Love Doc

Fear of Real Intimacy

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 17:22:21 +0000

Tiny of waist, trim of girlish body, brilliant of mind, Danielle smile beguiled. "He's really so great. Bret's kind, accomplished and he respects and cares about me and my three children. I don't understand myself, but now that we're getting serious, I want to date others. Do you think I'm flighty, shallow, or just immature?"

Knowing Danielle as I do, she is none of the above; she is a sensitive, highly educated, competent, but self-deprecating young woman. A survey of her experiences with intimacy reveals a barren landscape. Not only do her parents live in the same house and not talk with one another, not only do they disapprove of her lifestyle ─ a divorced mother living in near poverty - but prior attempts at intimacy have failed the test of time.

Kyle was twenty five years older than Danielle, set in his ways, and definitely not sexy. Jonathon, on the other hand was age appropriate, emotionally engaged with Marla and definitely sexy. Unfortunately, Jonathon was married. Then there was Steve, a recently divorced upstanding man, who was still in love with his ex-wife. None of these men were either physically, emotionally, or sexually available. Not until Bret came into Marla's life.

A successful young financial wizard, Bret's pragmatic personality complimented Marla's artistic one. Encouraging her sculpture, he built a studio for her and helped her mount a show. A good natured single man, Bret adored Marla's children who in turn adored Bret. For these reasons and many more that are inexplicable, Marla and Bret were madly in love ─until Bret talked about marriage.

Self doubts and doubts about Bret suddenly cropped up. Marla noticed that Bret was sweet and that his family was wonderful, but that he was not sexy. "He is not a sensual person, and that's so important to me."

Was Bret really not sexy? If so why did Marla come to this conclusion now, after a year with Bret? Why was she putting the brakes on?
Simply put, Marla feared intimacy.

Not unique in the fear of intimacy, Marla is one of many people who desire intimacy at one level, but at a deeper level, fear it. But why? No single brushstroke paints all people who fear the thing they want most ─an intimate relationship. Unique with a multiplicity of diverse backgrounds, temperaments, and cultures, we each have our own influences. Marla is a case in point of how some people, unwittingly, avoid intimacy.

Marla's life experiences tell us that her parents did not provide her with good role models for intimate relating. Her father had extramarital affairs, and her mother suffered a multitude of psychosomatic illness. Her father, busy in his own world, was emotionally neglectful of Marla so that her mother compensated by obsessing over Marla's every emotion, thought, and intentions. Their overly close relationship, rather than solidifying Marla's growth, stifled it. Marla's joy, anxiety, or sadness was eclipsed by her mother's own intense emotions. No matter that Marla was capable of making good decisions about her education and career choices, her mother intruded herself into all her life choices. The boundary between mother and child was fused, leaving Marla suffocated and gasping for air. Intimacy then meant losing herself in the other person.

So what's a gal who wants intimacy but fears being taken over by her partner to do? Search for intimacy only to find unavailable men. When she does find love with an available man, she flees as fast as she can. That's precisely what Marla was about to do with Bret.

In therapy, Marla began to express her desires and needs only to find that I was keenly interested but, unlike her mother, I did not overreact. But of course, this was a new type of interaction felt unfamiliar to Marla and she balked at it. In no uncertain terms, she told me that I was mean and withholding, and that I abandoned her like her father did. In her frustration and despair about our separateness, she threatened to leave therapy. The choreography of intimacy was in peril.

In time, however, Marla could recognize the ghost of her mother and her father hovering and distorting our interaction. Slowly, she began to relax, gain confidence in her decisions, and enjoy her separateness. She found that involvement did not entail immersion, nor did intimate relating entail intrusion. As to her relationship with Bret it's in the works.

Marla, like so many other people fear getting what they want ─a real intimate love. Some like Marla fear losing themselves in their partners and others fear losing their partners. This fear can prevent entering into a serious relationship or it can seep into a long-term one.

Contrary to conventional thinking a long-term committed relationship that seems safe is not really. Indeed, a long term relationship with love, caring, and comfort along with lust, spontaneity, sex, and excitement ─ real intimacy ─is everything everyone wants. Yet so many long-term relationships foreclose one side of this equation ─ the romance and the passionate red hot sex─ and focus on the caring, security, and comfort.

In case you're thinking that romance and passionate sex inevitably fade over time, think again. They don't necessarily fade; it's that couples unwittingly split off the sizzle─ the excitement, the passion and the sex ─ from the steak─ the comfort and security. Why? It's safer that way. With less intimate relating, the fear of losing yourself in your partner is diminished. On the other hand, with less intimate relating, the fear of losing your partner is less frightening.

Clearly fear kills love. Yes, love is a risk. But would you rather risk getting hurt or risk not realizing the most human basic need ─love? So why not take a chance on love?

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The Sweet and Sorry Sides of Surrender

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:31:38 +0000

A loose flowing sweater topped skinny jeans to skim her lithe figure. With curves in all the right places, Alyssa's come-hither-look, surprisingly, was not working. Not on Marty anyhow.

