No matter your goal, personal change must start by
knowing how you want to be different. I don't mean just being able to name it; such as saying,
I'd like to be a calmer person. That's part of it, for sure. But I also mean acknowledging your difficulty while being able to tolerate your feelings and, in fact, work
with them to your advantage. This is something psychologists often call
affect regulation.
Three ways poor affect regulation undermines efforts for self-improvement
1. When people feel unable to tolerate their feelings, they will often try to regulate their affect by suppressing those feelings. This might help them in the short run, but overreliance on it eventually works against them. For instance, some people with weight problems suppress their emotions by binging on comfort foods - and it does help soothe them, but only for a short time. Then, as their emotions come up again, they inevitably stuff them back down with more binging. Even if they make a commitment to lose weight, they are likely to emotionally overeat yet again when upset; unless they find another way to handle those feelings. The same is true for people who rely on drinking, gambling, or excessive exercising to keep uncomfortable feelings at a distance.
2. Many people try to minimize or deny their feelings. For instance, they will say something is "no big deal" when they actually feel pretty upset. If they are upset enough, those feelings will unconsciously continue to be stirred up. Then, when they blow up or get totally overwhelmed over an unrelated issue, they don't understand where it came from. Unfortunately, people who do this habitually are at risk for problems such as anxiety or depression.
3. Another way people try to manage their distress is by working to solve their problems intellectually. This is great when they are faced with a problem they can solve. But it becomes a problem in itself when people repetitively review a problem that has no real or clear answer. This rumination leaves people caught in a cycle of feeling upset and anxious, turning to problem-solving to reduce their distress, failing, and then feeling that much more anxious.
If you have been unable to change old patterns of behavior (such as over eating, self-criticism, or procrastination), consider whether you are one of those who chronically suppress your emotions, deny them, or ruminate. If you are, lasting personal transformation may start with becoming familiar with how and when you do this.
The path of effective affect regulation
People who self-regulate effectively not only tolerate their emotions well, but they accept them. For example, if someone is afraid to talk with strangers at a party, they can acknowledge the fear, view it as understandable, and mingle anyway - often reassuring themselves with self-talk, such as, Just focus on one person at a time and you'll be okay. They do not chastise themselves with criticism such as, What's your problem? Stop being such a wimp. Nor do they feed their fear, saying, What if everyone I try to talk with thinks I'm weird and ignores me?
People can effectively use the three coping strategies I mentioned above, but they need to do so strategically. For instance, someone might suppress or defer sadness about her own misfortunes when at a friend's wedding. Then, after the event, she will allow herself to really feel the sadness, but in private or with a friend. After a time of connecting with that emotion and thinking about her situation, she can redirect her attention to other things.
There is evidence that you can strengthen your ability to manage affect, much like you can strengthen a muscle. To do this, practice sitting with our emotions (I address the importance of this in Sit In The Belly Of Your Personal Dragon). Spend time allowing emotions to rise within you and then subside, which they will naturally do. With practice, you can decide when to temporarily suppress emotions or sublimate them (channeling your feelings into a healthy activity). And, the better you become at managing your feelings, the better you will also be at following through with good plans for self-improvement.
This all takes practice and patience. However, it can help to remind yourself that learning to manage your feelings effectively in these ways can mean the difference between returning to the same old behaviors; or attaining the "new you" that you strive for.
Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ. She also writes a blog for WebMD (The Art of Relationships) and is the relationship expert on WebMD's Relationships and Coping Community.
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