Under the old model of courtship, you would date someone a few times, and if you found that you were really attracted to that person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and if you find that you kind of like a person, then you might consider going on a date.
Consider the study conducted by researchers from Bowling Green University of local high school students --- 55% of juniors had engaged in sexual intercourse (most with more than one partner), and 60% of these students reported that they had sex with someone who served only as a “friend with benefits” (what is increasingly being referred to as a “f--- buddy”).
Or the 2007 data released by researchers from Florida State --- 33% of sexually-active college students reported having multiple sex partners during the previous 3 months, and among those students who stated that they were currently in an exclusive relationship, 40% reported having had sex with someone other than their partner.
In the 1980s, the predominant sexual schema among young men and women in the U.S. has been described as “Permissiveness With Affection.” Over 70% of both women and men believed that sex was an appropriate expression of one’s love for another person --- as intimacy increased between a couple, then sexual intercourse was a reasonable expression of that affection. These numbers are now down considerably from those 1980s percentages.
The Permissiveness With Affection schema is (slowly?) being replaced by a “Permissiveness Without Affection” schema. Over 40% of young women and nearly 65% of young men now believe that sex stands on its own merits --- sex should be enjoyed for its own sake and does not need to be justified by either love or commitment. [And some studies have revealed that these numbers may be quite a bit higher --- for example, a study published in “The Journal of Sex Research” reported that nearly 80% of a random sample of college-aged men and women regularly hook up.]
Maybe a line from the classic 1970s movie “Annie Hall” captures this growing sentiment. In the movie the character played by Diane Keaton remarks, “Sex without love is an empty experience;” to which the character played by Woody Allen replies, “Yes, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.”
The current state of our (dating) unions may provide an excellent preparation for sexual diversity, but it is probably not a very good preparation for marriage.
Consider the 2003 study of over 10,000 women which found that as the number of non-marital sexual partners went up, the probability of marital stability went down. For example, once a woman has had 5 sexual partners, the probability of pulling off an intact marriage dips under 30%; it is under 20% when the number of sexual partners reaches the upper teens.
Many of us who work with couples who are in love (or are slipping out of love), as well as many of us who study love / relationships / marriage, look at the current dating changes with (at least) a modicum of concern.
For example, more and more people are pursuing passion for passion’s sake.
And yet at the same time, passion is more and more being employed as the primary (and sometimes only) criterion to determine whether what 2 people are experiencing is really love.
Add to this the fact that a person can’t ever reasonably expect the passion in a marriage to consistently come close to matching the sort of passion that is commonly unleashed in spontaneous, diverse, novel, disparate, fresh hook-ups.
And yet, a vast majority of young people project that if they do marry someday and they experience petering passion in that marriage, they would divorce.
And this has not even taken into consideration the fact that a pattern of hook-ups-for-dates is unlikely to provide an opportunity for the psychological, attitudinal, emotional, and relational skill development that is so essential for a more authentic love experience --- where there is INTIMACY and COMMITMENT --- to go along with the PASSION.
