"Philip asks Sandy to marry him and she says yes because she figures that she does love him, not passionately, but maybe it's good enough, the relationship is comfortable, and besides she hasn't found anything better yet. After several years of each trying to convince themselves that this is what a normal marriage is, Sandy and Philip's marriage continues on a path of mostly sexless, melancholic, brother/sister type communication until it finally dissolves devastating not only both partners, but their innocent children as well". - Posted by Anonymous
In my last post I responded to this reader's story about a marriage in which one partner had always been more "in love" than the other. Read You're Just Not Into Him (Part 2) - You Married Him Anyway to see why unequally-in-love partners marry and what leads to divorce. Companionate and pragmatic marriages work out well when romantic love isn't a priority for either partner. In fact, companionate love is the bedrock of the most stable close relationships. But marriages don't typically fare so well when a less-in-love partner believes she "settled" for a marriage in which she never felt passionate chemistry or romantic love with a more-in-love spouse.
Counseling Couples That Are Unevenly "In Love"
Although a majority of Americans say good companionship is the most important feature of a marriage, they also say they wouldn't marry someone if they were not "in love" with them. Being in love goes beyond sexual desire and the obsessive swoon that marks pure infatuation. It's where zest, intimacy, challenge, admiration, spice and synergy converge - and it can be recharged over a lifetime. Rejuvenating shared passion takes conscious awareness and effort but is still much easier than trying to create it where one partner never felt it in the first place.
What happens to couples in counseling when love is lopsided? What affects the odds of their staying together and thriving?
Do they have a shared goal for counseling? When asked what they think would be a good counseling outcome, it's not unusual for these partners to have different responses. The more devoted one typically says he wholeheartedly wants to stay together and wants his partner to desire him more. (In the reader's scenario above the more-in-love partner was male and his partner was female so I'll keep this post consistent, but either one could be any gender). The less-in-love partner's response is often more vague, such as "I guess I want to find out if things can work out", or "I just want to be happier" or "he's a good man and I should feel more but I don't". When the less-in-love partner's level of motivation is assessed more thoroughly it's common to find out she already feels hopeless about the relationship and has checked out emotionally.
While a well-rounded initial assessment includes addressing possible physiological reasons for lack of desire and flat mood, there are relational roots for the mismatched feelings these couples present. If the less-in-love partner married to satisfy other needs and values that were more important to her at the time (such as financial or social security), once the other reasons for marrying become less relevant to her she starts to feel trapped. This partner isn't motivated to do much in counseling towards staying together. Being in a therapist's office is more likely to make her want to bolt. Meanwhile, the more devoted partner is willing, eager or even desperate to try anything. The lack of shared goals will stalemate potential progress.
Are they are honest in sessions? Sometimes the less-in-love partner wants out and doesn't reveal this to her partner or the therapist at first. When her words don't match her behavior the truth begins to come out - she doesn't say much or she says things are "fine" in session, misses appointments, "forgets " to try suggestions, dismisses or invalidates her partner's tentative attempts at something new or focuses only on his faults. She may be having a secret affair or making covert exit plans (such as meeting a divorce lawyer, hiding assets and finances or building a child custody case). The counselor wrestles with the inconsistencies until each partner is able to disclose their real fears, desires and best and worst case scenarios.
Do they have children, or other strong positive incentive for staying together?
When both partners strongly prioritize their children's welfare they have mutual incentive to try whatever it takes to create a more satisfying relationship. If they have experienced devastating consequences of divorce in their own lives or have a faith-based (not guilt or shame-based) commitment to maintaining a stable family they will both be willing to reach further out of their comfort zones to find a way together - and to accept more sacrifices of personal "happiness" in the process. When they only have negative incentive for staying together (such as lacking the finances to live apart or fearing the disapproval of others or their religion) a mutually satisfactory outcome doesn't stand much chance.
Are they are each able to take some counter-intuitive action?
Paradoxically, what is most effective when working with these couples is for each partner to flip their script. The more-in-love partner has descended into an emotional and physical one-down position over time and lost confidence in his ability to be desirable and feel strong and vibrant with or without his partner. The solution is not trying ever-harder to mold himself into everything the less-in-love partner says she wants and needs. He's already been taking that approach and it makes him appear more cloying and weak to her (and strips away pieces of his own identity in the process). These tactics make her even less attracted to him.
He needs to begin paying more attention to aspects of his life outside of her and create healthy distance in the relationship. He can develop more vocational and avocational interests and activities, work on physical fitness, nutrition, friendships, creativity and other activities that help reboot his self-regard and self-respect. He also needs to face his worst-case scenario head on. If his biggest fear is losing his partner altogether, imagining this actually happening and practicing calming the panicky feelings that come up will help him regain his center of gravity no matter what the future holds.
The less-in-love partner's work begins with a brief inventory of what really compelled her to marry this particular guy in the first place. She should also examine and appreciate where she has experienced personal growth over the years of the relationship. She also needs to talk honestly about her own fears, desires, motivations and worst case scenarios. It can be helpful for her to fully and realistically imagine life after divorce or dissolution to get a better understanding of any romantic illusions she has about the nature of lasting love and healthy romantic chemistry. Giving her exercises that artificially push her towards premature increased closeness with her partner (such as massages, staring into each others eyes, more intimate talk or just saying yes to sex) will probably backfire in this situation.
I believe a lot of couples feel stuck in relationships like this and I have only touched the tip of the iceberg. If you can relate to anything about "Philip" or "Sandy's" predicament in my last three posts a good book with some excellent tools to try is The Passion Trap by Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips.
© 2009, Linda R. Young. All Rights Reserved
