Love Bytes

Insights on Our Deepest Desire

by John R. Buri, Ph.D.

The song is right... love hurts

Submitted by FT on February 11, 2010 - 2:49am.

I fully agree that love is not easy, it comes with pain as well as wonder. I've been loving someone from afar for almost a year and a half, though I know he doesn't feel the same. However, that doesn't change my feelings. Although I've had people interested in me, I don't give anyone a chance because I don't want anyone else, despite suffering enormously for this unrequited love. Love is discernible, specific, picky. Anyone else just won't do, regardless of how good-looking, smart or loving they might be.
The most strenuous part is the deep longing for passion, intimacy, and commitment when you love by yourself.
It is a lot of work to truthfully share all of yourself (the good, the bad - and the ugly) and have that person share the same with you, while juggling your differences and expectations, plus whatever challenges life brings. But it is also so rewarding!
It hurts greatly to have such a rare and divine feeling trapped inside when it is meant to be shared, expressed, celebrated.
I believe love is life's most blissful and painful experience.

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So true! Its the Triangular

Submitted by Anonymous on March 30, 2010 - 12:28am.

So true! Its the Triangular Theory of Love.

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Knowing love

Submitted by Anon on December 9, 2010 - 2:20am.

I've been in a relationship for 15 years and have recently accidentally fallen in love with someone else. I am now questioning if I have ever felt love, not by comparison to these intense feelings, but because I can't understand why love is so praised. We don't have passion, and the relationship has always taken work. I would sacrifice for her, I often have. An I loyal to a comfort zone or do I love her? Am I walking away from the love of my life for loyalty? I don't want to hurt my wife, but it would be a disservice to stay with her not to hurt her.

I suppose I'm trying to figure the nature of love to know if my restraint is for a better future or am I not taking the marshmallow so starve tomorrow. Ive never been in this situation and have not battled with self control in the past.

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It sounds like you're in the

Submitted by GRF on March 9, 2012 - 10:20am.

It sounds like you're in the toughest situation a married man can be in. Careful with your decisions... It's not only about hurting your wife. It's about the future with the new woman. It might look absolutely great now, because you are "falling" for the novelty of it all. This is infatuation; I'm sure you had the same feelings towards your wife in the past. Wouldn't it be more reasonable for you to try to better the relationship you have with your wife of 15 years, if it's inevitable that this new state of passion and lust is only temporary? Have you considered couples therapy or even therapy just for yourself, to help you on this hard time of your life? Thinking that the other woman is "the love of your life" is just an idealized view you have of her... You would only know that for sure after 2 or 3 years of actual relationship. And the risks of falling out of love and regretting leaving your wife are high. The love of one's life is whoever makes it through rough times; it does take a lot of work and effort for a love relationship to work. Best of luck to you.

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I wonder how it ended up for

Submitted by Anonymous on April 17, 2012 - 6:41pm.

I wonder how it ended up for you. I'm the "other woman" for someone right now. He isn't married nor engaged yet, but he was going to before he met me, now he is not sure anymore.
I'm not happy about hurting someone else, specially because she is far away. But if he was deeply committed and loving her, why would he even notice me in the first place?
I've never been so happy, comfortable and trustful with anyone before. He is feeling the same way. What will he do? I don't know, it takes a lot to make a decision and I understand. I just hope that he doesn't find himself thinking "what if" 20 years from now. He's everything I wished for and thought that I'd never find.

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Don't overlook relaxation

Submitted by Ken on May 9, 2011 - 12:39am.

When you discuss things like love, being in love, and the like, don't miss out on viewing it in terms of different states of consciousness. What you wrote might apply to a "normal" (ie tense) person. However it doesn't apply to a relaxed one.

When one relaxes they have a very different understanding of love. In the depths of relaxation, which requires trust and acceptance in life, the heart opens and life energy flows through it. That is love. Love is no combination of things, it is not a recipe. It is simply the energy of life moving through us. Normally it doesn't because of the tensions our minds, bodies, and feelings.

To put it simply, Love is the absence of fear.

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I don't completely agree with

Submitted by Anonymous on June 22, 2011 - 6:13pm.

I don't completely agree with your final statement on this. Love is actually, filled with fear. This is simply because, as the passage says, we are now concerned for somebody other than ourselves. If you are in love with somebody you constantly fear what might happen to them, and all things that could.
In the face of love, you will find fear, but it will be accompanied with courage. That is what makes you face these fears, and live life with a whole new level that is only obtainable through love. So in my opinion, love is not the absence of fear, but courage to face said fears with your partner, together.