"See how hot she looks, well it stops there. In truth, she's aloof and dismissive of me out of bed, and she's pretty much that way in bed." Marty complained.

Peering at me through a fringe of dark lashes, Alyssa pleaded, "He calls me useless, just because I stay home and take care of the kids and the house and I don't work, so how can I warm up to him?"

Marty's angular face contorted with rage as he shouted "Well you are useless. I'm struggling to keep us afloat in this terrible economy and so I asked you to co-sign a loan but you would not do it. You said you didn't trust me."

Firing back, Alyssa's voice shrilled, "You bet I don't trust you, how can I when you come home reeking of perfume at all hours of the night?"

"Maybe it's because you don't desire me sexually that I look around. Besides, you've always been cold. She's one of these frigid women." Marty's disdainful glance brought tears to Alyssa's eyes.

And indeed, Alyssa feared surrendering with Marty so that she the only way she could achieve orgasm was to surrender to herself, to masturbate. She explained that Marty was controlling and that her refusal to work or sign the loan was in service of her new found wish for independence.

Her brother's untimely death brought with it an existential crisis. She began to question the meaning of her life and her lack-luster marriage. Confrontation was not her strong suit and so when Marty dominated, Alyssa submitted. One place she could always maintain control without confrontation was in the sex act. Although she could maintain control of the dynamic she sadly lost the joy of sex. Alas, Alyssa did not feel free enough with Marty to surrender sexually with him. Fear then created a lose-lose-situation. Alyssa lost out on attaining the sublime experience of love and lust, and Marty lost out on providing it to her.

For Alyssa, like for many people it is mainly fear that holds them back from sexual surrender and from love. Indeed fear kills love. And that's because the loving sex act─ a blending of two bodies, souls, and minds ─is such that you lose yourself in your partner, only to find yourself. That means you take the risk of surrendering to achieve one of the most splendid experiences imaginable.

It's not that surrender is without risk; it is risky. Surrender entails trusting that your partner will not reject, frustrate, or ignore your needs. And you may fear the tender, vulnerable feelings arising from surrender that bind you closer to your partner. If your partner in control you are then at his or her mercy. In the case of Alyssa, she did not trust Marty.

Surrender also involves relinquishing self-control. Letting go of self-control may arouse the terror of loss of your hold on reality, disintegration, or the inability to defend yourself from dangerous external forces, such as a dismissive, angry or hostile partner. In an early toxic childhood or acrimonious adult relationships, it may have been dangerous to let your guard down. In Alyssa's case self control was a form of self-protection.

Confusion often arises between surrender and submission. In the West surrender means to cede defeat, to lay down your arms. You are then at the mercy of your enemy. In the East, however surrender means transcendence, liberation ─ to expand and free the self. When you submit to your partner you also lay down your arms, your defenses, and are at his or her mercy. When you surrender in the sex act, you transcend and free yourself.

In the case of Alyssa and Marty several issues clouded their love lives. Early childhood ghosts played out as Alyssa's domineering mother punished her for the smallest infractions. Her submissive father never could stand up for himself or for Alyssa. Submission then meant laying down her arms, her defenses, and losing her authentic self. Sure enough, Alyssa married her mother, a controlling and punitive spouse who ‘looked around.'

Marty of course had his own demons to slay before he could embark on an equal power relationship, to feel empathy for Alyssa and to ask her forgiveness.. His childhood was martyed with an abusive father who beat him and a quiet, non-existent mother, who fled the scene when Marty was a little boy. His fears of abandonment were exacerbated by Alyssa's flight from sexual satisfaction with him.

The couple is in therapy now and they are working on healing from old hurts, from new ones, and growing separately and together. In the process, Alyssa is fantasizing how she would feel when she surrenders sexually and Marty is patiently waiting for her to enact her fantasies.

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Too Little or Too Much of a Good Thing

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:41:40 +0000

The promise of loving and being loved in return is a universal wish. We all want that, yet for so many of us the promise of an enduring love escapes us. How so? Is it because we don't know how to maintain love? That we lose interest in our partners, that empathic or emotional attunement goes by the wayside? Or that the flame of desire dies?

When love is in full bloom empathy and emotional attunement ─ keys to a happy love life ─ move on a two way street. Past hurts, anger, resentment, dramatically alters this dynamic. Instead of empathy and emotional attunement moving back and forth between partners, empathy ─ the ability to step in someone else's shows ─goes awry.

In order to feel empathy and emotional attunement, you must transcend yourself to enter into someone else's inner world. If, however, you are preoccupied with healing yourself from pain, you turn inward and are unable to transcend yourself. In turn your partner feels unimportant, invisible, dismissed so that he either fights or flees. Romance and sex is on the rocks. Here then is one way that empathy and emotional attunement fail─ too little of a good thing.

Another way that empathy fails is when it becomes too much of a good thing. Remember empathy is when you transcend yourself to enter into your partner's inner world, while at the same time, you hold onto your own inner world. In the case of too much empathy, you fail to hold onto your inner world and you lose yourself in your partner. By losing yourself in your partner, you land up feeling lonely and invisible. Not only that but when you lose yourself in your partner, you lose the courage to assert yourself and get your own needs met. For example take the case of Sari and Scott.

