Why do ordinary people ─those like George Sodini who was desperately seeking love ─ commit extraordinary hate crimes? He had a lot going for him. His online portrait depicts a 48 year old man, who owned a home, was presentable, and worked as a software developer for a Pittsburg law firm where he recently got a raise. Yet, he claimed women rejected him and that he had not had sex for 19 years saying "Girls and women don't give me a second look ANYWHERE." It would seem that loneliness and rejection drove him to shoot up women at LA Fitness club in PA. On the surface, Sodini was love starved.
But let's dig a little deeper. Could he have been hate starved?
My contention is that he felt castrated and as a result he felt impotent with women. In order to feel potent, we must own our ambiguous feelings of love and hate, cooperation and aggression, acceptance and rejection. Indeed, human beings are not all good or bad. If we disown our hateful, aggressive, rejecting feelings─ to garner love and attention─ we have depleted our inner selves and are rendered powerless. For some it may be worth it, but do these unwanted feelings disappear? Is out of sight, out of mind?
Not exactly.
For one, our disowned feelings magically appear in someone else. And that's because, unwittingly, we provoke the other person to act out our unwanted feelings. In analytic circles we call this interactional process "projective identification." Getting back to Sodini, perhaps his disowned hate and rejection was projected onto the women. He, unwittingly, provoked them to identify with his unwanted characteristics and to act in a hateful rejecting manner to him. He expected to be rejected and indeed he was. Result? A self-fulfilling prophesy.
Another instance ─ when hate, aggression, rejection, and rage are disowned and go underground ─ these unconscious emotions can't help but erupt with violent force. Such may also have been a factor in Sodini's murderous plan and execution. And this dynamic may also contribute to the sexual abuse of children by celibate priests.
A brief look at Sodini's family background reveals a powerless little boy who may have disowned his hate and aggression in order to gain love and attention from his parents.
Here's how he portrays his family background. "My dad never (not once) talked to me or asked about my life's details." The message his father imparted to young George was that he was unimportant and invisible. What's an invisible, little boy to do in order to get attention? For starters, he can disown his hate and try to be a good little boy. As I said previously, out of sight is not necessarily out of mind. Unfortunately, Sodini's suppressed rage finally erupted with violent force. His blogs were finely detailed accounts of his ‘life's details' that his father ‘never asked about.' Shooting up a bunch of young women surely got Sodini lots of attention. His father would, finally, learn of his life's details and take notice of him.
What about his mother? He tells us that she was "very dominant. Her way and only her way with no flexibility toward anyone in the household. A power and control thing. She is the "Boss above all other Bosses" ─ which no doubt included little George Sodini. Now what's a little helpless boy to do? He could muster up his courage and stand up to his controlling mother, rebel, and risk rejection. Or, in order to please her, George could disown his aggressive feelings and conform to her dictates. He could even allow her to castrate him in order to garner her love and acceptance. Perhaps younger women could help him feeling powerful. It seems they did not. As far as we know, he lived a conformist life and did not stand up to his mother or rebel until Aug 5.
Ah, what we mortals do for love!
Frances Cohen Praver, PhD
Clinical Psychologist, Relational Psychoanalyst, and author of
Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for Extramarital Affairs (Praeger, 2006)
Crossroads at Midlife: Your Aging Parents, Your Emotions, and Your Self (Praeger, 2008)
A new book about love and the brain is in the works.
Email: drpraver@cs.com
Web : www.drfranpraver.com
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