire and need to be valued. When one person realizes that the other person sees them at an I-M they do not feel judged but instead begin to feel respected. This is the fundamental core of the I-M Approach: it is all about respect.
The fluid interaction of the four domains generates two guiding principles:
1) Small changes have big effects: If you think you have to change everything you are going to feel overwhelmed. But when you recognize that a small change has a ripple effect through the other domains you can relax. It was a small change when Bill walked across the room, but it had a big effect.
2) You control no one, but influence every one. This is really amazing. Because everyone has an I-M and you are part of their home or social domain and impact their Ic domain and then their brain, you really do influence every person you meet. In fact, you influence people you will never meet! If you voted in the last election you had an influence on people across the country, and perhaps across the world. That’s power, and you get to choose the influence you want to be.
These blogs will challenge you to look at people a different way, indeed, to look at all of us differently: as simply doing the best we can at this and every moment of our lives. Small changes have big effects. We control no one but influence everyone. At every moment we can use the I-M Approach to remind ourselves and each other of our value. And in so doing, decrease fear. We are all at an I-M.