Sari was a giver and sure enough, Scott needed a lot of giving. A successful home builder, Scott was busy building empires until the economy threatened to crumble his world. Preoccupied with making money, keeping up appearances in the country club set, and garnering favor from his wealthy friends, Scott's empathic and emotionally attuned abilities were reserved for himself. Unable to transcend himself to enter into Sari's inner world, he neglected her needs and desires.

An attractive, demur, sensitive woman, Sari's ethos─ handed down over the generations of women in her family ─ was based on being "good". That meant empathizing with her husband's dilemma, stepping into his inner world and losing her own.

Eyes downcast, Sari murmured, "It's not his fault that he ignores me, it's that his friends and his community judge each other as to their finances. So all he does is worry and talk about money. I don't care about money at all, but I can feel for him." Turns out that Sari went along with Scott's needs and desires and lost track of what she really needed and desired. Other than the children, they had nothing else in common. It's not that Sari hated Scott; it's that she felt alone and dismissed. Needless to say the flame of desire was dying.

What pulled her out of her despair was an attentive, sexy man who empathized with her inner world. Emotionally attuned to her, her lover lit her flame of desire once more. Alas, good women have a problem being bad and to Sari, infidelity was a five syllable word for a bad woman. Her shame and guilt brought her into therapy.

Sari is learning to empathize with her unmet needs in the marriage that prompted her to step out of the marriage. She is also recognizing that what she did was a daring act of will and that she could use her powers─ that have gone underground in her relationship with Scott ─to assert herself and go for what she wants from him. As she does so, the interaction is beginning to change. Scott is now more sensitive to Sari's needs and desires ─ the greatest type of foreplay─ and she is feeling more sexy. Love and lust are again on the horizon.

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The Meaning of Women's Same Sex Affairs

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:15:03 +0000

What is the effect on marriage of wives' affairs with other women? Does it mean they are unfaithful? In our current post modern times of multi-layered experience, a woman's sexual attractions are influenced by social and cultural constructions, personal history, as well as inner strivings, situational, and marital factors.

The meaning of a wife's extramarital affair with a woman is a unique experience with a private meaning that differs for each and every woman. I will explore some of these multiple meanings of married women's affairs with other women that I wrote about in my book Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for Extramarital Affairs.

The effect on marriage is manifold as a husband may feel his wife has not only betrayed him with another woman, but that she knew about her sexual longings and, in fact, has been betraying him right along. The research shows otherwise. There is evidence that a woman's sexuality is flexible, plastic, and may change over time. Childhood indicators of sexual orientation do not necessarily indicate a woman's later sexual orientation. For some women, sexual orientation may well be an emergent phenomenon, rather than an early-appearing trait.

Then there are some women have always known that they had sexual desires for other women and their marriage may be a way of trying to conform to societal constraints about same sex relationships. In that case, the woman, may have, unwittingly, used the marriage as an experiment to see if a relationship with a man could ‘cure' her of her lesbian leanings.

The state of the marriage ─ a situational factor ─ can also influence a woman's expression of her same sex desires. Women want mutual power, reciprocity, recognition, empathy, and emotional attunement in the marital relationship. If her husband fails in these area ─and a woman does ─ a woman may be surprised by her emerging sexual feelings towards her female friend.

In other cases, a husband may encourage his wife's affairs with other woman. Indeed, a husband still wields a great deal of power in his wife's choices. He may ask his wife to engage with him in swinging ─ that she engages in sex with another woman and that he watches or participates. Research indicates that although woman had no prior sexual attraction to another woman, after engaging in swinging with another woman, many continued to have sex with both men and women.

In my clinical experience, I have worked with wives whose same sex affairs gave rise to turmoil for them and for their husbands. I have read about women whose continued engagement in sexual behavior with women did not affect the marriage. I have not, however, found the last scenario ─particularly in swinging situations ─to enhance the marriage, but rather swinging only diminishes true intimacy. And that's because true intimacy is a multi-leveled experience of shared experience, respect, attraction, empathy, attunement, loyalty, lust and love. It takes most of these factors for women to achieve intimacy and satisfying sex with their partners. The open marriages of the sixties and seventies ─that symbolized the sexual and the counter culture revolution ─do not appear to work today.

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What Drives a Sex Addict?

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:49:43 +0000

No matter the quality or quantity of sex, some people remain hungry for more and more sex. It's as though they are sexually insatiable. Most often, their insatiable sexual hunger is related to deep-rooted psychological factors. Toxic early childhood relationships can influence their sexual hunger in adulthood.

Although sex addicts can be male or female, for discussion purposes, I will use the female pronouns here.

Insatiable sexual hunger is not really a desire ─an act of will─ but rather a desperate need, a compulsion that is experienced as a craving. The need is pursued like a drug. Although sex addicts are enslaved to sex, it is far from their goal. Rather, the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the sex addict experiences as unbearable. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, the sex addict relentlessly seeks satisfaction from an external source to palliate an internal pain.

