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Hell Is No Place to Hang Out
You can develop an exit strategy from your anguish.
Posted January 6, 2015
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill
As a therapist, I’ve sat with many people who have endured all kinds of painful situations and inner battles. They are vexed by recurring anxiety, weighed down by self-doubt and depression, and entangled in personally damaging relationships. One of the greatest obstacles for them occurs when their difficulties appear so large that they can’t see a way out. They feel that they’ll be stuck forever; and this is what makes their situation feel intolerable, like a personal hell.
As much as I’d like to swoop in and rescue them, I know it’s not possible. If it were that easy, they never would have had to coax themselves to visit a therapist. So, how do I help them on their hellish journey? I do it in a few ways. And, if you feel mired in your struggles, you may find help in them, too.
First and foremost, I let them know that I will walk beside them. I am not just willing; I want to listen. While I cannot magically erase their pain, knowing they are not alone often eases it. Along the way, I encourage them to find other companions for their journey. Family. Friends. Strangers who happen along the way. Sometimes people are helped by a soft shoulder to cry on; a thoughtful analysis; a pleasant distraction; or a simple willingness of someone to sit by their side. These all serve as support and reassurance.
Equally important, I encourage them – and you – to be their own caring companion. While it can be healing to be treated with compassion by others, for it to work, you ultimately need to take in the message that you are worthy of that love and acceptance. You can also guide yourself on a positive path if you practice being your own best friend, reassuring yourself that your pain matters, feeling a desire to heal that pain, and engaging in a willingness to work toward that end.
Painful emotions and distressing situations are made more tolerable when you feel that your life is meaningful. In 2009, researchers Joshua Hicks and Laura King found that meeting your need for connection with others adds to a sense of meaning in life. They also found that – separate from enjoying relationships – experiencing positive feelings adds to that sense of meaning. You can do this by engaging in enjoyable activities, such as watching movies, reading books, spending time in nature, and engaging in hobbies. Another great way to experience personal satisfaction by is helping others.
Those who are sensitive to anxiety and feel they cannot tolerate their distress experience even greater suffering when they are upset. In 2011, researchers Weitzman, McHugh, and Otto found that people who have such struggles and are at a loss for how to cope effectively with their emotions tend to react impulsively when distressed. In a 2013 study, researcher Daniel Capron and his colleagues found that those who were depressed, sensitive to anxiety, and had low distress tolerance were at risk for suicide. Frequently people who are overwhelmed with emotions try to cope by ignoring their feelings or becoming entangled in them. These are sure ways to go astray, acting in ways that lead to great problems and to a greater sense of helplessness.
If you find that your emotions get the better of you, then it’s time to learn to walk through the fire without such distress. I help people do this in therapy by talking with them about their experiences. They talk about what has happened (past and present) in their lives. We talk in depth about their thoughts and feelings, helping them to tolerate their emotions and reflect upon their thoughts. You might find that you can achieve a similar result by talking with supportive people in your life. Keeping a journal also gives people a place to pour out their thoughts and feelings, as well as allowing them to reflect back upon what they’ve written.
Another way to learn to tolerate your feelings is through meditation. With this approach, you practice paying attention to your more benign experiences. For instance, you might attend to your inhale and exhale. You can practice this for even just a few minutes each day. It may sound simple, but it’s not. Your mind will wander. And so, with meditation, you practice bringing your attention back to your intended focus. As you learn to engage in this process, you will then be better able to do the same with more difficult personal experiences. You will be able to “sit” with those experiences. You will connect with yourself. And, as you might remember, meeting your need for connection can be soothing and provide a sense of meaning. In addition, research has shown that meditation helps reduce stress, rumination, and emotional reactivity. It also helps people become more flexible in how they think about situations. To learn more about meditation, simply google “meditation” or you can try downloading meditations, such as from UCLA’s MARC, Smilingmind, or Ron Siegel’s website.
All of the above ideas can be part of guiding you through whatever personal hell you might be experiencing. They will not douse the flames or make everything ok. But they can help… a lot. You might find that you need the added help of psychotherapy, but even with that, these are many of the factors that will facilitate your journey through and out of the pain. Remember, with each step of your journey, you are worthwhile; you are not alone; and you can make it to a better life.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Robert Wood Johnson, Somerset in Somerville, NJ. She is also a regular contributor for the WebMD blog Relationships and is the relationship expert on WebMD’s Relationships and Coping Community.
Dr. Becker-Phelps is also the author of Insecure in Love
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Making Change blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional assistance.
Personal change through compassionate self-awareness
