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"I don't want realism, I want magic." These are the immortal words of Blanche Dubious, the heroine of Tennessee William's Streetcar Named Desire. She lived between reality and fantasy as her sexual desire collided with her faded Southern gentility. That she needed fantasy to cope with her sordid past resonates with us more than fifty years later.
There is a lot to be said about the role of magic, illusion, fantasy in our modern high tech world. Without magic and illusion, we could not extricate ourselves from the reality of our war-torn world, man's inhumanity to man, Japan's triple crises of natural catastrophes and man-made high tech ones. Indeed it is this very magic, this fantasy that saves us from sinking into devastation and despair. And that's because our brains house multiple states so that we can exist in the dialectic between reality and fantasy, truth and illusion, the commonplace and enchantment, despair and hope.
What about the magic of love? How much is real and how much is fantasy, illusion, or hope? Brain research reveals a cascade of brain chemicals ─ oxytocin, vasopressin, testosterone, noripinephrine, natural opiods that resemble the effect of morphine and nitric oxide, along with serotonin and GABA ─ that bathes lovers and points to the reality of love. But it is the magic of love ─ that ineffable emotional experience of mind, body, soul, fantasy, reality ─ that prompts the creation of these brain chemicals.
The experience of love begins early in life. A quick look at the research tells us that we are born to bond, wired for love. An infant fantasizes the mother's breast (or bottle substitute). In the case of optimal mothering, the milk instantly "comes down" (her breast fills up with milk) which can be uncomfortable. Like magic nature makes sure the hungry infant quickly nurses the breast. With infant and mother both satisfied, the intricate dance between reality and fantasy begins. Not only that, but it is precisely during early childhood that the neural pathways that influence our adult love lives are laid down.
That means that the early interaction of infant and mother has lasting effects. In the case of healthy mothers, when the infant coos the mother coos back, when the infant gazes, the mother gazes back, when the infant fusses, the mother comforts, when the infant cries the mother soothes. The template of a loving caring interaction has been set. Here again, the research shows a correlation between the neural basis of maternal and romantic look.
As an adult, this unconscious world of connectedness through love and security buoys us in the face of the insecurity and cruelty of the reality of the outside world.
Of course, not all mothers are so well attuned to their infants; they may be depressed, anxious, traumatized, or otherwise preoccupied. In these cases, the interaction is less than optimal and can influence the adult's love life in less than sanguine ways. The brain, however, is malleable and can change itself and so even here, with help and therapy, if you want to change your interactions, you can change your brains.
For the sake of brevity of discussion let us look at the love lives of adults with early optimal interactions. Those fortunate people will no doubt have the illusion and fantasize a dream partner. Sure enough when love walks in the door they will be emotionally open and available. Once again, those people with early childhoods that were emotionally depriving can, with hard work, change the outcome of their adult love lives.
In any case, magic, illusion, and our ‘dream partner' are coiled into our common experiences. Just listen to some of our aphorisms: We "fall madly in love, head over heels," or we are "floating on cloud nine." The haunting lyrics of a lamenting lover "You call it madness, but I call it love" sung by Nat King Cole rings true even today when love goes south.
And we well know that 40% or more of marriages that began with love ended up in divorce. In many cases, love or caring endured, but lust, erotic sexual desire, and romance has faded. Fantasy and illusion along with the thrill of love has sadly turned to dreary dead end fights, resentments, anger, withdrawal or neglect. When that happens, the traumatized brain delivers the harsh message that we can never love again. That of course is the dark side of illusion.
But there is a bright side to love lost; that's because our brains are plastic and so they can heal. Examining the past by recognition of your role in the problematic relationship will pave the way for a new style of relating.
It takes positive new attitudes and experience to help the brain and mind to heal. That means insight, knowing who you are, and what you want. When love comes into your life, you will be emotionally available to create a reciprocal mutually loving relationship.
Is that all there is? Not quite. In order to find and recognize the magic of love ─ a rich full experience of trust and security along with the surrender to erotic sexual desire ─ you will need your dreams, fantasies, and illusions to come along for the ride.
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