One way this begins in early childhood features a needy mother─ who suffers from unbearable emotional distress. Rather than soothe the infant's distress or excessive stimulation, the mother uses the infant to soothe her. own distress. The infant then is deprived of a soothing mother to calm her distress. Without a calming and soothing mother, the infant does not develop her own internal sources for dealing with internal pain. She cannot be alone and is constantly seeking her mother.

As an adolescent or an adult, she is unable to self-soothe and can no longer find mother. So she seeks another solution in the external world to palliate her internal pain, as she did earlier with her mother. Sex is a transitory fix; it provides instant gratification for psychic pain, rather than lasting psychological coping mechanisms.

Here's a little of what goes on in the brain of sex addicts. The brain's dopamine receptors ─ the pleasure-reward system─ is activated during sex, drugs, alcohol, or gambling. In the case of sex addicts who quickly slide down into despair after the sex act, their dopamine receptors are left hungry for more sex. These primed dopamine receptor, thus, crave more sex. A craving is, thus, set up biologically and psychologically.

Fixes provide a state of ecstasy, calm, nirvana. Alas the shot of nirvana during the sex act lasts only as long as the magic of sex wears off. Result? The sex addict is rendered emptier, distressed, and fragmented. To quell these painful feelings, she is compelled to resume her pursuit for her next fix.

As you can see, the sex act is not borne out of love, but performs the function of a drug to satisfy the primed dopamine receptors. Of no consequence other than to provide the sex addict with a fix, the sex object is indispensible. Rather than desiring a sexual partner, the sex addict craves the sexual object─ her fix. She is constantly seeking to repair early deprivations and to palliate depression, anxiety, self-esteem blows.

How do sex addicts recover? Twelve step programs work for some people. For others, I recommend deep analytic therapy that focuses on visiting the past, but living in the moment, learning coping skills, finding internal satisfaction, pursuing healthy passions that fulfill the emptiness.

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The Martyr, the Madonna, and the Modern Woman

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:42:44 +0000

Was your mom a martyr─ a selfless object to her family─ who gave too much, and suffered the better part of her life? She may have denied her own needs, desires, goals, intentions. Perhaps she was a Madonna who sold out her authentic self trying to do the right thing, the socially acceptable thing. Outward appearances - delicate gesture, demure dress, and soft voice - the Madonna face of femininity. Like The Madonna, your mom may have raised a savior.

Are you unwittingly playing the role of a savior? Do you manage to find men who need to be saved from their own destructive habits? Many of us so called ‘strong' women find weak men who we try to strengthen. But trying to fix someone else is a futile rescue fantasy. The key is to gain insight into your own self so that you can fix yourself. This is a win-win game. Not only to you find your authentic self, but when you change, so will your partner.

A central issue that modern women struggle with is their Martyr and Madonna personas. They strive to embrace their femaleness and their maleness. They are women who want to have it all. By the term "have it all" I'm not necessarily referring to women who balance career with marriage and motherhood. Dream jobs, dream marriages, and dream children are unrealistic. Instead I'm referring to real, whole women who balance both sides of their personalities. They are the new modern women.

These women find a balance between their tough and tender sides, their dependent and independent sides, their mush and their might. They give and take. They know when, where, and how to say "yes" and when to say "no", to draw the line. The women who suffer and survive; the women who are mothers of children and women of the world; these are the new modern women.

The new modern woman is a lot of things. She cherishes her true femininity, her magical gift of giving life, her caring, nurturing soft side. But that is not all. True femininity includes assertive, independent, and sexually powerful sides. The new woman is flexible and autonomous, cooperative and competitive. Neither a know-it-all nor a dummy, she recognizes her strengths and her limitations. Alas, for many of us, this new woman is a goal, but not a reality as yet.

Too many women still give too much, suffer too much, live for their children, their men, and their parents. Not only do they burden themselves unduly, when things go wrong they blame themselves. Weighed down by the needs and desires of others, they suffer a silent death or explode. Shielding children from troubles makes for troubled children as does saving men from themselves. Such is the plight of the modern Martyrs.

In a desperate search for approval and love, many women don a Madonna mask. The prefect lady, the perfect mother, and the perfect hostess, they are simply too good to be true. Smiling sweetly, aggression and sexuality is split off. Nice is well and good, but too nice is noxious. Placing children on a pedestal weakens them, whereas, deference to big strong men weakens the self. Overindulged children, controlling men, Madonna's virtue has gone awry.

While the Martyr and the Madonna take separate paths, they do converge. Many a woman finds she embodies traits of both the Martyr and the Madonna. One may be more obvious than the other, but traces of either sneak up at some time or other. The fallout is thwarted relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Alas, despite feminism, history, and current knowledge many smart women live foolishly.

That is not to say all women are martyrs or Madonnas. Many manage to hold onto their femininity as they forge ahead in formerly masculine arenas. Many do not get there; they sabotage their femininity. They become pseudo masculine.

