PASSION. Can a couple have love without it? NO.
PASSION. Is it the essence of love? NO.
When couples experience passion, many are inclined to interpret (misinterpret?) what is going on as love. And when couples fail to experience passion, many are inclined to interpret (misinterpret?) what is going on as no-longer-in-love.
Passion is one component of love. But it is not the essence of love.
I suspect that each of us can quickly call to mind couples we know for whom the passion in their relationship has cooled drastically from what it once was. And even though such relationships can sometimes be quite stable --- neither person is going anywhere anytime soon --- they generally don’t seem to bring a whole lot of life.
Basically, there is something about passion that is very vitalizing / energizing / refreshing.
I am a big fan of passion, and probably the thing about passion that I love the most is that when we have passion for something (or someone), then we are willing to suffer for that thing (or that person).
The first thing I ever cared about beyond my own self-interests --- in other words, the first thing I ever had enough passion for that I was willing to suffer for it --- was basketball. [To this day I experience some of the consequences of playing the game with passion --- I have several body parts (for example, hips, back, a knee) that don’t work real well. If I had it to do over again, would I do anything differently? Definitely not.]
I coached boys high school varsity basketball for 16 years, and it was not unusual for me to take some heat from some parents for playing someone who had less talent than some other players on the team --- after all, the most talented players are supposed to see the most floor time, right?
What was it that some young men brought to the game if it wasn’t talent? You guessed it --- passion! Passion has a way of bringing life. Young men with passion were able to create things that sheer (or mere) talent will not. [As an aside: those years in which we had at least one player on the team with both talent and passion, we were tough!]
Couples who have sustained the passion in their relationship have a certain pizzazz to them. They radiate life. Just being around them is invigorating.
But those couples who have failed to keep the passion alive can sometimes resemble a stagnant pond that has no fresh water coming in or going out --- the relationship just sort of sits there. It isn’t going anywhere and it certainly doesn’t have enough freshness to it to bring life.
Recent research (reported in 2008 by sex therapist Wendy Maltz and couples’ counselor Larry Maltz) revealed that the regular use of pornography has the potential to significantly undermine passion in a relationship. Did you know that those who regularly use pornography are more apt to:
- Experience difficulty becoming sexually aroused with their real partner
- Experience difficulty getting / maintaining erections with their real partner
- Experience difficulty reaching orgasm with their real partner
- Experience dissatisfaction following sex with their real partner
- Experience disinterest in sex with their real partner.
There are 4 components to healthy sexual functioning: (a) Desire, (b) Arousal, (c) Orgasm, and (d) Satisfaction. The use of pornography undermines all 4.
Did you know that the primary area of sexual struggle for couples in this country is in the area of Desire.
But should this really come as much of a surprise? If someone has difficulty becoming sexually aroused with their real partner and they have difficulty getting / maintaining an erection with that real partner and they struggle to reach orgasm with that partner and they aren’t very satisfied following sex with that partner, then why would they continue to have desire for that partner?
Passion is vitalizing / energizing / refreshing.
And as with anything valuable and life-giving, it is worth protecting.
And if a couple fails to actively protect the passion between them, it can easily be lost.
