As I sat listening to David Letterman's masterful Public Relations coup during his initial explanation of his response to being blackmailed, I was impressed-but also quite shocked about the woman who was not mentioned in his initial delivery. That woman was, of course, his wife. She was really nonexistent in his revelatory conversation with his audience. He talked about the "creepy part" of his behavior being the fact that he had sex with women (note the plural) who worked for him- and his audience sort of sniggered at his admission- perhaps not quite knowing how to react. Letterman took his lumps- but also created the atmosphere of being at a table with his best friends who would understand just about anything he did. He surrounded himself in the glow of audience commiseration, and for the moment, suspended judgment. What he did not do was put his wife first- again.

Now someone has brought this to his attention. Maybe it was wife, or maybe it was one of the millions of women who noticed that protecting his wife's dignity or feelings simply wasn't on his agenda when he first brought the situation public. It took days before he allowed a few face saving gestures to his marriage, indicating that perhaps his wife was extremely upset, feeling betrayed and disinclined to make this as easy a confessional expiation of sin as he had created with his audience.

What does he owe his wife? What does any spouse owe the person who is most hurt by their infidelity? Unless this is the result of mutually broken vows and a series of emotional assaults on both sides of the marriage, the very least a person owes a partner is some protection of their dignity and self esteem. The errant spouse needs to explain themselves, and offer to get therapeutic help if, like Letterman, there seems to be a pattern of sexual escapades or a parallel life of extra marital conquests. If they love their partner, they have to bend over backwards to make their spouse understand that, all appearances to the contrary, they are indeed loved and treasured. Their spouse deserves explanations of why this happened- no matter how painful it is to undergo their partner's questions and anger. The unfaithful partner should make sure their partner doesn't feel unattractive, unworthy, and if at all possible, the errant spouse needs to protect their spouse from friends and stranger's musings that perhaps their partner was somehow at fault. True, some non monogamous behavior is an outcome of a shell of a marriage that has long since ceased to provide love or companionship or it is an escape from a sexless or emotionally abusive relationship. Still, when marriages are troubled, the recommended remediation is counseling, or dissolution- an unraveling relationship is not justification for leading a double life.

But of course infidelity often occurs in relationships that seem just fine. Just because there is infidelity doesn't mean the marriage was in trouble. It may only mean that one partner was restless, needed validation, loved the challenge of conquest, wanted an adventure or was impulsive, indulgent or sociopathic.

In a high profile situation like this one, the least Letterman's wife deserved was the first apology-on or off screen. I don't know if his apology will be too little, but I do know it's too late. Maybe he can make it up to her, but as far as I am concerned, I think he gave a performance in how not to handle an exposure of infidelity. His first concern should have been her welfare and his first priority, at least as far as I could see, was himself.