Abuse of power is not feminine, nor is it masculine. Neither are arrogant, ruthless women like Meryl Streep's character in the film The Devil Wears Prada. For some women the pendulum has swung too far. They have gone from baby dolls to ball busters.

The people-eating ball buster persona may be a reaction to society's strictures, to the fear of dependence, to the fear of being eaten up alive, to the fear abandonment. In defense against succumbing to the plight of the Martyr or Madonna, some women strike out in the opposite direction of self centeredness, ruthlessness, or over sexualized behavior. While they have turned the tables in the workplace and have become the "takers" rather than the givers, they too harbor inner demons. Contrary to outward appearances, they do not have it all.

Unlike the delicate damsel of the nineteenth century or the devil of the twenty first century, some women in today's world succeed in finding that enviable balance. While they enjoy satisfying, relationships and meaningful lives, others do not.

In many cases, the balance between feminine and masculine sides remains lopsided. Women either suffer in silence or roar in outrage, they either take the blame for everything or blame others, they either overindulge their children or discipline them cruelly, they either set no limits with aging parents or set unreasonable ones, they either give to others who never gave to them or they exploit others.

I want to encourage women to find insight into the why, what, and when they sabotage vital parts of their selves. Splitting off our maleness or our femaleness stifles our growth. We need both. I believe we can expand our selves, we can enjoy wholesome lives. We can thrive and find fulfillment.

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What women want

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:03:29 +0000

"What do women want?" Freud puzzled in the buttoned-up nineteenth century. In the 21st century we still remain unclear about what women desire and need from their partners.

For clues, let's start with our consumer culture. Despite the economic crisis, the cosmetic and plastic surgery business─ that promise beauty, youth, sexiness ─ is booming. Clearly women want to feel attractive and desirable; it boosts their self image.

Compliments ─even from the heart─ help a women feel attractive and desirable. But there's much more. At the top of the list is emotional attunement. So, if a man and women are emotionally attuned to one another, their internal states ─ wishes, desires, intentions, feelings, aspirations─ are shared experience. They are into one another. A man attuned to his women's internal life recognizes that she is feeling unattractive, even if she does not tell him. He truly understands her. That's intimacy and that's one thing that women want.

Part of feeling attractive and desirable is that women need to care for, to nurture and to devote themselves to their loved ones, similar to women in the nineteenth century. Women then and now need to express their feminine sides. But unlike nineteenth century women, modern women also want also to express their masculine sides─ autonomy, independence, and assertiveness.

In the nineteenth century men were chivalrous, and protected their wives form the vicissitudes of life. To some degree modern women still want men to open doors for them, to stand up for them, and to protect them. But they want more, they also want to open doors for themselves, to stand up for themselves, and to face the realities of life. Modern women want equal power relationships.

No longer is June Cleaver─ whose sole function was to please her husband and family─ the role model for women. She along with other fifties female role models were self- less objects to others. No longer are women there solely for their men; they want their own desires and needs to be met. That's not to say that women do not want to please their men. They do, however, they also want their men to please them. Rather than a one-way street women today want reciprocity and mutuality on a two-way street.

What about women's sexual desires then and now?

Back in Freud's time, women were painted as pillars of purity and they were flattered to be elevated in this way. A demure, delicate wife shuddered at the thought of sex. Influenced by societal dictates, women believed they were undersexed and the sex act was disgusting. By suppressing their sexual desires, they were left dependent, listless and wilting with severe distress symptoms that Freud called ‘conversion hysteria.'

The roaring twenties ─with loose clothing and loose morals─ moved women's sexuality forward. A pull back was seen in the post war culture of the fifties. Crinolines, circle skirts, and perfectly coifed pageboys hid a woman's sexuality. Along came the sixties, the pill, and feminism that spawned in a sexual revolution. Casual sex was in and the prudish fifties were out. The AIDS epidemic in the eighties ushered in an era of restraint and a pull back to women's sexuality.

In the next two decades, increasingly, women have expressed their sexuality, not like the swinging sixties, but in a new way. In our post 9/11 time, women want security and attachment along with spontaneity and red hot sex. Women want a man with passionate sex on his mind and love and tenderness in his heart. She wants him to be into her, not just sexually, but emotionally as well. Do modern women want too much? I think not.

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Sexy Women Wanted

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 17:44:34 +0000

Where have all the sexy women gone? Early in the relationship, sex was on her mind and in her body so much of the time. Remember how she desired you sexually and passionately? That was when your partner and you were madly in love. A shiny path of anticipated romance, pleasure, emotional attunement, love and lust, stretched out before the two of you.

Despite the hurtful interactions in the relationship ─the anger, the rejections, the attacks, the dismissal ─ many men can still tune out the friction and tune in to feelings of sexual desire. Alas, women are not always able to do that. Why not?

