Love in Limbo

FYI: You need to remove the "." at the end of the URL to that Washington Post story.

I was thinking about the topic of marriage earlier todahy and i
really don't like, and/or trust arranged marriages. For example, I wouldn't know at all the other person and in today's world,
who knows what's out there. War,drugs,crime,terroristes?
60 billon people.
I learned to think for myself and
if you are pressured into marrying someone and he/she
happens to be involved with something that i would regret
getting into later, then i would really question parent'a
judgement.

This is probably the most balanced write-up I've seen surrounding this issue. I especially appreciated this part:

"That's not settling; that's a rational adjustment on pickiness in a free-market dating economy."

It will be interesting to see how mating evolves as science continues pushing the limits of female fertility.

How many of us are willing to settle for second-best in marriage- even in a mate shortage environment? Would you settle for the second best wedding dress when you have an eye on your perfect outfit? Maybe, if the situation warrants it, for availability or financial reasons, but in your heart you would always know that you settled. There is a chance that you will always feel cheated - by your own choices. Do you want the best for yourself and your family - including the children? Marriage is an institution which requires 150% of one's self - is it worth the risk of your own happiness, the good will of your spouse, and the future of your children? Maybe your biological clock is ticking, perhaps the pickings are slim, but is it worth it? Only you can answer that question: you alone. Being alone is not the end of the world, and for some people it can be the best solution. Just be honest with yourself, ask the hard questions, and give yourself permission to follow your chosen path.

One good rule to remember (not just in a marriage situation) - is that if you have doubts - DON'T!!!

Gook luck!!!

All this talk about settling, sounds so calculated. I get that some people choose to be calculating in order to have children or in order not to be alone. What happens if you "settle" thinking you can learn to love Mr. Almost Alright and he turns out to have "Tiger Wood" behavior?

And if anyone has truly experienced the kind of love affair that leaves one breathless and sure that you can never be with another individual as long as that person is alive in the world, well "settling" is just not a consideration.

This is a good article. One thing I would add is that women are just as concened as men with physical appearance if not more so. Men have preferences but are willing to suspend or modify them, whereas women tend to live their fantasies in regard to physical appearance: i.e., they will not give a man who does not meet their physical preference a chance until they are older and decide to 'settle'. This is a bad deal for men all over. They spend their 20's and even 30's getting rejected by women and then these same women are suddenly interested in them when they are in their late 30's or 40's and need someone stable to saddle up to.

I see good points for both sides. I also think it is very easy to confuse ourselves with this depending upon what we have been through in the past and what are needs are now. I personally, have been married before, had children and am now in my late 40's. I raised 4 children with serious medical conditions as a single parent, while running my own demanding business to do so. It was very very stressful and tough! My choices when younger were very different than today. I found myself changing the qualifications that I needed in a man because I realized what really mattered. Bottom line, I needed my "best friend", someone who I was compatable with, enjoyed being with, planning my future with, sharing in the ups and downs of life with...looks were not as important to me as they had been when younger. I replaced that with all of the above things as well as stability, genuiness, honesty, loyalness...all the things my X seemed to lack. I found myself drawn to those qualities. I have found such a man and have been with him for over a couple years now. I am not as attracted to him physically as I wish I were but am attracted to him as a person. He is not perfect but who is, I am not either and I can accept that, as I should. However, I lack the passion level that I have been used to having with others in the past but also realize that those relatioships did not last or work for what ever reason. I wonder if that may be an indication of any sort. We are planning to marry next month and to be honest with you, I get a little scared to think that I maybe settling. Yet, I have no interest in searching out another. I am very content and have no plans of ever leaving him even if we weren't planning to marry. I have been through so much in the past and do not want to make another mistake, and I think at times that I may be confusing myself by the physical/passion piece wishing I was drawn more to him in that way. Other times, I am fine with it...hence the confusion. How can I be sure that I am not just settling as I know at times I can be too analytical and cause my own confusion?

Very well put Anon from July 30 -- matters of the heart are so confusing. Let me divulge a few details of my romantic history -- I married my college sweetheart whom I was passionately in love with. We were both 25 at the time and at the beginning our professional lives. We moved to the US a year after we married and he became immensely successful professionally while my career languished. I struggled professionally, went back to school to study for a master's; and somewhere along the way, began to envy and resent my husband's success. His job left him with very little time for our relationship and I ignored my own emotional needs to make space for his work and priorities. So hard was I trying to be a good undemanding wife (in my own mind) that I eventually slipped into chronic depression. I missed him, loved him and was envious of him all at the same time. All that pent-up longing and pining gradually turned into anger and rage and we divorced after six years of marriage. Six years on and a lot of therapy later, I am emotionally in a much healthier place, and have a stable though not very exciting job. I am still not over my ex and regret the divorce. I have begun to mistrust my own instincts about what I really want out of life and wonder whether I possess any emotional maturity at all. What kind of woman would still be in love her ex six years after divorce? All this baggage makes me afraid of entering into new relationships because I doubt my own ability to build and nuture emotionally mature and healthy relationships. Any advice would really help. I know I've made poor decisions but they didn't appear so dumb when I was making them!

She said perfect tits

Never, never settle for marriage with a man you could not live with for the rest of your life, including his family members! No matter how desperate one is to marry, have a family, be in a tranquil life, marriage is not the answer. Unless a woman is willing to give 150% to his 50% to achieve a peaceful life, do not say "I do" to just anyone. With children one's life changes - more than one expects. Although you may hear "I love you" every day you are married, tender kisses all the time, just remember somewhere down the line you both will change. This is inevitable, one of those events in life that is thrust upon us. How one changes - for better or worse - is up to them. Marriage demands all of your attention, your family comes first, and that is 24/7. Are you ready for this? It is emotionally and physically draining for many. No doubts ever - do not tie the knot - until you are absolutely sure you can live with him and have children, perhaps live in a house you do not particularly like, drive a junk pile, give up the remote to the TV, maybe watch your children go without something they need/want, etc. The list is endless. Love does not pay the bills (this is where being practical comes in handy), nor does love supply needs to be taken into account, such as for medication due to a chronic/painful illness, a handicapped child, a decent education, or worse. Be careful what you wish for: you may get it.

From someone who has been there.