Shame. It's a destructive emotion that I see all too often when people enter
therapy. One frequent reason for it is that people feel ashamed of needing to seek out professional help. It says to them (and they
fear it says to others) that they are weak.
Along these lines, the advice to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is a vivid expression that conjures up images of strong, self-reliant people. But it's also a ludicrous recommendation. It always reminds me of the story in which the mythical Baron von Munchausen rides his horse into a marsh and gets stuck; he saves himself (and the horse) by pulling himself up by his pigtail. Put in this context, it's clear that absolute self-reliance is fantasy. Yet, many insist on trying to pull themselves out of emotional bogs by this same technique.
Unfortunately for these people, their drive to be strong leaves them feeling weak. They become exceedingly aware of their limits; and feel ashamed for that weakness. Those who eventually decide to enter therapy quickly find that this decision creates a conundrum: They think they are weak for needing therapy, yet they find that it takes emotional strength to open up about their problems. Having to be strong in their weakness is a new concept; and one that takes getting used to.
We as a culture have idolized the independent spirit while frequently shunning reliance on each other. Needing the help of others has become a sign of weakness. So we're often blind to the courage it takes to accept our limitations. This kind of courage means acknowledging that we need others - to help care for our children, or for companionship, or perhaps even for a shoulder to cry on. And sometimes, when the going gets really tough, we need the help of mental health professionals.
To find the inner strength to feel strong even with weakness, you must be fully aware of your needs while not identifying your whole self with them. You must be able to say, I can't stop yelling; or eating; or drinking on my own. But you also need to know deep down that these problems don't define you. They don't make you any less a human being - just as your friends' struggles make them no less worthy as friends or as people.
One way to do this is to make yourself aware that there are others who struggle with the very same problems that you have. It's one of the cornerstones of support groups - and with good reason. Knowing that you are not alone can help you accept your difficulties or limitations as a part of being human. And, by taking this perspective, you will find it easier to relate to your problems compassionately. It will also free you from your shame - making you emotionally stronger and better able to focus your efforts on coping with the problem at hand.
The American ideal of the self-reliant pioneer is personified in the ruggedly masculine heroes from classic movie Westerns. While most people know that our country was built on this independent spirit, many forget that it was also built on community. In those old movies, it was usually a group of wagons that cut across the rugged country, making a circle to defend themselves, if necessary. The pioneers worked together and relied on each other as they pushed their way forward toward their dreams. There's a lesson there for us in the 21st century.
Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ. She is also the ‘Relationship' expert on WebMD's Relationships and Coping Community.
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