For starters, let's look at what is going on in most women's brains. Why brains? That's because the most erogenous zone in the body is the brain, not the genital areas. It is quite amazing how─ when a woman is in love and also when she is nursing her infant─ the brain triggers love enhancing chemicals such as vasopressin, oxytocin, dopamine, natural opiods to ensure bonding, attachment, and pleasure. In both cases, the woman trusts her adult partner or her infant to attune to her emotionally and physically.

Let me touch on some remarkable findings regarding empathy and attunement by looking at some infant studies. The research shows how, from the get go, infants and emotionally healthy mothers attuned to one another. On twin split screens ─ one of the mother and one of the infant ─ the pair engaged in simultaneous shared experience. Their interactions resembled a delicate seamless dance. And that is precisely what defines love in adulthood ─this shared experience of attunement, reciprocity, and trust. That's not to say loving adults engage in shared experience and trust all of the time, but certainly it is an underlying feature of love and of sex.

Alas, when a woman loses trust in her partner ─whether he betrays her with infidelity, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, and so on ─ her brain shuts down. No longer does her brain trigger the release of love enhancing chemicals or the good mood neurotransmitters Serotonin or GABA. The result is a dispirited, depressed, angry woman. The pain lodges deep inside the brain and she is hardly in the mood for love, let alone sex. Actually, her brain is now helping her take security measures to protect herself so she won't get hurt again.

The trauma recruits the amygdala (the seat of the emotions in the brain) where the trauma response of fight or flight is generated. Reminders of the old pain sensitize the amygdala further so that any fresh hurt has a resounding fearful response. The woman either fights or she flees. So what's a guy who may have hurt his woman to do?

Here's the thing. When a man hurts a woman and offers a swift apology, he is in trouble. The first step, and it is not an easy or painless one, is to really and truly experience guilt. When I say guilt, I don't mean guilty feelings, but profound, deep remorse. To get into the experience, try empathizing with your partner ─ putting yourself in her shoes. Can you feel her pain? It is excruciatingly difficult to experience guilt, but it is a must if you are to save the relationship.

When you are truly immersed in the painful experience of guilt, you will not blame her. That does not mean she did not provoke you into the action or inaction. What it means is that you take responsibility for your part in the interaction, show your remorse. I would suggest you reach into your authentic feelings and express them. If you are truly remorseful, chances are that you won't be prone to repeat the hurtful actions. Lo and behold she will respond more warmly. It takes two to tango, two to hurt one another, and two to heal one another.

The second step is to repair the damage. In order to heal from trauma ─ to dislodge the pain from the brain─ fresh positive experience must enter the relationship. You and only you, knows just what pleases your partner and just what new positive experience would bring her closer.

Here are some baby steps to bring love and lust back.

Think of the times when you first met. What did you do back then? Let your memory cameras roll back in time. It may have been something as simple as talking together for hours, when there was a meeting of minds. It may have a favorite song that symbolized your early love. It may have been a full moon and a walk along the beach, or a first date in a special restaurant. Whatever it was that brought you together and led to passionate sex, go for it now. Let emotional attunement, empathy, reciprocity, mutuality and trust lead the way back to love and red hot sex.

Over a century ago, Freud asked the proverbial question ‘What do women want?' The answer is simple, to be cherished, to hear the words "Je t'adore" uttered from a deep place within.

Email: drpraver@cs.com

Web : www.drfranpraver.com

Sexy Men Wanted

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:16:18 +0000

Where have all the sexy men gone? Are women in serious relationships sexually starved? Remember when men wanted sex from their partners, only to be rejected by them? When women feigned headaches, fatigue, or were just not in the mood for sex? That was then and this is now.

Currently, too many women in my practice complain that ─a few years into the marriage, after becoming a mother ─ men are rejecting them sexually. The excuses of headaches, fatigue, overwork, the terrible economy, or just not in the mood for sex are now those of men. Have the tables turned and why?

Let me take you back to the 19th century, the Victorian era of buttoned- up chaste wives, and buttoned- down bawdy prostitutes, the era of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy. Married women ─ depicted as vulnerable and virtuous ─looked up to their godlike men who protected them from the vulgarities of real life. Men in turn held their wives up as pillars of purity. As to women, they were flattered by this elevation of their status.

Sound like a nifty arrangement? Not exactly. The results were disastrous.

Painted as the ‘Angel of the House', wives tolerated sex strictly to please their husband and to procreate only to adopt the role of the virginal mother, the Madonna. Having sex with the gentle, pure ‘Angel of the House ‘was not exactly exciting. So what's a sexually active man looking for exciting sex to do? He did not have to look any farther than his society ─the society that gave married men license to engage freely in sexual promiscuity.

The result? Rampant prostitution, venereal disease, and younger and younger girl prostitutes ─ presumed to be free of disease.

Now that we've had a peek at the society that sprouted the Madonna/Whore dichotomy, let's fast forward to today's modern 21st century social mores. Are men still searching for love at home and seeking sex elsewhere? Do men still hold their wives up as virtuous and vulnerable and do women like this designation? Do women not truly enjoy sex and do it strictly to please their husbands and to procreate? The answer to all of these questions is an emphatic ‘no'─ not on a conscious level anyhow.

