Deer hunting opener occurred here in Minnesota this past Saturday. Hundreds of Minnesotans out in the woods trying their best to bag a Bambi.
And for some, their best entailed poaching.
Poaching typically involves the placement of highly enticing deer delectables --- a feeder dispensing corn, a field scattered with pumpkins --- so that the unsuspecting prey will get all caught up in the moment and won’t notice that they are in a truly unhealthy situation.
A couple years ago a young man came into my office here at the University wanting to talk about his love interest of the past 5 months. He was really into this young woman, but he wasn’t sure he should be.
What he told me is this. He and his father had a conversation recently in which his father had suggested that if the sex with this woman had not been so good, then he would quickly be able to tell how truly unhealthy the relationship was. His father had tossed out the suggestion that he simply cool the sexual part of the relationship for a few weeks – just to see how things go.
This young man wanted to know what I thought – did his father have a point? We talked about it for a while and in the end, he decided to give it a shot --- no sex with this young woman for the next 3 weeks. They would spend time together, hanging out, going on “dates” – but no amorous exchanges beyond mild kissing – for 3 weeks!
About 2 weeks into this little experiment, he showed up at my office door – “We need to talk!”
He came in, sat down, and blurted out: “How could I have been so blind? She is one of the most self-centered, egotistical, and rude people I have ever known. The first night we went out, she yelled at some guy in the restaurant parking lot because it took too long for him to park, chewed out the hostess because it took too long to get seated, and then lit into our waitress because the table had some crumbs on it. At first, I thought that maybe this was an unusual night (you know, ‘that time of the month’ or something). But over the next week I began to notice that this stuff was not unusual --- in fact, I slowly began to realize that this is the way she had always been – I just never noticed it before! She was nearly always on a rant --- whether it was a roommate she was upset with or a teacher that rubbed her the wrong way or a classmate that she didn’t like – she was negative, critical, and demeaning. How could I have missed it?”
I suspect that a number of us could echo this young man’s sentiments: “How could I have been so blind about this person? How could I have missed something that is so obvious?”
Let’s face it --- we all have our bad days. Every man has those days on which he is tends to be a little more asshole-ish than others. Every woman has those days on which she tends to be a little more bitchy than others. This is not what we are talking about here – a bad day every once in a while. [And hopefully we are in love with a person who is determined to make these bad days even more few-and-far-between in their life.]
Some time ago there was a Love Bytes blog post [50 First Dates and the Nice-To-Nasty Ratio] that discussed the Nice-To-Nasty Ratio and its importance for loving relationships.
Essentially, PASSION alone does not love make. Love also requires INTIMACY.
And if INTIMACY is going to develop, there has to be more nice than nasty.
INTIMACY is built on holding your partner in high regard – and having them hold you in high regard as well.
INTIMACY is built on being able to count on your partner in time of need – and having them be able to count on you as well.
INTIMACY is built on knowing that your partner will share himself / herself, not just physically but also psychologically and emotionally – and your partner knowing that they can count on the same from you.
INTIMACY is built on getting to know your partner – and having them get to know you as well.
Given one wish, what would you most wish for? Wealth? Power? A long life? A great job? "Given one wish in life, most people would wish to be loved --- to be able to reveal themselves entirely to another human being and be embraced, caressed, by that acceptance" [Scar Tissue on the Heart].
