A feel-good strategy that sticks

In my last blog entry, How self-esteem can get us down, I addressed how bolstering self-esteem can cause problems if it is not built on a solid foundation of self-worth. The next logical question is; what is a healthier, more effective way to feel good about yourself?

Self-compassion is an essential part of the answer. While we often think about compassion as a desire to help others, we rarely think about applying this to ourselves. My personal and professional observations have repeatedly shown that most people are more comfortable being compassionate toward others than they are toward themselves. And self-compassion doesn't mean self-pity.

Kristin Neff, a renowned researcher on compassion, effectively addressed self-compassion in her piece Self-Compassion: Moving beyond the pitfalls of a separate self-concept (2008). She defines it as being composed of: self-kindness, being warm and understanding toward ourselves; common humanity, recognizing that having personal failures is part of the human experience; and, mindfulness, an ability to accept our experiences and to observe them without judgment.

The focus on our common humanity belies a Buddhist influence in Neff's definition of compassion. She explains that self-compassion requires that we understand our painful experiences as part of the human condition; we are not the only ones suffering in this way. In recognizing this, we will not become immersed in self-pity; so absorbed with our individual suffering that it becomes all we see. For example, when a mother loses her temper with her toddler, she can respond with self-pity, as in, Why did I wind up with such a difficult child?; or, she can respond with self-compassion, as in, I know that was not a good way to handle this, but I also know that all mothers lose their patience sometimes.

Another very good example was in the news last month. Tennis pro Caroline Wozniacki followed her father's advice to retire early from a match. Although she could have won, an injury would have prevented her from continuing on to the next round-so she decided to give her opponent a chance to continue on. However, because her father's comments were picked up by a microphone and led to an influx of gambling, her good sportsmanship was subject to investigation by the Tennis Integrity Unit. She could have responded with self-pity, as in, Why did this have to happen to me?; or, she could have responded with self-compassion, as in, Sometimes these things happen, but I know I did the right thing.

I frequently see patients who do not approach themselves with compassion. They say things like, "I don't want to give myself an easy way out"; or, "If I tell myself my failure is okay, then I'll accept being a failure and will be lazy." These people don't realize that self-compassion includes truly wanting to reach our goals and to live according to our values, not just wanting to feel good in the moment. Thus, self-compassionate people are accepting of their failures while continuing to feel motivated to reach for their goals and live up to their standards.

Self-compassion predicts many benefits, which studies have supported. For instance, people who are self-compassionate are more resilient, more socially connected, and more satisfied with life. They tend to be less self-critical, less depressed, and less anxious. Self-compassion is also linked with more personal initiative in trying to grow and change. And, self-compassion is helpful when people struggle with feeling inadequate, something that simply striving for self-esteem cannot help.

It's not that high self-esteem is bad; it's just that an overemphasis on achievement leaves people vulnerable. Rather, we are better off basing our relationship with ourselves on self-compassion. In this way, we will always strive toward being kind to ourselves, valuing ourselves as human beings, feeling connected with others, and actively pursuing our best interests. With this as our base, we can enjoy the momentary boosts to our self-esteem that when we succeed, but endure the hits to our self-esteem when we fail.

Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ.