Each time we change to a new calendar, we are reminded of our chance to start over. People resolve to do all sorts of things, such as lose weight, improve their relationships, stop drinking, or just be happier. Unfortunately, these promises inevitably involve setbacks along the way; and so require perseverance. As the Japanese proverb says, "Fall seven times, get up eight." While this sounds great - very motivational - it does not tell you how to do it.
For help with this, you need to look inside. Consider how you think about yourself. Do you evaluate who you are based on your successes? In other words, do you feel great about yourself when you are succeeding but become frustrated or angry with yourself when you fail? Or, do you gain your sense of self from a more fundamental recognition of your value as a human being? In this case, you are likely to have basically the same perceptions of yourself as a person whether or not you are currently succeeding.
Those who judge their value based on their performance are doomed to having highs and lows in their self-opinions based on their most recent outcomes. When their performance falls short of what they want, they have trouble picking themselves up again. For them, a flawed performance means they are essentially flawed... there is no purpose in getting up the eighth time - and maybe not even the second time.
People who have a more inherent sense of value respond very differently. Like anyone else, they become upset when their plans don't go well. However, while they may at times think that their actions have failed, they don't view themselves as failures. They are more inclined to evaluate what they've done, consider what they might need to change, and then try again.
Although this kind of resilience comes more easily to some people than others, it is something that can be learned. An important place to begin is by truly understanding that people's value is in who they are, not what they do. If you are not convinced of this, think about when you look at a baby. Can you imagine ever believing that he or she is worthless or essentially flawed? Unlikely. Instead, you sense that there is inherent worth in any baby. People carry that inherent value through life. While this may be hard to believe about yourself, consider one of your friends. Can you imagine thinking he or she is worthless just because they've made a mistake, failed at something, or are going through a hard time? Of course, not. And it's this perspective that you need to practice when thinking about yourself.
If you struggle with having compassion for yourself after a setback, pay attention to your emotions. Perhaps you are feeling sad, frustrated, or hopeless - or even all three. Though you may want to push the emotions aside, don't do it. Let yourself really feel them - choosing to be self-aware in this way. Then think about how you would respond to a friend who was feeling this way. Most likely, you would be sympathetic and even feel compassion, wanting to ease his or her pain. You deserve this same consideration.
But let's say you don't really understand your friend's feelings, so you aren't immediately sympathetic or compassionate. Then you might ask them some questions so that you could understand better. For instance, consider how you would respond to a lonely friend who was committed to socializing more, but had recently avoided a small party with her other friends - something that made no sense to you. By asking some questions, you learn that she recently had a disagreement with someone who she knew would be at the party. With this greater awareness of her situation, you naturally feel compassion for her. You might tell her that this would make anyone anxious and encourage her to continue her efforts to do more social activities. Again, this kind of support and encouragement is also what you need to do for yourself when you fall short of your goals.
Try taking the same time and effort you put into understanding and caring for your friends and put it into yourself. Choose to work on increasing your awareness of your emotions and what is triggering them. Then use that use that awareness to develop compassion for yourself. With this compassionate self-awareness, you will naturally want to help yourself feel better and attain your goals - even after you have faltered or outright failed in your efforts. (For more on this, see Compassionate Self-Awareness: Moving Toward Self-Acceptance and Belonging.)
So, set goals for yourself - either now or at any other time of year. Take them seriously and do what you can to succeed. But when setbacks happen, remember to practice compassionate self-awareness. Then you just might find that you will have the resilience to get up that eighth - or tenth, or fiftieth - time and eventually succeed at whatever you set your mind to do.
Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ. She also writes a blog for WebMD (The Art of Relationships) and is the relationship expert on WebMD's Relationships and Coping Community.
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