Love in Limbo

The paradoxes of dating and mating.

by Linda Young, Ph.D.

Truth and Lies About Sex

"AdamAndEve.com Finds Most Americans Have Sex In Public!" This recent press release got my attention (as it was obviously designed to do). Yahoo Shine, YourTango, More.com and other pop culture media immediately picked up the story without questioning the veracity of the numbers, with leads like "52 percent of adults in the United States cop to copping a feel o Read More

A Tribute to Love: Steve and Laurene Jobs

(This post was written on August 26, 2011, and last reviewed on October 5, 2011) Read More

Is Your Fidelity Line Fuzzy?

"Look, I need to have sex with somebody. I'm not going to if you don't approve of it, but please approve of it." Those were Will Smith's words in 2005. Read More

Feminism Is the Anti-Viagra, Not!

I just read Why Feminism Is the Anti-Viagra, and want to set something straight. Yes, there's some truth to some of what Ogas says about desire. The kind of guy that stars in a woman's sexual fantasy is not necessarily the same one that shares her values or shares parenting. Read More

Sealed With(out) A Kiss

It's nearly Valentine's Day and we're being blitzed with images of couples smooching so I was suddenly reminded of that scene from Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts' character was a prostitute who didn't kiss her johns on the mouth because for her, kissing was intimate but sex was not. Read More

4 Reasons Smart People Make Stupid Dating Decisions

"What was I thinking? How could I have gone out with him in the first place?" Lots of us have been there at least once in our lives. Sometimes it's indicative of a pathological relationship pattern but often it's just a function of common human tendencies that cloud the judgment of smart, healthy people with good self-esteem. Here are four examples. Read More

F*** List Fallout

I don't think casual sex is inherently good or evil. But Karen Owen is suddenly a hero to some and a sick slut to others. So when is hooking up with abandon harmful and when is it a harmless choice? Read More

Unequal Love Across The Color Line

Stories about black women, marriage and interracial relationships have always generated controversy, strong opinions and stereotyped assumptions. Just this week Dr Laura took a call from a black female caller married to a white man who wanted to know how to handle ignorant and racist remarks from his family and neighbors. Read More

High-Achieving Black Women and Marriage: Not Choosing or Not Chosen?

She was a 40 year old black woman with a Ph.D., ready to find a mate in a city that is only 5% black. One day a tall good-looking black man about her age approached her in the gym. He hadn't finished college but was smart, funny and interesting and she was happy to go out with him. Read More

"It's Not You, It's Me." Pseudo-Compassionate Break-Up Lines

"It's not you, it's me." "I hope we can still be friends". Have you ever used these lines while breaking up with someone? If you were the dumpee did it make you feel better or worse? I'm guessing worse. Read More

Conniving or Conflicted?

Have you ever dated someone who kept you guessing - hot one day and cold the next, telling you they just want to be friends while treating you like they're in love with you, or telling you they're in love with you but keeping you at a distance? Have you ever been the waffling one? Are people who give mixed messages about their level of interest or commitment manipulative game players? Read More

Marry Him? When Are You "Settling"?

"Marc" wants me to marry him. Even though he has so much of what I'm looking for, I just wish he had the sense of humor and sexiness of the guy I broke up with before him. I'm feeling tempted to say yes but I can't help wondering if I'd be settling. Then again I will be turning 34 next week and I think it's starting to affect my thinking. I don't know what to do!" Read More

Is This "The One"?

Finding "the one" is the bread and butter of chick flicks but in a world populated by nearly 7 billion people the odds of finding a one-and-only soul mate are statistically close to zero. So why do so many people say "I just knew he (she) was the one!" shortly after meeting the person they eventually marry? Read More

Love, Sacrifice and The Prisoner's Dilemma

My parents have just celebrated their 59th anniversary. Many years ago I asked them (out of earshot of each other) what made their relationship work so well. Without a moment's hesitation my mother said: "He always comes first and I know he feels the same way about me". He said almost exactly the same thing. Read More

You're Just Not That Into Him (Part 3) - Couples Counseling

"Philip asks Sandy to marry him and she says yes because she figures that she does love him, not passionately, but maybe it's good enough, the relationship is comfortable, and besides she hasn't found anything better yet. Read More

You're Just Not That Into Him (Part 2) - You Married Him Anyway

Awhile back I wrote about 3 typical paths that dating relationships take (two healthy and one unhealthy) when one partner is more "in love" or devoted than the other. Read You're Just Not That Into Him (Part 1) to get the full story. A reader's comments about a 4th path moved me to write about what happens when one partner is less in love - and gets married anyway. Read More

The Paradox Of Virgins And Vamps

The busty, beautiful college student sat across from me in our first session wearing a tight t-shirt that said "I bring men to tears". She was smart, outspoken and sexy and called herself a feminist. She was also frustrated, confused and upset. "I like that I embrace my sexuality and I love the attention I get from men. Read More

Here's Who Took Joe Wilson's Picture and How

In response to Satoshi Kanazawa's conspiracy theory about who might have taken Joe Wilson's picture at the moment of his outburst at Obama's congressional speech, I suggested in an earlier post that it might have been taken with a high megapixel camera like the Gigapan Epic. Read More

Intense Sexual Chemistry (Part 2)

In this Sunday's New York Times Vows column, actress Sarah Kabanuck and Il Divo singer David Miller recalled their first meeting. She said "There was a moment of connection, but it was so intense that we couldn't be friends". David said "I was out of place and out of time". Read More

Intense Sexual Chemistry (Part 1)

You're single and content and suddenly ambushed by an intense, intoxicating connection with someone you've just met. Intense sexual "chemistry" is a high like no other. But it can also make you do ridiculous things. When does intense chemistry lead to the mother lode and when does it become a death spiral? Read More

Are Women Always More Selective in Mate Choice?: Misleading Research Conclusions

Satoshi Kanazawa's latest blog post (Are Women Always More Selective In Mate Choice Than Men?) caught my attention. I love controversial and provocative studies and reporting, but I also know that in these kinds of studies, spinning the findings to fit one's belief system is common and media then create attention-getting sound bites that cause the masses to draw distorted conclusions. Read More

What Gates, Crowley and Couples in Conflict Have in Common

“My sense is, you’ve got two good people in a circumstance in which neither of them were able to resolve the incident in the way that it should have been resolved”. President Obama’s words sum up many conflicts between two people that lead to acting “stupidly”. Read More

Dating Decisions: Good, Fast or Cheap?

There's an old adage in project management that says it's impossible to create a product or service that is good, fast and cheap. What is good and cheap won't be fast, what is good and fast won't be cheap, and what is fast and cheap won't be good. Read More

Cutting to the Chase on Cheating

Why might Tiger cheat? Cheating on your partner comes down to these three things. Period. Read More

You're Just Not That Into Him (Part 1)

“I don't think I am as in love with my boyfriend as he is with me. I care about him a lot, we always have fun together and we have good sexual chemistry. He has maybe 70% of what I would look for in a permanent relationship. That’s fine for now since I’m busy in grad school and not ready to settle down anyway. No one out there looks better right now but I want to reserve Read More

Linda Young, Ph.D., is a psychologist and relationship coach whose work has appeared on or in CNN, NPR, The Oprah Magazine, and USA Today, among others.

more...