I tell couples who've decided to split to stick around long enough in treatment to understand their relationship dynamic and to avoid taking it into the legal process. True to form, the reasonable, logical people listen and the hot-heads are hell bent on fighting to the death over a lamp shade. It's particularly interesting when one partner acts "shocked" at how his/her formerly significant other has "suddenly turned" during the divorce process. In my experience there is little suddenness about it. Rather, the potential was always evident; the surprised partner's defenses simply ignored the signs. For example, if one partner always worried about money during the marriage, he/she will be more likely to exhibit a ruthless paranoia concerning finances during a divorce. While Billy Joel speaks of The Stranger, I say you get what you see and what you're too afraid to see. And, when strife escalates, you just get more of it.

It would be great if the legal system could stop some of these emotionally and financially destructive dynamics but the system is "one" with a good fight; truth and fairness tend to take second to winning and losing. Mediation and collaboration are welcomed, but couples who can make it through these processes are usually the ones with the least toxic dynamics. I don't think people can depend on most lawyers to help—although some try in earnest. I think it will be incumbent upon couples' therapists to explain how deeply couple dynamics are entrenched and how they play a role in the divorce and post-divorce process.