Love Doc

It has always seemed to me, if a man cheats its the mans fault, and if a woman cheats.....its the mans fault. It seems that when a woman cheats there is some marrital justification, but a man is basically a dog. I want to see this movie to see if the woman becomes the heroine, because if it was a man he would be the villian. Fascinating.

It would certainly be interesting to see how Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, Dr. Mark Goulston, Dr. John Buri, etc. would weigh in on this with their thoughts. And the point that Dee makes above has also occurred to me as well.

Just like the movie "it's Complicated' is a 50 something's scorned woman's fantasy, this storyline is also just that. This character is also a fantasy and is such an 'outlier personality,' that I hardly believe it is anywhere close to a norm. Also, a situation like this would take more money than some woman grinding out a 40 day work week. So this arrangement would be more for the 'idle rich' and not for the mainstream woman who has to work, clean, cook, do her laundry, shop and all the other thing.

So as a woman, the idea of 2 men on the surface seems like A LOT of fun...in theory but in reality...this situation hardly happens.

Now...switch genders...and it all seems par for the course again. So who's fantasy scenario is this really?

I believe humans can love more than one person at the same time romantically (if not all humans at least many humans) so ultimately it comes down to making a choice, even if the choices are equal, and sticking to it. The other aspect is practical, one person is usually as much as we can handle.

I agree with Dee, if a woman cheats something went wrong in the marriage, but if a man cheats he's a pig. Something isn't right there. I don't believe at all that you can love two people at the same time. The person is either confused or mistaking infactuation with love. People can barely keep a relationship with one person, hence why the divorce rate is high. 2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce. If people don't know how to love one person how can they love two at the same time. We need to stop watching these movies and assume that we can do the same thing. They're just movies, made up, it's not real. I haven't seen "The Other Man" or "It's Complicated", but most movies that have these love triangles in them seem to always have a good ending. In reality, love triangles are pretty dangerous.

I have responded to the above, and as you will see, I use this movie as an exploration into unconscious motivations, not as exemplary behavior. After all, the Sopranos was a highly viewed show and it showed reprensible behavior.

Thanks for responding Dr. Praver. Thanks for clearing up your intent, in that you are using the article as a exploration of subconscious motivations. You say that the majority of the women you see cheat because the are unhappy in their marriage. This does not seem to apply with this woman. Maybe this woman is simply an immoral human being who wanted some sex on the side with a hottie before she died! (I kind of think that is what Tony Saprano would do!). While it is off topic, it certainly does seem interesting that this movie romanticizes adultery for the woman. Oh and this is on my NETFLIX list, hope to get it next week.

Hi

I did not get the impression that the movie romanticized female infidelity as the "heroine" died, suggesting a punitive approach.

I have not seen the movie yet but if every man that cheated died of cancer as a punishment, I bet they would be an endangered species. I am not condoning cheating, but dying from cancer might be a circumstance that changed her behavior. I have cancer and I don't think it is a punishment for anything I have done in my life.

I refer to punishment as a metaphor for the super ego, or unconsious guilt.

The original question was can you love two men at the same time. I believe you can, but you don't act on it. We love many people in our lives, so I believe feelings about others are there, but when marriage vows mean something, you don't act upon those feelings. It is such a complicated question when morals and guilt are added to the equation. I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if she knew she had cancer first or if she was into the affair first. In our society, it will always be viewed as wrong. But I can understand, if she knew she was dying, to reach out to someone that she truly cared about before her life ended.

As a psychoanalyst, I try to understand people, in an open non-judgmental way. I can see your struggle with the morality issue but also your attempt to be open minded. Good going

Sorry to be late to the party, but this post (which is fantastic) reminded me of the movie "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane, Richard Gere, and a similar premise: a woman with an apparently perfect marriage nonetheless cheats. I wonder if Dr. Praver would like to comment on this movie?

Never to late to say kind words. Up till recently, the other women was commonplace. It was fine for men to put hormones ahead of honor, but as of late, women are doing more of the same. Not that I condone it, butI try to place it in perspective and try to understand it.

Well,very late to this thread indeed, but for what it is worth, my wife and I had a fairy tale marriage, but she began to act suspiciously, and by going through her email, I found out she was having an affair while telling me that I was everything she could ever possibly want. We were proverbial soulmates, and no two people could have been closer.

Afer much therapy, it came to the surface that my wife had deep insecurities from childhood, a possible reason noted above. It turns out that years before I met her she had three affairs. There are numerous reasons why men or women behave this way, so the movie didn't puzzle me at all.

But there is another reason that no one has mentioned, and this is what I took from the movie: for too many people, this behavior has become acceptable, a cultural norm for even older couples in the age of the hook-up. We turn off our consciences and let our moral compasses swing wildly at a time when we are inundated by promiscuity on television drama and sitcoms, as well as in real life, from Spitzer to Woods. It is glorified in a hundred different ways, and many have stopped questioning this kind of behavior.

In therapy at one point, my wife said that I had an outdated sense of morality. Ironically, she is insanely jealous of any female friend I have on Facebook. I wonder if what Linney's character would have thought of Neeson's if the roles had been reversed.

This was a great movie, and I feel it exposes a raw cultural nerve. Linney's behavior is not at all inexplicable when we put her affair in a modern social context. People cheat because they can get away with it.

I am the "other man" for a wonderful woman whom I'm deeply in love with. We've known each other for 8 years and have been romantically involved for well over a year. Do I expect her to change her current situation? No, I place no expectations on her. I know that she loves her husband as well as me and has to figure that out for herself. As for me, I'm extremely happy with my life and our relationship, if I weren't then I wouldn't continue with it.

I can easily identify with the major characters in this movie as I understand the motivations of them due to the personal relevance so I don't view the plot as far-fetched or unrealistic.

For the "this is not possible except for the idle rich" people, you are wrong. I work 80 hours a week, she works about 50 hours a week. While we both earn above-average incomes, we can hardly be considered "rich." We find ourselves together when time allows, we talk each day on our ways to and from work, eat lunch together when we can (or sometimes we meet at my place) and stay together the rare times in which conditions permit.

In case you wondered, I watched this movie alone. She told me about it after watching it one evening and said it was a "must see."

When I read your post, I thought of you, at 11pm, googling "The Other Man" and stopping in on this discussion. It must have hit a nerve.

It does happen. The way you describe your relationship is the way I would think a loving man would describe it-- just loving her accepting of the situation.

I believe it IS possible to be in love with more than one person. Why not? People like different friends for different reasons. It's hard for me to believe that ONE person can fill every need for a spouse.

You may well be right, but many couples still practice monogamy. Viva la differance.