The Sweet and Sorry Sides of Surrender

A loose flowing sweater topped skinny jeans to skim her lithe figure. With curves in all the right places, Alyssa's come-hither-look, surprisingly, was not working. Not on Marty anyhow.

"See how hot she looks, well it stops there. In truth, she's aloof and dismissive of me out of bed, and she's pretty much that way in bed." Marty complained.

Peering at me through a fringe of dark lashes, Alyssa pleaded, "He calls me useless, just because I stay home and take care of the kids and the house and I don't work, so how can I warm up to him?"

Marty's angular face contorted with rage as he shouted "Well you are useless. I'm struggling to keep us afloat in this terrible economy and so I asked you to co-sign a loan but you would not do it. You said you didn't trust me."

Firing back, Alyssa's voice shrilled, "You bet I don't trust you, how can I when you come home reeking of perfume at all hours of the night?"

"Maybe it's because you don't desire me sexually that I look around. Besides, you've always been cold. She's one of these frigid women." Marty's disdainful glance brought tears to Alyssa's eyes.

And indeed, Alyssa feared surrendering with Marty so that she the only way she could achieve orgasm was to surrender to herself, to masturbate. She explained that Marty was controlling and that her refusal to work or sign the loan was in service of her new found wish for independence.

Her brother's untimely death brought with it an existential crisis. She began to question the meaning of her life and her lack-luster marriage. Confrontation was not her strong suit and so when Marty dominated, Alyssa submitted. One place she could always maintain control without confrontation was in the sex act. Although she could maintain control of the dynamic she sadly lost the joy of sex. Alas, Alyssa did not feel free enough with Marty to surrender sexually with him. Fear then created a lose-lose-situation. Alyssa lost out on attaining the sublime experience of love and lust, and Marty lost out on providing it to her.

For Alyssa, like for many people it is mainly fear that holds them back from sexual surrender and from love. Indeed fear kills love. And that's because the loving sex act─ a blending of two bodies, souls, and minds ─is such that you lose yourself in your partner, only to find yourself. That means you take the risk of surrendering to achieve one of the most splendid experiences imaginable.

It's not that surrender is without risk; it is risky. Surrender entails trusting that your partner will not reject, frustrate, or ignore your needs. And you may fear the tender, vulnerable feelings arising from surrender that bind you closer to your partner. If your partner in control you are then at his or her mercy. In the case of Alyssa, she did not trust Marty.

Surrender also involves relinquishing self-control. Letting go of self-control may arouse the terror of loss of your hold on reality, disintegration, or the inability to defend yourself from dangerous external forces, such as a dismissive, angry or hostile partner. In an early toxic childhood or acrimonious adult relationships, it may have been dangerous to let your guard down. In Alyssa's case self control was a form of self-protection.

Confusion often arises between surrender and submission. In the West surrender means to cede defeat, to lay down your arms. You are then at the mercy of your enemy. In the East, however surrender means transcendence, liberation ─ to expand and free the self. When you submit to your partner you also lay down your arms, your defenses, and are at his or her mercy. When you surrender in the sex act, you transcend and free yourself.

In the case of Alyssa and Marty several issues clouded their love lives. Early childhood ghosts played out as Alyssa's domineering mother punished her for the smallest infractions. Her submissive father never could stand up for himself or for Alyssa. Submission then meant laying down her arms, her defenses, and losing her authentic self. Sure enough, Alyssa married her mother, a controlling and punitive spouse who ‘looked around.'

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Marty of course had his own demons to slay before he could embark on an equal power relationship, to feel empathy for Alyssa and to ask her forgiveness.. His childhood was martyed with an abusive father who beat him and a quiet, non-existent mother, who fled the scene when Marty was a little boy. His fears of abandonment were exacerbated by Alyssa's flight from sexual satisfaction with him.

The couple is in therapy now and they are working on healing from old hurts, from new ones, and growing separately and together. In the process, Alyssa is fantasizing how she would feel when she surrenders sexually and Marty is patiently waiting for her to enact her fantasies.

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