Where have all the sexy men gone? Are women in serious relationships sexually starved? Remember when men wanted sex from their partners, only to be rejected by them? When women feigned headaches, fatigue, or were just not in the mood for sex? That was then and this is now.
Currently, too many women in my practice complain that ─a few years into the marriage, after becoming a mother ─ men are rejecting them sexually. The excuses of headaches, fatigue, overwork, the terrible economy, or just not in the mood for sex are now those of men. Have the tables turned and why?
Let me take you back to the 19th century, the Victorian era of buttoned- up chaste wives, and buttoned- down bawdy prostitutes, the era of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy. Married women ─ depicted as vulnerable and virtuous ─looked up to their godlike men who protected them from the vulgarities of real life. Men in turn held their wives up as pillars of purity. As to women, they were flattered by this elevation of their status.
Sound like a nifty arrangement? Not exactly. The results were disastrous.
Painted as the ‘Angel of the House', wives tolerated sex strictly to please their husband and to procreate only to adopt the role of the virginal mother, the Madonna. Having sex with the gentle, pure ‘Angel of the House ‘was not exactly exciting. So what's a sexually active man looking for exciting sex to do? He did not have to look any farther than his society ─the society that gave married men license to engage freely in sexual promiscuity.
The result? Rampant prostitution, venereal disease, and younger and younger girl prostitutes ─ presumed to be free of disease.
Now that we've had a peek at the society that sprouted the Madonna/Whore dichotomy, let's fast forward to today's modern 21st century social mores. Are men still searching for love at home and seeking sex elsewhere? Do men still hold their wives up as virtuous and vulnerable and do women like this designation? Do women not truly enjoy sex and do it strictly to please their husbands and to procreate? The answer to all of these questions is an emphatic ‘no'─ not on a conscious level anyhow.
Let's, then, dig a little deeper into the unconscious of sexually starved women and their rejecting partners. Partners met, fell madly in love, and made love passionately and frequently. That was when a man truly desired sex with his partner, when he could not get enough of her.
Here's how the story went. Boy met girl, hung out, hooked up, lived together, married, and together looked out over a shiny path of love and lust stretching out before them ─ all of this before children. The gal in this scenario reeked of sexiness, spontaneity, excitement and lavished her attention on her man. In an unconscious sense, she was his whore and he was her powerful lover.
Along came baby and there was three instead of two. The dynamic of intimacy, of love and lust took a dive. How?
The man's sex partner is now the mother of an infant─ a devoted mother with pure intentions to bond with her baby. It's not a far cry to theorize the unconscious workings of the man in this dynamic ─ the loss of his imaginary Whore has been replaced by the imaginary Madonna.
Unlike the 19th century ‘Angel of the House' modern day women desire sex, for sex's sake and not only to please their men or to procreate. Yet, they are not feeling sexually fulfilled. Part of the problematic dynamic may lie in the new mother's engrossed attention with her infant and not with her partner. Pleasurable outings, romance, and sex are no longer spontaneous, but are planned around children's schedules. The Whore has gone forever, and the virtuous Madonna is here to stay.
Here's a peek at the case of Kristen and Marty.
Shapley legged, voluptuous, and verbose Kristen ─ after fifteen years of marriage and three children later ─ still turned men's heads. Except for her hubby, Marty, a well built man of few words and even fewer actions.
"He's always falling asleep after dinner, or he's watching sports on TV. He doesn't lift a finger to fix anything in the house or out of the house, not like my father. When there was a problem with the plumbing or electricity, my dad always fixed it. Marty doesn't do anything." Contorting her face in pain, Kristen's complaints went on and on.
Succinctly, Marty responded with "I do so. I work hard so you don't have to face the hardships of the workplace. And I'm not your father."
"You bet you're not. My dad was romantic and adored my mother. You don't show me any romance, and you don't want sex with me. I keep asking you to make love to me, and you keep telling me you're too tired, too worried about your job, and that you're not comfortable having sex with me because the kids are not asleep. Why can't we just close the door? " Crestfallen, Kristen pleaded her heart rending case.
And true to form, Marty tersely responded "I'm not comfortable having sex with them in the next room."
I intervened by asking about their feelings in this relationship. Kristen felt dispirited, undesirable, and humiliated that she had to ask Marty to make love with her repeatedly and that he kept rejecting her sexual advances. In her frustration, she picked on everything Marty did or didn't do. He in turn, felt inadequate, that he could not please Kristen, and that she was a nag. She retorted that he was so passive that she had to nag. They were at an impasse.
We took a detour and examined the evolution and eventual devolution of the relationship. After a vigorous courtship and lovely wedding ─ a time full of love, sex, fun, communication, empathy, and emotional attunement ─ the first baby was born. Almost overnight, love soured and sex took a hike. Kristen turned her undying devotion from her husband to the infant. The transformation of his lusty wife to a Madonna figure saved him from the narcissistic blow of taking second place to his child. Marty preserved his self esteem but lost his desire for sex with his newly designated Madonna wife.
Sexually deprived and emotionally devastated, Kristen turned even more attention to her infant. The satisfaction she derived from her baby, who wanted and needed her, almost compensated for what she lacked from her inattentive husband. The more Marty rejected her, the more Kristen found satisfaction in her pure state of motherhood.
They are now in therapy to change the dynamics of their relationship. We are working on how to heal, how to repair the split between love and lust, and how to enjoy the co-existence of the Madonna and the Whore.
As you can see in this brief vignette, each time a man rejects his woman sexually her self esteem drops a rung lower on the ladder to despair. Each time she complains, nags, and wants more of him, he feels less and less adequate and less sexy. They are stuck in a no-win interaction. Communication, empathy, and emotional attunement break down. The split between love and lust squeezes the life out of the marriage.
Solution?
1. Recognize the split between love and lust, the Madonna/whore dichotomy playing out in the relationship.
2. Take steps to bring love and lust back. That could mean accepting that children may cramp you style, but that you can still engage in romantic times together. Hiring a baby sitter would be a positive move.
3. Let your memory cameras roll back to the time when love and lust were connected, the time you talked for hours, the time empathy and emotion attunement made for red hot sex.
4. Imagine these times─ before the hurts, the rejections, the attacks, the despair ─when hope and love was in full bloom.
5. Implement some of these early interactions of emotional attunement, empathy for one another, and allow the fantasy of the Madonna Whore to coexist. Indeed, women can be both a Madonna and a Whore; and her lucky partner can enjoy the two facets of femininity in the same woman.
Email: drpraver@cs.com
Web : www.drfranpraver.com
Social Network: www.facebook.com
Professional Network: www.linkedin.com
Social network: http://www.linkedin.com
