Love, Lust, and the Brain
Before Mark Sanford, there was Elliot Spitzer, Rudy Guilliani, Bill Clinton, and Jack Kennedy to name a few. What goes wrong with these politicians? Is it their narcissism that cajoles them into believing that are bigger than life and that they can get away with it? Perhaps, but I believe there is more to it all. If cheating was the exclusive domain of powerful political figures, I don't believe the public would be so obsessed with these scandals. Why then? Perhaps it's because infideltiy hits home. As a matter of fact, infidelity is not exclusive to politicians, but is prevalent in our society─ with numbers like 50% of men and 40% of women. In my practice I see many people who complain that the passion and the excitement of early love have faded. And that may be one of the reasons for the high numbers of infidelity.
Which begs the question: can real love, raw lust, and romance endure in a long term relationship? Does romance and lust, inevitably, die over time even in seemingly good marriages? Not necessarily. I believe when we know more about what goes on in our brains and in our minds we can bring love and lust back.
Let's go back in time when you were madly in love-when love and lust went hand in hand. Here's a little of what goes on in the brain when you were madly in love. That was when your brain signaled the release of hormones and brain chemicals. In a flash these brain chemicals bathes your lover and you and ensures love and lust. For example, testosterone enhances your sex drive, oxytocin and vasopressin promotes loyalty, devotion, and intimacy. Dopamine brings the heights of pleasure to a peak experience.
Alas, so many of us, unwittingly, split lust off from love, placing this wonderful brain chemistry on hold. Everything is dampened down. And the relationship is in trouble. So how do we keep the flame alive and not let the fires of passion die? How do we get the brain chemicals back on board? Not easy. But what meaningful life experiences are?
An understanding of why flames get snuffed out in marriage is the first step. Then we can find ways to relight red hot flames with long slow burning embers.
Common thinking is that romance and passion fade over time. Familiarity, comfort, security take over. A newer more hopeful theory is that we unwittingly degrade romance and passionate sex, place it in the background, and bring security and safety into the foreground. We squeeze the life out of the relationship. And we dampen down the brain chemicals and neurotransmitters. The reason this theory's hopeful is that once we understand why and how his happens, we can see our self-defeating patterns and change them.
So why sabotage the passion, the desire in the first place? It doesn't make sense. It all felt so good. A closer look can be surprising. Let's say you have everything, both sides of the coin in one partner. Danger lies ahead. You may become dependent on your partner. Rejection or loss of your partner looms large. You have too much to lose. So unwittingly, you diminish the sizzle, the sparkle, the fun, the passion, the sex. The marriage becomes dull, boring, but safe.
Paradoxically, an affair may be a safer bet. Affairs are not really risky. They are safer than a real full love in marriage. You have less to lose. Chances are you've built a life together with your partner -you have history together. The affair usually signifies passion, fun, adventure, novelty and leaves the marriage even more depleted and weakened. And now, you have even more reasons to have an affair. The cycle is complete. Lust and love are now split between your lover and your partner, your affair and your relationship.
Once you see that the deadening dynamic, you'll have to look at your role in it. Action begins in the mind, in the imagination. Begin imaging what it would be like to desire and be desired by your husband. Play with the thoughts. Thinking can enhance your love-inducing chemicals.
The fantasies of a romantic evening, a romp in the afternoon, a hot week-end escape - just the two of you. No children, no chores, no commitments. Nothing but fun and games. Once the engine's running who knows what'll happen? And your brain will get into the act to bathe you once again with a cascade of testosterone, dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Not knowing, the uncertainty of the ride is part of the exciting adventure. Yes it's a chance you take, but without risk there are scant rewards.
You and your partner are headed in a new direction. Instead of a split between love and lust, your new path lies in the tensions between opposites - committed love and red hot sex, security and excitement, continuity and novelty, safety and adventure, comfort and passion. Maintaining balance is central.
Frances Cohen Praver, PhD
Clinical Psychologist, Relational Psychoanalyst, and author of
Daring Wives: Insight into Women's Desires for Extramarital Affairs (Praeger, 2006)
Crossroads at Midlife: Your Aging Parents, Your Emotions, and Your Self (Praeger, 2002)
A new book about love, the brain, and the dynamics of love is in the works.
Validation of a cartoon based child measure for post traumatic responses to interpersonal abuse. Dissertation defended 12-7-95.
Email: drpraver@cs.com
Web : www.drfranpraver.com
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