Was your mom a martyr─ a selfless object to her family─ who gave too much, and suffered the better part of her life? She may have denied her own needs, desires, goals, intentions. Perhaps she was a Madonna who sold out her authentic self trying to do the right thing, the socially acceptable thing. Outward appearances - delicate gesture, demure dress, and soft voice - the Madonna face of femininity. Like The Madonna, your mom may have raised a savior.
Are you unwittingly playing the role of a savior? Do you manage to find men who need to be saved from their own destructive habits? Many of us so called ‘strong' women find weak men who we try to strengthen. But trying to fix someone else is a futile rescue fantasy. The key is to gain insight into your own self so that you can fix yourself. This is a win-win game. Not only to you find your authentic self, but when you change, so will your partner.
A central issue that modern women struggle with is their Martyr and Madonna personas. They strive to embrace their femaleness and their maleness. They are women who want to have it all. By the term "have it all" I'm not necessarily referring to women who balance career with marriage and motherhood. Dream jobs, dream marriages, and dream children are unrealistic. Instead I'm referring to real, whole women who balance both sides of their personalities. They are the new modern women.
These women find a balance between their tough and tender sides, their dependent and independent sides, their mush and their might. They give and take. They know when, where, and how to say "yes" and when to say "no", to draw the line. The women who suffer and survive; the women who are mothers of children and women of the world; these are the new modern women.
The new modern woman is a lot of things. She cherishes her true femininity, her magical gift of giving life, her caring, nurturing soft side. But that is not all. True femininity includes assertive, independent, and sexually powerful sides. The new woman is flexible and autonomous, cooperative and competitive. Neither a know-it-all nor a dummy, she recognizes her strengths and her limitations. Alas, for many of us, this new woman is a goal, but not a reality as yet.
Too many women still give too much, suffer too much, live for their children, their men, and their parents. Not only do they burden themselves unduly, when things go wrong they blame themselves. Weighed down by the needs and desires of others, they suffer a silent death or explode. Shielding children from troubles makes for troubled children as does saving men from themselves. Such is the plight of the modern Martyrs.
In a desperate search for approval and love, many women don a Madonna mask. The prefect lady, the perfect mother, and the perfect hostess, they are simply too good to be true. Smiling sweetly, aggression and sexuality is split off. Nice is well and good, but too nice is noxious. Placing children on a pedestal weakens them, whereas, deference to big strong men weakens the self. Overindulged children, controlling men, Madonna's virtue has gone awry.
While the Martyr and the Madonna take separate paths, they do converge. Many a woman finds she embodies traits of both the Martyr and the Madonna. One may be more obvious than the other, but traces of either sneak up at some time or other. The fallout is thwarted relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Alas, despite feminism, history, and current knowledge many smart women live foolishly.
That is not to say all women are martyrs or Madonnas. Many manage to hold onto their femininity as they forge ahead in formerly masculine arenas. Many do not get there; they sabotage their femininity. They become pseudo masculine.
Abuse of power is not feminine, nor is it masculine. Neither are arrogant, ruthless women like Meryl Streep's character in the film The Devil Wears Prada. For some women the pendulum has swung too far. They have gone from baby dolls to ball busters.
The people-eating ball buster persona may be a reaction to society's strictures, to the fear of dependence, to the fear of being eaten up alive, to the fear abandonment. In defense against succumbing to the plight of the Martyr or Madonna, some women strike out in the opposite direction of self centeredness, ruthlessness, or over sexualized behavior. While they have turned the tables in the workplace and have become the "takers" rather than the givers, they too harbor inner demons. Contrary to outward appearances, they do not have it all.
Unlike the delicate damsel of the nineteenth century or the devil of the twenty first century, some women in today's world succeed in finding that enviable balance. While they enjoy satisfying, relationships and meaningful lives, others do not.
In many cases, the balance between feminine and masculine sides remains lopsided. Women either suffer in silence or roar in outrage, they either take the blame for everything or blame others, they either overindulge their children or discipline them cruelly, they either set no limits with aging parents or set unreasonable ones, they either give to others who never gave to them or they exploit others.
I want to encourage women to find insight into the why, what, and when they sabotage vital parts of their selves. Splitting off our maleness or our femaleness stifles our growth. We need both. I believe we can expand our selves, we can enjoy wholesome lives. We can thrive and find fulfillment.
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