Let's, then, dig a little deeper into the unconscious of sexually starved women and their rejecting partners. Partners met, fell madly in love, and made love passionately and frequently. That was when a man truly desired sex with his partner, when he could not get enough of her.

Here's how the story went. Boy met girl, hung out, hooked up, lived together, married, and together looked out over a shiny path of love and lust stretching out before them ─ all of this before children. The gal in this scenario reeked of sexiness, spontaneity, excitement and lavished her attention on her man. In an unconscious sense, she was his whore and he was her powerful lover.

Along came baby and there was three instead of two. The dynamic of intimacy, of love and lust took a dive. How?

The man's sex partner is now the mother of an infant─ a devoted mother with pure intentions to bond with her baby. It's not a far cry to theorize the unconscious workings of the man in this dynamic ─ the loss of his imaginary Whore has been replaced by the imaginary Madonna.

Unlike the 19th century ‘Angel of the House' modern day women desire sex, for sex's sake and not only to please their men or to procreate. Yet, they are not feeling sexually fulfilled. Part of the problematic dynamic may lie in the new mother's engrossed attention with her infant and not with her partner. Pleasurable outings, romance, and sex are no longer spontaneous, but are planned around children's schedules. The Whore has gone forever, and the virtuous Madonna is here to stay.

Here's a peek at the case of Kristen and Marty.
Shapley legged, voluptuous, and verbose Kristen ─ after fifteen years of marriage and three children later ─ still turned men's heads. Except for her hubby, Marty, a well built man of few words and even fewer actions.

"He's always falling asleep after dinner, or he's watching sports on TV. He doesn't lift a finger to fix anything in the house or out of the house, not like my father. When there was a problem with the plumbing or electricity, my dad always fixed it. Marty doesn't do anything." Contorting her face in pain, Kristen's complaints went on and on.

Succinctly, Marty responded with "I do so. I work hard so you don't have to face the hardships of the workplace. And I'm not your father."

"You bet you're not. My dad was romantic and adored my mother. You don't show me any romance, and you don't want sex with me. I keep asking you to make love to me, and you keep telling me you're too tired, too worried about your job, and that you're not comfortable having sex with me because the kids are not asleep. Why can't we just close the door? " Crestfallen, Kristen pleaded her heart rending case.

And true to form, Marty tersely responded "I'm not comfortable having sex with them in the next room."

I intervened by asking about their feelings in this relationship. Kristen felt dispirited, undesirable, and humiliated that she had to ask Marty to make love with her repeatedly and that he kept rejecting her sexual advances. In her frustration, she picked on everything Marty did or didn't do. He in turn, felt inadequate, that he could not please Kristen, and that she was a nag. She retorted that he was so passive that she had to nag. They were at an impasse.

We took a detour and examined the evolution and eventual devolution of the relationship. After a vigorous courtship and lovely wedding ─ a time full of love, sex, fun, communication, empathy, and emotional attunement ─ the first baby was born. Almost overnight, love soured and sex took a hike. Kristen turned her undying devotion from her husband to the infant. The transformation of his lusty wife to a Madonna figure saved him from the narcissistic blow of taking second place to his child. Marty preserved his self esteem but lost his desire for sex with his newly designated Madonna wife.

Sexually deprived and emotionally devastated, Kristen turned even more attention to her infant. The satisfaction she derived from her baby, who wanted and needed her, almost compensated for what she lacked from her inattentive husband. The more Marty rejected her, the more Kristen found satisfaction in her pure state of motherhood.

They are now in therapy to change the dynamics of their relationship. We are working on how to heal, how to repair the split between love and lust, and how to enjoy the co-existence of the Madonna and the Whore.

As you can see in this brief vignette, each time a man rejects his woman sexually her self esteem drops a rung lower on the ladder to despair. Each time she complains, nags, and wants more of him, he feels less and less adequate and less sexy. They are stuck in a no-win interaction. Communication, empathy, and emotional attunement break down. The split between love and lust squeezes the life out of the marriage.

Solution?

1. Recognize the split between love and lust, the Madonna/whore dichotomy playing out in the relationship.

2. Take steps to bring love and lust back. That could mean accepting that children may cramp you style, but that you can still engage in romantic times together. Hiring a baby sitter would be a positive move.

3. Let your memory cameras roll back to the time when love and lust were connected, the time you talked for hours, the time empathy and emotion attunement made for red hot sex.

4. Imagine these times─ before the hurts, the rejections, the attacks, the despair ─when hope and love was in full bloom.

5. Implement some of these early interactions of emotional attunement, empathy for one another, and allow the fantasy of the Madonna Whore to coexist. Indeed, women can be both a Madonna and a Whore; and her lucky partner can enjoy the two facets of femininity in the same woman.

