My
parents have just celebrated their 59th anniversary. Many years ago I asked them (out of earshot of each other) what made their relationship work so well. Without a moment's hesitation my mother said: "He always comes first and I know he feels the same way about me". He said almost exactly the same thing. How did they manage to each put the other first for the good of the relationship while staying true to themselves? Being financially secure certainly made it easier. So did having matched values on traditional
gender roles. Each had a road map for expected areas of sacrifice for the good of the relationship. But what if you are in a peer
marriage with egalitarian roles (as I am)? And what happens when life throws curve balls like illness or unemployment? My 87 year-old father's
memory has evaporated and he can barely walk now. My 83 year-old mother is still vibrant and spends most of her days acting as his nurse without complaint because she strongly believes that her love and attention are keeping him alive better than anything or anyone else could (and I think she's right). What my parents knew - and I am still learning - is the real meaning of sacrifice in love.
The Prisoner's Dilemma of Sacrifice
"The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master." - Ayn Rand
Growing up in the swell of women's lib, I once thought that's what sacrifice in relationships meant too, but there's something missing here. Sacrifice does involves surrender of something important or desirable - for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim"1. If the higher claim is a dominating partner's selfish gratification, Rand was right. That kind of sacrifice gives someone power over you. But what if the more pressing claim is your partner's wellbeing - and you know they endorse the same deep value? Then you have power with someone. I think of it as the Prisoner's Dilemma of sacrifice.
In game theory, the original Prisoner's Dilemma involved two partners in crime who were interrogated in isolation from each other. They had a choice of either silently protecting their partner (and potentially sacrificing the most personal freedom) or ratting on their partner (potentially gaining the most freedom). The breakdown of possible consequences was:
If one rats and the other stays silent, the silent one will serve 10 years in prison and the rat will go free.
If both rat, each will each serve 5 years.
If both stay silent, each will serve 6 months.
In a world where everyone else is self-serving, your choice is clear. You protect your immediate self-interest when making relationship decisions that involve giving up something you value or desire. Choosing to sacrifice for the collective good of the relationship would make you a target for domination and manipulation by self-serving partners. In a world where everyone else has the collective good of the couple at heart and can be trusted, your best choice is to be open to sacrificing something important when it's vital to your partner's wellbeing and the strength of the relationship. They would do the same for you if something were vital to your wellbeing. In the second world relationships are safe places to get and give strong support.
Trouble is, we live in a mixed world populated by people who endorse each value system. Sometimes individuals even switch systems from self-serving to altruistic depending on their circumstances, life stages and partners. What do you do?
Love, Trust and Sacrifice
How do you know if your partner really has your back or if he or she is ultimately self-serving? As in the Prisoner's Dilemma you risk losing the most if your trust is misplaced. The kind of trust that is necessary for healthy sacrifice is especially daunting for people who have been burned before, have seen others get burned or who become seduced by greed or desire for domination. Hmm, if you take all that into account, who hasn't experienced at least one of these things? So is your best bet to treat relationships like a zero sum game? As long as your partners treat relationships the same way, neither of you gives up too much... and no one sticks around when healthy sacrifice is required to take the relationship through the rough patches to the next level of intimacy. Mr. and Ms. good-for-right-now rule the day. If you don't want this kind of relationship (and I don't at this point in my life), how do you know if and when to make personal sacrifices to support your partner for the greater good of your partner and the relationship?
1. Recognize the signs of gamer versus mature giver. This requires taking the time to see your partner's character when you're not in the throes of infatuation. Don't rationalize, compartmentalize or otherwise ignore the self-serving flags. A partner's capacity for generosity, compassion and putting the good of a relationship first without losing themselves in the process will show up in other areas of their life eventually - in how they treat you, their parents, kids, pets, friends and work obligations. It will show up in how they characterize past relationships, how much they let you see their vulnerabilities and how willing they are to delay gratification. This Close Relationships Research article by Susan Hendrick, can help you discern a person's general style of loving. Scroll down the page to "The Love Styles" in the link.
A book that can also be helpful is How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk, by John Van Epp
2. Take the long view. Recognize there is no such thing as a totally equal relationship. Peer partners who are focused on being totally equal often end up in tit-for-tat power struggles and endless score keeping. There's an old Chinese proverb that I think captures the true egalitarian relationship well: "The years see what the days will never know". Over the life of the relationship each trustworthy and generous partner gives and gets enough turns at having some needs met or accommodated by the other to tolerate deep personal droughts and sacrifices at other times. The relationship between Christopher and Dana Reeve was a splendid example.
3. Work on your underdeveloped and broken parts. I once heard someone say, "True giving comes from a sensation of fullness". If there is an underdeveloped part of you, giving from this realm makes you feel weaker, more insecure or envious instead of full, generous and intact. For example, if you crave attention because you need constant validation to feel better about yourself, sacrificing the spotlight to your partner will feel threatening and debilitating rather than uplifting. If you attempt to rescue your partner because you haven't dealt with your own need to be needed, sacrificing for your partner is not healthy - it's dependent.
4. Know when enough is enough. Know what your limits of personal sacrifice are and why you feel strongly about them. Share them with your partner. Everyone has deal breakers and honest discussions about having kids, living arrangements, sexual boundaries, work commitments, religion and family obligations are essential to have before committing to a life together. Some good inventories that help couples get a grip on these can be found at Couple Checkup.
5. Find examples. Be on the lookout for examples of couples that are making shared sacrifice for the good of the relationship work. If you don't know any couples like that personally, actively look for them in history, literature, the news and films. Some of my personal choices in film are The Notebook, Fireproof (which is a Christian film and I'm not at all religious but still found great value in the story), Away From Her and In America. Tell me yours and I'll add them here.
This post is dedicated to my parents and my husband - who form the bedrock of my beliefs about love and sacrifice.
