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What does the brain tell us about the longevity of love, lust, and romance? Read More
Common thinking vs. hopeful theories
You write: "Common thinking is that romance and passion fade over time. Familiarity, comfort, security take over. A newer more hopeful theory is that we unwittingly degrade romance and passionate sex, place it in the background, and bring security and safety into the foreground. We squeeze the life out of the relationship. And we dampen down the brain chemicals and neurotransmitters. The reason this theory's hopeful is that once we understand why and how his happens, we can see our self-defeating patterns and change them."
There's a reason this sort of thinking is "common." It's backed by personal experience and centuries of philosophical insight.
Much as we might rail against it, the simple fact is that passion is the result of distance. Attraction is nature's way of bridging the gap between two people. Once that space is eliminated, there is no need for (and little possibility of) passion.
You must be familiar with Jack Morin's The Erotic Impulse. He very succinctly shows that attraction + obstacles = passion. When two people overcome the obstacles to their being together, they quite naturally deplete the passion in their relationship. To posit otherwise is akin to saying that eating doesn't have to make us less hungry. It does! It's the nature of eating that it makes us less hungry. If you resist that by denying it, and encouraging your patients to deny it, you end up with the psycho-sexual equivalent of bulemia or anorexia.
lust and love
I understand that my theory is controversial, but it is based on the renowned relational psychonalyst Stephan Mitchells' work. If you really believe anatomy is destiny your theory works, but I beleive otherwise. If you can tap into the unconsious motivations for splitting lust from love, you can change the dynamic and bring love and romance back. My patients resonate with this thoery and have been sucsseful in bringing passion, excitement, novelty to an otherwise lack luster relationship. As to obstacles making for greater passion and lust I would think Sado-masochistic relationships are an unheatly example of just that.
My thanks for your comments.
Dr. Fran
I feel silly for asking this
I feel silly for asking this but is there a chemical or surgical way to completely suppress feelings of love? Is there a way to modify or altogether switch off the chemicals that cause us to become completely infatuated with someone?
I have a much sillier
I have a much sillier question to ask of you. Why? If this person is inappropriate for some reason or other you might want to focus on these reasons and see if you can refrain from acting on your feelings. If on the other hand, you are simply infatuated with Mr or Ms wrong and have not acted on it, enjoy the feelings and know that you are alive. Good luck.
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