I agree and I think that there is a very prevasive resentment issue that comes forward too. I suspect that in many instances one person has set themselves up as (or circumstances have made them) the "gatekeeper" either to sex or society. People resent people who hold the keys to their happiness -- particularly if there is a perception of manipulative rationing. There are probably some High T or Narcissistic people for whom this does not apply -- but I suspect it is true in many cases. Maybe one way to deal with the issue is to "leave the cage door open" within the relationship. Resentment breeds entitlement.

Well said, John B. The kind of resentment you described sometimes does get played out through cheating as a passive-aggressive declaration of independence (and punishment of the partner who appears to hold the keys to happiness). Both withholding and demanding sex can be attempts to reclaim power or influence in the relationship. "Leaving the cage door open" may be part of the re-balancing work - but only when you are truly ready to be trustworthy - and will not be a solution in isolation. Both partners need to directly address what's beneath the resentments and look at their own contributions to toxic dependency or oppression. Until both partners can treat each other respectfully, lovingly and equitably, undercurrents of resentment will still be there.

There is nothing to really envy about those who cheat. I cheated on my ex-husband and it was a dark and painful time. Still, I was hurt by the number of female "friends" who wrote me off based on a single behavior when I had been there as a loyal friend for nearly a decade.(none of them were even friends with my ex) I started to look at who was willing to at least try to empathize with me or listen and offer feedback versus those who stuck to the black and white, "you are a cheater= you are a bad person." It sounds harsh but I noticed with a sudden clarity it was only the females who struggled with thier appearence and own relationships that so quickly condemmed me. Despite the amount of pain I was in, I actually think they were jealous. Why should I have my cake and eat it too when they didn't even have a piece of cake? I am now engaged to a wonderful new man and happy and faithful. Still, I surround myself now with only secure women who respect me as a whole person and do not secretly resent others for having a fantasy life; because they know the fantasy isn't real. True friendhip is gritty and raw, forgiving and empathic.

It's well known that those who cheat are bipolar or have depression. They deserve a second chance only when medicated. Sincerely,David

Pretty sure there are a lot of people who cheat that are not bi-polar or chronically depressed.

I appreciate how Dr. Young blended information about both the chemical and social basis for attraction to people outside of our partnerships. I wish the general public had a better understanding of the fact that we are not an inherently monogamous species and that these attractions can be largely biological. I think this knowledge would help people deal with their feelings better, instead of deluding themselves into thinking they need to act upon them.

Over the years, I've come to understand how strongly my body can respond to attractions and so I can ride them out. The feelings always die pretty quickly (as the dopamine or testosterone stabilize, due to what, who knows - I get to know more about the other person and they start to turn me off), and my relationship to my boyfriend/partner is intact. (That said, if those feelings don't subside for people, I imagine that is a sign that changes may need to be made.)

..and thanks for the fun stat about Utah. That's hilarious.

I think this is a crock of BS! I think an act as selfish as cheating is a choice and a direct disrespect for the one who believes that everything is alright. All this crap about dopamine and testerone, save it. Most of us don't want to get up and go to work everyday but we know there are consequences if we listen to the estrogen telling us we are lethargic because it is time for our cycle or the testosterone telling us we would be no good at work because our sex drive is through the roof because we are so high strung because of this hormone in our body. We need to own up to responsibilty. If you cheat admit that and hope your SO forgives you and try to get some control over yourself and some respect for others; Or how about just letting the other person know up front that you're not interested in monogamy, since you already know from previous experience with hormonal fluctuations that you cannot be content sleeping with or sharing intimacy with just one person. Take this challenge if you are a cheater who believes this kind of crap: how about the next time the opportunity presents itself for you to cheat, you walk away and see does it kill you to do so. Now think about what that bold move of faithfulness/respect did for your relationship. It has to be the better alternative if you are in a "monogamous" relationship. Besides, what would she/he do if they found out you went ahead and took the bait? How would they feel if they learned you didn't fall for it?

You and I are more in agreement than you might think. You said "an act as selfish as cheating is a choice and a direct disrespect for the one who believes that everything is alright" That's exactly my point! While hormones, background and availability of prospects play a role in how strong temptation will be, those factors never "cause" cheating and are not excuses for it. Cheating doesn't happen without feelings of entitlement - which are absolutely selfish! Dismantling that selfish entitlement is a big part of prevention and relationship repair. Recognizing rather than ignoring or dismissing the strength of physiological urges can also help people regulate them to prevent transgressions as the commenter before you stated beautifully.