If you think older women who chose younger lovers are a recent 21 century phenomenon, think again. The movie Cheri, set in the 19th century, depicts a steamy love affair between an aging retired courtesan, Lea, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, and her younger lover, Cheri, played by Rupert Friend. Pfeiffer, magnificent at 50, has chosen a flamboyant lad aged 25─half her age. And that's only one example of older women with younger lovers throughout history.
During the fourteenth century, in the time of courtly love, older married noble women chose young troubadour lovers. Elizabeth 1 of England and Catherine the Great of Russia had young companions and lovers as they aged. So do scores of women today. No longer do we see sexually neutered older women in sensible shoes, shapeless bodies, and short grey hair. Older women, like Michelle Pfeifer, Demi Moore, and Susan Sarandon glow with youthful, sexy, vibrant hues. Yet the double standard persists.
Older men loving younger women are a given, not so with older women and younger men. Despite the disparagement of older women loving younger men, daring women do just that. Perhaps one of the reasons older women choose younger lovers is that they are bolder. At this time of their lives, why not dare to challenge the status quo?? Why not the same privilege as older men to love younger people? Why not defy the patriarchal inequality between the sexes? Of course, there are other motivations for older women to choose a younger lover.
For one, older women and younger men are more sexually compatible. As women get older, they get better. Sexual dysfunction affects aging men more than aging women. Whereas men's sexual peak is in their teens and early twenties, women's sexual peak is in the late thirties.
Then there's the issue of existential angst that sets in as we age. Fantasies of a last chance for desires to be met go with the territory. With greater experience and less time left, older women may think "What have I got to lose?" Exploring their sexuality with a younger man, older women may choose to fulfill their fantasies before it is too late.
Fading youth raises a fearsome flag that signals aging and mortality. Let's say a woman's partner is also aging, he may be struggling with the same issues and not be able to shore up her faltering sexuality. So what's an aging woman in this dilemma to do? Rosita is a case in point.
Raised in a strict traditional society, Rosita followed the status quo and married Enrique, an older and controlling man. Despite his treating her like a child, despite his verbal and physical abuse, Rosita suffered and stayed. She told me "He broke my nose once, but it was my fault. I saw him throwing the chair and I should have ducked."
Appalled at this tale of woeful misplacement of blame, I confronted her only to get this response from her "I provoke him. The kids are gone and I'm lonely lately, so I beg him to be with me. He calls me a nag. When I try to stand up for myself, he shoots me down. I'm so depressed." The chief reasons Rosita remained in this abusive relationship were financial dependency, the empty nest, her eroded self esteem, and her fear of separation.
It's no wonder a younger lover came into the picture. Claude, who was 14 years younger than Rosita, gave her a new, more optimistic lease on life. His mother was a feminist and unlike Enrique, Claude practiced equality, mutuality, and reciprocity in their relationships. He lets Rosita know that she is not only beautiful, but also brainy. He encouraged her to go back to school and embark on a career so that she will feel more autonomous and independent. Not only that, but Claude lit her fading flame of desire.
Sounds like a perfect Hollywood ending. Alas, things took a different turn. Claude wanted Rosita to leave Enrique, marry him, and have babies with him. Rosita felt young enough to be Claude's partner, but not young enough to bear any more babies. She feels selfish staying with Claude and denying his wish for fatherhood. As to her decision; the jury is still out.
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Author of Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for Extramarital Affairs (Praeger, 2008)
