Making Change

Although current finances prevent me from leaving my husband right now, for the past few months, I have been trying to prepare him for my ultimate departure from our marriage. He has always had an obsessive/possessive nature

towards me, which led to my decision to "prep" him before hand. I have tried everything. When I tell him I don't love him, he says "Yes, you do." When I tell him I will be leaving him, he says, "No, you're not." When I tell him I want a divorce, he says he will NEVER give me one. When I tell him it repulses me when he tries to hug me, he tries to hug me. When I tell him there's nothing he can do to change my mind, he leaves notes and sexually suggestive (and repulsive) gifts in the bathroom for me to see in the morning.

I purposely changed my work shift to afternoons (he works days) and then stay out even later, alone - so I don't have to spend time with him. As soon as I arrive home - sometimes at 2 or 3 in the morning, he's waiting for me and acts like nothing's wrong and tries to hug and kiss me.

I'm at the point now where I bar my bedroom door at night (we've slept in separate bedrooms for quite some time now), and he still tries to get in. Next morning, he's back to acting like nothing is wrong.

My parents (neither of which can stand my husband - he's always said he looks forward to their deaths), recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Prior to that, he continually suggested he and I take them out. I excluded him from the plans, spent a pleasant night with my brother and parents, went home, only to find him once again acting like nothing was wrong, and trying to hug and kiss me.

I have written him letters telling him to stop it and that nothing he does will change my mind, I have ripped up his cards and given them back to him.

I really think I've tried everything - at least - everything I can think of, but nothing seems to get through his seemingly thick wall of denial and delusion.

Until I can afford to leave him, can anyone suggest what I might try in the interim that will force him to accept that our marriage is over, that I will be leaving, and to stop acting like nothing is wrong?

I'd be grateful.

Debra, I'm glad that my blog entry connected with you, though I am sorry that your situation is so difficult. This may sound trite, but it is true: You can only change yourself. When you have done all you can to communicate something to someone, and they fail to accept what you are saying, it is time to accept what they are “saying.” And, it is also time to look at your options, even ones you might have dismissed before. If you cannot bring yourself to take one of the choices open to you, ask yourself if going with the status quo is really in your best interest—sometimes we get in our own way because change can be so hard. And, finally, think about whether you are in any physical danger; if so, make getting out of this situation an absolute priority.

I wish you well.

Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D.

www.drbecker-phelps.com