Love in Limbo

It doesn't speak well of ms. K that she remained married while shacked up in Paris. I guess if it hadn't worked out she would have crawled back to her husband in Jersey. There is another word for a woman like that and I think it rhymes with more.

At the end you suggest that couples can learn to see their blindspots and perhaps figure out why they are attracted to ppl they have unhealthy chemistry with. Is there a way to do this without therapy? I mean, how average ppl gain the insight other than by a paid professional. How do successful couples do it? Are there everyday behaviors that would facilitate insight without having to go to therapy?

Although what is laid out in clear black and white may be true, it doesn't make finding oneself out of the web any easier. Given one marries the person who meets unmet emotional wounds - and one day wakes up wishing that he/she felt invigorated about being with this person for whom they care deeply - but in the context of someone who provides a sense of familiarity. However, this individual comes across someone who is their "psychological" match - who distracts them to no ends despite trying to distance contact - which leads only to consumate thoughts of this person. What then? Just hide under the covers until the malady is over?

A sincere committed relationship should really not be any work. If a couple has to work at their relationship so constant and so hard, it's probably better to let it go. Working at a relationship in order to keep away another attraction and also attending therapy for couples seems a lost cause. If one is so intensely attracted to another while professing to love the person they are with, it basically says they are with the wrong person. True love doesn't feel like work nor should it. And all this nonsense about how do you choose a partner etc etc is comical. Human beings, if lonely enough can find multiple partners that they are compatilbe with and also might find love over time with, it doesn't mean we have found true love just because you find someone that you are compatible and attracted to. If one for example, submits an ad advertising oneself, and is willing to be responsive and compatible, if there are enough positive charactistics and the person is attractive also, one believes they have found love. I believe in cases such as that, they are lonely and settle because we are all capable of finding compatability. And when you use terminology such as "hurt like crazy to nail the doors and window shut....without the escape hatch the psych match provides.... I would say to attached and attracted, run like hell. I believe that noone can tell you how you should feel, how you should respond and if you are feeling trapped, you are not honoring the relationship that you are in.

A sincere committed relationship is one in which a person truly loves, honors, and respects the other, hence, truly loves that person. And yes, things can change over time but that is also why we see such a high divorce rate, people find compatibility and think they love each other. It's more rare to find someone that you can truly love, honor and respect over time. To the psych community: it's not nearly as complicated as you try to make it!

The "psych community" may have fractions that attempt to "reframe" ones perception and/or feelings - but their main contribution is (or should be) to help people deal. Whether it is the person coming to learn their partner no longer feels the same way or the partner who is conflicted - some people just need a mental health moment and an objective person to talk to. On all other fronts - I agree with "not complicated" - trying to appease ones changing perception - be it through numerous couple therapy sessions or other tricks that put your view through mirrors of a fun house so that it comes back looking appropriately distorted only lends to hypocrisy.

We're in trouble if we can't control our urges and this is especially when you're in a committed relationship with another.

If you can't control yourself, stay single. Who needs trouble that infidelity brings.

My passionate woman behaved like my mother, resembled my sister and father. I was her dad. Total passion, very unusually intense and it left me feeling like there was no me left. She played it well, on-off phases, while I could have done the same. I got tired in the end, drained and suffocated. I would like to say the passion is great but the ride is too intense. Next time a little more control and balance.

I cannot return, even if it was possible, as I need to work on myself a little. The changes I am seeing have made her less desirable in the cold light of day. My needs have changed and she can't meet them. I want a proper relationship and to feel good. It is a nice idea to try and work it out but I think there has to be far more than the passion and if there was it may not have headed the way it did.