Love Without Limits

Reports from the relationship frontier

5 Myths About Men's Sexuality

What women wish men knew about men's sexuality

1. Men are not naturally monogamous, but women are. 

I’ve always figured that this one is simply wishful thinking on the part of the male scientists influenced by their culture who persistently reached this conclusion until new data made it an untenable position. DNA testing has established that in most animal species, neither males nor females are sexually monogamous although many are socially monogamous at least for a season. Humans are no exception. Women are heavily socialized to restrict their sexual attraction to one guy at a time. They have been severely punished for transgressions, but women's biology and personality are both well suited to multiple partners — more so than men's. The masculine often has a deep desire for simplicity, and monogamy is generally much more simple than non-monogamy.

Women have been shown to be better at multi-tasking, and to have better communication skills, two important factors in multi-partner relating. Because women generally take more time than men to become sexually aroused and to reach orgasm and are less likely to be “finished” after one orgasm, more than one partner, even in close proximity, is not only easily manageable biologically but may be advantageous. The psychological factors, especially the impacts of jealousy and competition for both men and women, are a bit more complex, but it’s safe to say that women are no better suited to monogamy than men are.

 

2.  Men are more interested in sex than women

Fortunately for us, all this is not true. Nature wants all of us enrolled in reproducing the species! Women can become disinterested in sex as a result of childhood abuse, rape, social conditioning including body image challenges, unaddressed relationship issues, unskilled lovemaking or demands of juggling children and work, but these all represent deviations from her inherent nature. Women are socialized to channel their erotic yearnings into romantic fantasy rather than genital imagery, but when freed of sex-negative conditioning and social judgments, women desire erotic connection.

When women are initiated into the pleasures of sex with a lover who is sensitive, considerate, skilled, and receptive to guidance, their sexual potential is awakened, and their interest in sex equals or exceeds the interest of most men.

It may appear that men are more interested in sex because their sex organs are less mysterious and hidden than women’s and because they are taught that sex is about their own pleasure, not the woman’s. Both men and women can benefit from learning more about their own bodies, freeing themselves from sex negative conditioning, and seeking instruction in how to give and receive pleasure.

 

3. Men must ejaculate to be satisfied or to experience sexual pleasure.

This is a very common belief but ask any man who has learned to separate orgasm from ejaculation and he will tell you there are many benefits to non-ejaculatory orgasm. For many men orgasm without ejaculation enables a man to be multi-orgasmic, to maintain consistent sexual energy, desire, and confidence, and to magnetically attract interested partners. Once men learn to orgasm without ejaculation they rarely want to go back to ejaculating every time. 

Most women have been orgasming without ejaculating for a long time because they've been shamed out of allowing ejaculation, or because their partners didn't know how to arouse them sufficiently to cause an ejaculatory release. So women know that orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing. That said, the idea is not to shame men out of their ejaculation but to recognize that they have choices. 

 4. A man must have an erection to enjoy sexual play.

This is another false assumption. Why? For one thing most women like "foreplay" even without intercourse. In fact, some women prefer "foreplay" to intercourse and generally enjoy it more when it's not experienced as a strategy to get somewhere else as quickly as possible. Men tend to equate sex and intercourse, but the reality is that exciting sexual play encompasses much more than penis and vagina. Foreplay does not require an erection, and the process of arousing the woman and feeling her turn on can be very pleasurable in itself, and might even stimulate an erection, if the mind is not preoccupied with performance concerns.

Furthermore, a semi-erect penis can be more sensitive to subtle sensations, and less driven to seek release. This allows a man to increase his capacity to experience and enjoy erotic sensations throughout his body and to contain more erotic energy which can eventually be shared with a partner, with or without penetration.

 

5. The bigger the penis, the better. 

Compatibility of size is the real barometer. A big penis and a small vagina are not a happy combination, especially after menopause. Further, knowing how to use the penis skillfully is far more important than size. This can be learned. A smaller penis is often easier to maneuver inside the vagina, and may motivate the man to explore a variety of ways to please his lover.

The main problem with a smaller penis is the man’s belief that he’s inadequate or not good enough. Many men have this concern even when their penis is larger than average and refuse to believe it’s not an issue for the woman. A man who believes his penis is too small also becomes an easy target for an angry woman who knows just how to push his insecurity and shame buttons. Don’t fall for it, guys!

 

Dr. Deborah Anapol is a relationship coach, seminar leader and author of The Seven Natural Laws of Love and Polyamory in the 21st Century. Visit her at www.lovewithoutlimits.com

Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D., is the author of Polyamory in the 21st Century and other books.

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