"I miss you." Ken said.
Kay remarked quickly, "I'm here."
"Not exactly," Ken frowned.
Looking perplexed Kay said, "What do you mean by that? I'm devoted to you, I care about you, and I love you."
"And I you; but I'm missing our sex life. It's been three years since we made love." Ken's tone of voice registered his frustration.
"And it's been three years ago that you cheated on me." Kay's face was taught.
With pleading eyes, Ken said, "I told you over and over, that she meant nothing to me; that you mean everything to me."
Tears welling up, Kay asked, "So why'd you do it? What did she have that I don't?"
"She had nothing. I drank too much at the office party and she came on to me." Ken tried to explain it away.
"How hot was she anyway?" Kay asked.
Ken continued to plead, "She wasn't hot at all. I was drunk."
Anger waived away her tears as Kay's face reddened, "That you were drunk is no excuse. I want to know just what she did to you and what you did to her."
"You've grilled me so many times and I went over every detail. Can't you forget it?" Ken said.
How do I know you won't do it again?" Kay continued her relentless questions.
Eyes lowered, Ken said softly, "I feel terrible about what I did and I'd never do it again. Please forgive me. I'll do anything to make it up to you."
Sobbing Kay's voice trembled, "I wish I knew how to forgive you, but I can't let go of it. What you did with that woman keeps going over and over in my head."
And indeed, Kay's traumatized brain had not healed as yet. The pain had been lodged into her brain and each time she revisited the adulterous act in her mind, it became more entrenched in her brain. The more she obsessed, the less serotonin and GABA her brain triggered. Let me explain the importance of these two neurotransmitters. Serotonin lifts depression and cuts though the obsessional loop, whereas GABA reduces anxiety. With a shortage of both, Kay was in trouble and so was Ken.
At an unconscious level, Kay was not only punishing herself, but she was punishing Ken and so it was double trouble. Not only was she depressed and miserable, but the more she blamed Ken, the less he took responsibility for what he did; the more she punished him, the less he had to punish himself. And punish himself was, indeed, what he needed to do in order for him to experience deep pangs of guilt. Without Ken experiencing these deep feelings of guilt, Kay could not trust his pleas for forgiveness.
The key then was to work on ways to heal Kay's traumatized brain and then to practice the steps to forgiveness. In therapy we addressed ways to heal her sensitized amygdala ─the seat of emotions that houses the fight or flight response. Any remote reminder of the affair, such as a TV show of a couple kissing, sounded her amydala's alarm. At times Kay fought bitterly with Ken, and at other times she withdrew and fled from any affection or sexual desire.
With matching mirror neurons, Kate and Ken, learned about the neural networks that connect empathy and forgiveness. To Kay's surprise, if she wanted to forgive Ken, she would have to empathize with him. Put yourself in Kay's shoes emotionally. Then imagine, despite your partner's lack of empathy, you must take the high road and find it in your heart and brain to empathize with him or her. If this seems near impossible; it is not. Forgiving and infidelity is possible, and with hard work it is probable.
In my new book, I outline the steps to forgiveness, and to getting the relationship back on track. The name of my book is The New Science of Love: How Understanding the Brain's Wiring Can Help Rekindle Your Relationship (Sourcebooks, Casablanca, 2011) on preorder at Amazon. In this primer on love, you will learn about the power of mirror neurons on your love life, how love comes, goes, and how you can bring it back.
Email: drpraver@cs.com
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