Sex at Dawn

i think the issue is more complicated

I once speculated that a true friend could say to a guy "any girl would be lucky to have you."

If the guy is single, and the girl is single, that sentence would be a bit problematic. If the girl said that, would the sentence include her?

There is also the issue of jealousy. In faithful relationships, aren't you supposed to forsake all others?

I lean towards your point of view about whether these issues can "be negotiated," but I agree with the previous poster that it's a bit more complicated than to just say "of course they can." Perhaps the real question is whether they should even bother, given the impediments. That is sort of a moral question, but ultimately since I agree with your point of view, I don't have much energy for debating it.

I've had male friends, I don't see what the problem is. People [should] become romantic partners because there is some sort of sexual chemistry between them. You don't feel that chemistry with everyone of the opposite sex, but it doesn't mean you don't like them and want to hang out with them. I think there is a huge problem that the idea of being friends with someone of the opposite seems to become more taboo the older you get. In high school or college it's perfectly acceptable to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex, but that seems to fade into adulthood. I think this is because as an adult, you are expected to choose your romantic partners less on sexual chemistry and since it becomes less acceptable to be single, it's more of a "why not" situation: "well if you like hanging out with him so much, why don't you date him?" I like to think there's more to it than that. I think it's harder to be friends with someone of the opposite sex if they are in a relationship, but only because the idea that men and women can't be friends makes it socially unacceptable for a married person to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without their partner involved in the friendship as well.

I come from India, a conservative society -- both socially and sexually. Of course there are pockets of India that are extremely egalitarian and sexually liberal, but I am talking about the vast majority.
In India, tradition forbids the mingling of the sexes -- as a result, boys and girls grow up regarding the opposite sex as a dangerous, mysterious entity. Traditionally, boys and girls are expected to make friends within their own sex, and in adoloscence, contact with the opposite sex becomes severely restricted. The result is a society obsessed with sex, a society in which violence against women is not only commonplace, it is also acceptable.
I suspect that if adoloscent boys and girls were allowed to associate freely with the other sex, then we would see a decline in the level of sexual frustration (as evidenced by the widespread sexual harrassment of women in publc places)
As a woman, I often envy the degree of sexual and social freedom that Western women enjoy in general, and I am convinced that this is partly because Western societies do not severly stigmatize the mingling of the sexes the way some Eastern cultures do. So yes, its important that men and women have friends of the opposite sex.

This question can best be answered by the individuals who find themselves in the situation and having difficulty with it. To others who are not in the situation or who are, but have no difficulty having their partner connected in an intimate way (intimacy is true knowing - not sexual alone) to another then there is not even a question to be answered. I am one that is in the situation and is uncomfortable with my romantic partner's perpetuation of 'friendships' with single women. I've not been with him long but to me his ability/ need to do this speaks mostly to his ability to have an authentic deep and loving relationship with one woman. Time will tell. Bottom line - yes, men and women can choose to perpetuate close intimate friendships that entail lunches and dinners out together and bike rides etc .... and keep it all above the table sexually but in the end the quality of the relationship with the chosen sexual partner will be affected. And for about 50 to 60% of couples in America -- separate and disconnected seems to be preferred. In sum --- yes, I like Joe at the gym - he is my friend- I've known him since college. We chit chat as we wait to spin. The day that Joe says 'hey let's have lunch' I'd have to say, 'No thanks, but I'll see you at spinning on Wednesday, want me to save a bike for you?' So, yes I can be platonic friendly with men, I just don't see the need to make social plans together - alone.

I want to believe. Like the "X-Files" character, who insisted in defying common sense and held on to his beliefs through will and logic, I too believe cross-gender friendship is possible. What I can say, based on my own personal experience as a heterosexual male, is that it gets easier with age and its damp on desperation. Alas, the initial attraction is still ofen sexual or romantic. However, that will not last forever and, once it has mellowed down, the possibility of a true and gratifying friendship is real.

What age does for men, is it reduces the time it takes to overcome the illusion that there could be sex. We old timers know that it is unlikely to happen and, also, we are wiser and quicker to see the flaws where, in younger days, we'd have seen flawlessness. We quickly perceive how fast the deity in front of us, blowing off some steam, talking about some altercation she was involved, would be hell to live with. Of course, it is essential that the female not sends mixed signals (we're not that good in decoding the easy ones, let alone the mixed and dubious).

And that brings us to what will, frequently, start out a possible cross-gender friendship, on the wrong foot: women's proneness to flirt without intent. Men always have intent. Even if they walk away (or chicken out, depending on which side you are) when the woman finally greenlights him, at first, there is always intent.

All that said, it does not mean that there won't be barriers and pitfalls. As stated in more than one PT blog and article, there are a few barriers. One of them are the friend's signifcant others, who understandably, might not be too thrilled. Another is the very model of cross-gender relations the friends may carry, which could make them, incorrectly, view there relationship as a perfect starting point to a long lasting romance. The pitfall, as expected, would be lust, duh. You got sperm cells on one side, eggs on the other and two people who love being with each other and have open channels to convey intimacy. If it comes to that, it is imperative that one of the two has the will power and skill to maneuver them out in such a way that the friendship will be preserved.

But, truth be told, I can barely keep friendship within my own gender. The second "F" in BFF has always been good only until tomorrow. Still, I want to believe.