When one partner dictates the terms of the relationship and the other follows, when one partner controls the others thoughts, feelings, opinions, friends, and activities and the other capitulates, that's an unequal power relationship. In this relationship, the submissive partner ─ typically the woman ─ forgoes her own needs, desires, wishes, goals, intentions, and caves in. Of course, unequal power relationships can go the other way too with the woman as the controlling partner and the man as the submissive one.
Contrary to popular belief, the controlling partner is not the strong one, nor is the submissive partner the weak one. The irony is that in this unequal power relationship, they are equally weak. Their weaknesses ─ whether born of unresolved childhood issues, intergenerational transmission of delicate dependent women and powerful independent men, societal and media messages ─ inevitably turn around the unconscious fear of abandonment.
Here's how it plays out at an unconscious level. Both partners fear that they will be alone. The controlling partner thinks that if he controls her, she will be just like him and he will feel safe. In turn, the submissive partner thinks that if she does not please him by caving in to his dictates he will leave her.
Now let's look at the reality of what happens in this lopsided relationship. The controlling partner swallows up his partner so that she no longer exists. And of course, he is alone. As to the submissive partner, she has lost herself inside of him and she no longer exists as a separate entity. As such neither partner has someone to bounce ideas off, to share thoughts that differ, or to discuss diverse opinions, events, or feelings. Singing in the shower with no one to hear you is a lonely place. Without a separate partner to hear you, you are all alone. Yet, these unequal relationships are alive and well.
Meet Brenda a broken woman, who is simply trying to please her man.
"I feel so lonely in this relationship. It's not that Mike is gone a lot. Actually, he works out of the house so he's always there. It doesn't make sense." Eyes downcast, she spoke softly.
I inquired with "Why then do you feel lonely?"
Pondering the question, Brenda looked perplexed, "I can't really put a finger on it. But that's not the only problem. When I met Mike I was a young, hot divorced woman struggling to make ends meet. He was a successful business man, educated, cultured, and I looked up to him. I owe him a lot, as he did so much for me. But the other side of it is that he does nothing but criticize me."
"What does he criticize you for?" I asked.
A swift answer shot out. "Well he's very social and I'm a homebody but I go along with him. He's angry with me because I'm not good at small talk at these parties of his. So even though it goes against my grain, I took a course on socializing. There are other things I do to please him that go against my grain."
The warning bell of dependence rung as I asked, "Like what?"
And ring it she did. "He doesn't like my friends so I gave them up. I had a personal trainer, but he made me give him up. It wasn't about money, more like jealousy. He insists that I go to all of his functions that are boring to me, but I go. He has good taste and so he picks my clothes, my make-up, and even my hair color."
My heart went out to her. "How does all of this feel?"
"At first it felt good, that I had this powerful man protecting me, providing financially for me, and I felt safe. I never had to worry about money or how to look or act. I could depend on him. Now I feel depressed, inadequate and most of all lonely." Broken Brenda sobbed as her lean body caved in.
In therapy Brenda gained insight into her dilemma of dependency and her unequal power relationship of control and submission. A look at her childhood reveals an anxious fearful mother who hovered over young Brenda, overprotected her, over indulged her, and controlled all of her comings and goings. It turns out that too much mothering can be just as toxic as too little mothering. The message Brenda got was that she was inadequate to care for herself and needed a man who would. Unlike her father who abandoned her mother and her when she was young, she hoped Mike would stay with her. To make certain that he would never leave her, she turned herself inside out to please him and lost her own authentic self in the process.
Brenda is learning to find her own voice and attend to her own needs, desires, friends, activities. She is gaining self respect and has gone back to work. When Mike refused to join her in couples' therapy as there was "nothing wrong with me, you've got the problem", she decided to make some serious changes in her self and in the relationship. Feeling more empowered, Brenda is now considering a divorce. The potential for freedom from this enslavement of her relationship is inviting and utterly exciting.
If aspects of Brenda's problematic relationship resonate with you it is time to make changes. The key to real intimacy with empathy and emotional attunement lies in mutuality, reciprocity. Intimacy takes two separate, but equal partners, to interact in an equal power relationship.
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