Email: drpraver@cs.com

Web : www.drfranpraver.com

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Remarraige on the Rocks

Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D. — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:03:40 +0000

Recent studies point to the substantial benefits of spousal support in coping with cancer. A loving spouse at your side, it seems, improves your immune system ─ no doubt enhancing overall good health. But of course, we don’t all have loving spouses; 40% of marriages end in divorce. So what’s a divorced gal or guy to do? Remarriage is one answer. The second time around, however, is not always so sunny. Indeed, real intimacy ─love, lust, emotional attunement, empathy ─all that we strive for and expect in a remarriage often fails to be realized, ending in yet another divorce.

One of my favorite quips by Rita Rudner goes like this:

When I meet a man, I ask myself, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’

Here, then, is a complex yet all too common issue that prevents intimacy in remarriages.

A central stumbling block in maintaining true intimacy in remarriage is the attachment bond to a former spouse. For many of us, separation and loss ─ the lifelong struggle from womb to tomb ─is met with emotional turmoil. Separation, thus, from a former spouse, an intimate partner, ─particularly if this separation falls on an earlier traumatic loss ─ is near impossible.

The culprit? The brain that locks into old emotional pain incurred by separation or loss is this very culprit. The amygdala ─the seat of the emotions ─ becomes sensitized to the trauma of separation; it is primed to react with fear, anxiety, sadness, and distress when faced with a new separation. So you can see how trying this transition is for many people. Unfortunately, the old tie, no matter how hostile or loving, creates a wedge in the remarried couple. And as often as not, intimacy is dangerous ─signaling potential abandonment, traumatic loss, and pain. The wedge acts to ensure against real intimacy.

Let’s take a peek at the case of Hannah and Jorge that I wrote about in Daring Wives: Insight into Women’s Desires for Extramarital Affairs.

The second time around for Hannah and Jorge was fraught with conflict that centered on the attachment to former spouses. Jorge had been happily married to his first wife, but he lost her to a cancer. He stood by her to the bitter end, tending to her with undying devotion so that she lived five years beyond the doctor’s expectations. He maintained the memories of a stable love that helped him to mourn her and to move on. Nevertheless, the ghost of his late wife haunted the remarriage with Hannah.

Unlike Jorge’s first wife whose emotions were always under control, Hannah’s emotions were not. She cried easily, laughed heartily, yelled loudly, and made love with passionate ardor. You would think Jorge struck it lucky, but his attachment to his late wife got in the way. He kept comparing Hannah unfavorably to his saint-like late wife Marissa, creating a wedge in the remarriage that prevented intimacy.

As to Hannah, here is where loss and abandonment played havoc in the remarriage. Her combustible marriage to her former spouse, Ben, was replete with cycles of passionate fighting, making up, and making out. Despite their fierce fighting, their fiery lovemaking made the frictional marriage worth hanging onto for twelve years ─ until the last fight. No amount of red hot sex could repair the damage wrought. In an adrenaline fit of rage, Hannah wrenched Ben’s computer from its connections and smashed it against the wall. “You’ve shattered my entire life” Ben yelled. He filed for divorce the very next day.

Despite the hostile proceedings, Hannah and Ben enjoyed an occasional torrid tryst that continued into the remarriage with Jorge. Marital vows and resolve are two different things. Alas resolve was not one of Hannah’s strong points, particularly, when it came to overcoming losses. And her unresolved losses were considerable.

When Hanna was three, she suffered a traumatic loss; her mother died suddenly in a car crash. Her father sunk into a deep depression ─and in order to protect her from his grief ─ he sent little Hannah off to her grandparents. Her well meaning grandparents did everything to distract her─ everything but help her mourn. Alone in her horrific hell of loneliness, fear, and sadness, Hannah’s brain registered the loss that became entrenched in her neural pathways. The specter of abandonment met with terror and she suffered from separation issues her entire adult life.

With Hannah’s history of attachment, traumatic loss, and a sensitized amygdala, a loving relationship with passionate sex, comfort, security, and stability was far too dangerous. If she became intimately attached to Jorge, the red flag of loss and abandonment waved its warning high in her skies. Solution? Unconsciously, Hannah adopted a security measure and kept a distance in the remarriage. She did not have to go very far to maintain her distance ─not any further than her former husband Ben.

The good news is that the brain is plastic and we can unlock the brain from repeating painful interactions. Once the couple recognized why they constructed blocks to intimacy in the remarriage, they were able to join hands in repairing the rift, and on healing one another from old hurts, and on not so old hurts.

As to the effects of their journey ─from rift to repair ─on their health, it augers well. Hannah who finally separated from Ben is allowing herself to fall madly in love with Jorge, and he in turn is no longer comparing her to his late wife. Brain chemicals ─ vasopressin, oxytocin, dopamine, testosterone, serotonin and GABA are enhancing their loving feelings and their health. In their fifties─ at midlife ─ they feel more confident about facing any future illness with the support of one another.

Frances Cohen Praver, PhD

Clinical Psychologist, Relational Psychoanalyst, and author of
Daring Wives: Insight into Women’s Desires for Extramarital Affairs (Praeger, 2006) and Crossroads at Midlife: Your Aging Parents, Your Emotions, and Your Self (Praeger, 2002)

A new book about love and the brain is in the works.